Echoes of grief and trauma are realities for many of us over the holidays.

*Especially* over the holidays.

I have a history of PTSD, depression, and wicked anxiety. From the age of about 15 onward, I would get very sick every December, like clockwork. Down for days, major flu-like symptoms, eventual antibiotics needed. Every single year.

At the time, I didn’t understand that the holiday season was the major time of year for my PTSD triggers.

I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse by my father. A large block of the sexual abuse that I remember occurred between mid-November and the beginning of January. And this doesn’t count what I don’t remember, as one of the PTSD symptoms I experience is memory blackout.

In years past, as we ate the candy from our Halloween buckets and the leaves fell from the trees, my brain and body entered into an extended PTSD event, a heightened undercurrent of symptoms that destroyed the holidays for me.

Current Grief & Trauma Over the Holidays

While I don’t experience PTSD symptoms anymore because of the recovery work that I’ve done, grief and trauma events are realities that cannot be escaped. This year is no different.

In May 2025, I left my marriage. I moved in with a friend and have been navigating life’s changes over the last six months. Imagine the pieces of your life tossed into a bucket, violently mixed together, and then upended, scattering all of the pieces. That’s what this year has felt like.

I’ve spent the last six months traveling through my grief process. This is the first holiday season in my life that I am not attached to a significant other – this is a good story, but for another time.

That realization shocked me. It also freed me. (It’s not a surprise that I feel more than one thing at the same time, LOL).

While I almost jumped into an emotional spiral of despair over it, I stopped myself. I stood at the edge of the spiral and watched the emotions swirl.

I have spent the last two years coming home to myself. Instead of allowing others and my memories and trauma responses to run the show, I realized that it was time to make the holidays part of who I am.

Grief & Trauma Holiday Self-Care is for Everyone

Creating self-care habits is foundational, whether our actions are specifically for PTSD or anxiety or depression or trauma or grief or all of the above or none of the above.

Self-care is how we show ourselves that we are safe within our bodies and brains. These habits are constant reinforcement.

No matter where I’m at physically, mentally, and emotionally, I need to have plans for my own self-care, especially during the holiday season. Here are strategies that I’ve found particularly helpful.

Start With Boring & Safe Stuff

“Self-care” is one of those phrases that has become meaningless with all of its meanings, if that makes sense. In other words, I heard the phrase “self-care” and it sounded like static for a long time, until I realized that it’s a collection of habits that are boring and safe.

Think of the most necessary and boring things that I / we need:

• Stay hydrated
• Eat food
• Sleep and rest
• Brush teeth
• Wash and moisturize face
• Take meds
• Enjoyable exercise
• Shower
• Laundry
• Write

These are my basics. They are boring. They happen consistently. They are also cues to my body and brain that I am safe within myself, which is important because I was born into a family of alcoholism and abuse, and I was never allowed to feel safe.

Start with boring and safe.

Try a Trigger Toolkit

A trigger is when something jolts you into a visual or emotional flashback, like you are back in the trauma. It’s your fire alarm system going off when there is the memory of a fire, but you are in no danger. Many triggers result in a fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response, but not always. Some triggers can be anticipated, while others seem to come out of nowhere.

Triggers can be caused by hearing fireworks (this one is super common), news reports, or seeing or smelling something that is from the traumatic event.

Basically, our warning system is stuck in the ON position (PTSD Remediation resets our systems back into a more “normal” function).

Having plans in place for identifying triggers and how you’ll respond to them helps build safety within yourself. Building a trigger toolkit also helps the triggers go away faster as you process through them.

Go here to read more about easy ways to build your own Trigger Toolkit and download your very own copy.

More Grief & Trauma Holiday Strategies

Lean Into It – One of the things that I secretly liked about the covid pandemic was the freedom to unapologetically be a homebody. Get those blankets and sweaters and fire up the TV and movies, especially the ones that make you happy. Make a fort, an ACTUAL fort. Dent the couch cushions with your body. 

Decide what you will not do – Many times, deciding what you will not do is far easier than figuring out what you are willing to do. For example, I typically do not go to holiday parties, shop in the mall, or drive on busy streets. From mid-November until January 2nd, I am mostly at home. I will not try something new. I make no promises to be anywhere or with anyone – I play everything by ear, and I am open about that with everyone.

Schedule everything, including rest – Get out your calendar. Figure out a weekly meal plan for the next month or so – take out, crockpot meals, soups are all good. Schedule when you will exercise, even if it’s a 10-minute walk each day. Put in your sleep hours and when you take your meds. Do not forget to schedule down time, especially as the calendar fills up with the kids’ holiday concerts.

Ask for help. I haven’t always enjoyed the holidays, but I love to shop for people and give gifts. I do the bulk of my shopping online. I ask for help with chores, with work, with everything. As a trauma survivor who lived ultra-independently for most of my life, asking for help is an EXCELLENT practice.

Focus on Who and What You Love

Last but certainly not least ~

Okay, so the holidays are difficult. But I take time and space to intentionally seek joy.

l love my family and my friends. I love spending time with my kids. I invite them to do what I can do during this time of year.

I love where I live, especially my roommate and her kids. I love my little town and community members. I love serving others. I love meeting new people.

Seek joy.

Joy is not big or obvious or in your face. You have to look for it. To notice it. To observe it.

To allow joy to seep into your heart, which – a lot of the time – can feel quite risky.

However, I’m here to tell you, I have never been hurt or killed by finding joy. Take advantage of finding and loving small moments of joy, especially in the midst of grief and trauma.

Trauma, PTSD, & Grief Recovery Coaching

Sign up here to get a free copy of Five Things Every Trauma Survivor Needs to Know AND

61 Tips About the Grief Experience.

Find out more about Trauma and Grief Recovery Coaching

I offer one-on-one sessions, groups, PTSD Remediation, and classes. Appointments are offered in-person and online.

Try Trauma Recovery and Grief Recovery Coaching for Free! Book a free 30-minute Discovery Call to find out more!