Last blog post, I dug into that persistent feeling of not belonging. If you would like, you can read that post here for more context.

Well, I couldn’t keep us all hanging in the breeze with just feeling like we don’t belong. Plus, I had a monthly deadline over at my Sweatpants & Coffee column.

In the spirit of two birds and one stone in the bush (or whatever that saying is, I don’t care, I have menopause), I wrote Six Ways to Feel Like You Belong as a follow up, and I will post part of it here. I can’t post the whole article here yet, per my writing contract. I will, however, post part of it below and link the rest.

One Important Belonging Skill That I Forgot

The article below could be SEVEN ways to build a sense of belonging in your life, but I forgot one. Here is the bonus you will NOT find anywhere else (drumroll, please):

Stick With The Facts!

This is known by other names, like challenging your thoughts or asking if your thought or feeling is “true” or sticking with what you *know* while processing how you feel.

For example, I was at the wedding a few weeks ago (mentioned in the previous post) and the emotions of “I don’t belong” bubbled up. I saw these emotions and acknowledged them. Along with that, I could also have asked myself, “What are the facts? Is it true that I don’t belong?”

No, it is not true. The facts are:

*I’m married to a man who adores me

*My relationships with our kids are treasured

*I have a marriage and long-term friendships built on trust, communication, mutual respect, and reciprocation (in fact, one of my best friends was with me at the wedding)

*My support system is strong and varied

*I belong to community groups that I enjoy

This is just off the top of my head. I may not *feel* like I belong sometimes, but the evidence shows that I *do* belong.

The pattern of feeling like I don’t belong no longer serves me, or it serves me differently than it did before because let’s face it, I’m definitely weird and determined to enjoy my weirdness.

Now Onward: Six Ways To Feel Like You Belong!

Six Ways to Feel Like You Belong is based on my personal experience and the work I’ve done on myself and with clients.

To avoid getting overwhelmed, I suggest choosing one or two ideas to start practicing. Getting curious is the first skill on purpose – curiosity is inherently loving and covers a multitude of trauma and grief responses. Of course, I am available to work with you on any one – or multiple – skills mentioned here.

Six Ways to Feel Like You Belong

I have felt like I don’t belong for my entire life. It is one of my original wounds, woven through my cells and tissue and muscle fibers, seeping deep into my bones.

As a child, I grew up as an Army Brat in an abusive family, undergoing many unresolved trauma and grief experiences. Much of that resolved into this feeling that I don’t belong, and I talk here about how that specifically works.

As these persistent feelings have risen to the surface, I have wondered how I can resolve how this message has permeated my life. How do I move forward, changing the messaging in my brain and body? Because I definitely belong now, even as past messaging tells me that I don’t.

If you feel like you don’t belong, you are not alone. Here are some trauma-informed ways that we can gently change thoughts and feelings about belonging.

Get Curious and Rewire Your Brain

Beating ourselves up is usually the first line of defense to try and protect ourselves. As the saying goes, if beating ourselves up worked, it would have worked by now.

An example: You are in the kitchen, you mistakenly put your hand on a hot burner, you get burned. Your brain keeps this information – the next time you see a burner, you remember the story of how you burnt your hand on it. You spend time berating yourself for getting burnt, being careless and distracted. You may even call yourself derogatory names.

But you don’t have any awareness of what’s really going on here.

In contrast, I invite you to try being curious. Another example: you mistakenly burn your hand on a hot burner. It doesn’t make a lot of sense. You’re experienced enough to know how stove burners work. You observe all of this and decide to try curiosity: “Ouch! I burnt my hand on the stove! What was that about?”

You may realize that you were distracted, because your cat got out last night and you haven’t been able to find him. You are worried and stressed, preoccupied with your cat’s safety and desire to get him home.

Suddenly, burning your hand on the burner makes sense.

Curiosity is inherently loving. Using curiosity gives us space to be honest and feel safe in our bodies and brains. By using this skill, you are building a safe place of belonging within yourself.

Build Safe Attachments

Try Trauma Recovery & Grief Recovery Coaching

Sign up here to get a free copy of Five Things Every Trauma Survivor Needs to Know AND

61 Tips About the Grief Experience.

Find out more about Trauma and Grief Recovery Coaching

I offer one-on-one sessions, groups, PTSD Remediation, and classes. Appointments are offered in-person and online.

Try Trauma Recovery and Grief Recovery Coaching for Free! Book an appointment or schedule your FREE 30-minute discovery call to learn more!