Have you ever seen the movie, The Wedding Singer? Adam Sandler plays a – spoiler alert – wedding singer who gets left at the altar.
He and his intended meet the next day to talk. Long story short, she said, “I don’t ever want to marry you.”
He replied, “Geez, that information might have been a little more useful to me YESTERDAY.”
THIS IS EXACTLY HOW I HAVE FELT AT DIFFERENT POINTS OF MY TRAUMA RECOVERY JOURNEY. I’m just bopping along, trying different strategies and therapies, going to doctor visits and reading books, and some random person will tell me a vital fact and I will throw my hands up and say, “THIS INFORMATION WOULD HAVE BEEN REALLY USEFUL YESTERDAY.”
Is it just me? Being in the mental health system for almost 20 years, I’ve got to believe that other trauma survivors feel this way. This is why I made little informational booklet with the five things I WISH I had known about trauma recovery when I started back in the early 2000s.
So What’s in it for Trauma Survivors?
Excellent question!
These five things encompass what I wish I would have known when I started. I’m talking about some pretty “Captain Obvious” stuff that I wish someone had sat me down and told me. This appeals to my structured, orderly, linear side. I can function creatively within structure. I can accept the twists and turns of healing with the comfort of some structure.
While it is freeing and comforting to know that there’s no “one” or “right” way to heal from different traumas in our lives, there also isn’t a definitive guidebook that tells us what to expect.
Our journeys are different, yes, but we share some important principles. Really good, hopeful, supportive things.
How to Get Five Things Every Trauma Survivor Needs to Know
If you are already an email subscriber, you should have gotten an email a day or two ago. Don’t forget to check all the nooks and crannies of your email provider, like the spam folder.
If you are NOT an email subscriber, put your email in the form below and my Five Things Every Trauma Survivor Needs to Know will land in your email inbox. I send *maybe* one email per week and I keep your info private.
I get this question a lot, and with good reason. Becoming a Trauma Recovery Coach is on the cutting edge of mental health, which means that this is an innovative way to provide mental health care. Also, it means that nobody knows what I do, exactly.
In short, I help trauma survivors build a life they have always deserved and wanted. But how?
Here are several questions that help explain my role as a Trauma Recovery Coach. Is there a question I didn’t answer? Please add it in the comments!
Is This Therapy?
Therapy is a good place to start when explaining what a Trauma Recovery Coach does with clients. Therapists and Trauma Recovery Coaches meet with clients and work on specific issues over time. Therapists and Trauma Recovery Coaches know a ton about trauma, mental illnesses, grief and loss, and more. We all care about our clients reaching healing milestones and creating the happiness and life they have always deserved and wanted.
So what are the differences? Therapists do three things that Trauma Recovery Coaches do not do: diagnose mental illness, prescribe or suggest different medications, and create specific treatment plans. I know a lot about mental illnesses but I do not diagnose. This is out of my scope of competence. It takes several years to learn how to diagnose, and sometimes professionals still get it wrong before they get it right. I also do not suggest or prescribe medication, which is the job of a medical doctor or psychiatrist.
Last, I don’t create treatment plans. Individuals come to me and we work together on the issues and challenges that are present. We live in the now, and we lead from behind, providing voice and choice for our clients.
Is This Just Life Coaching?
I am confident about providing life coaching if that’s what clients are looking for. One aspect of life coaching in that I support my clients and what they want to do in their lives. However, I provide so much more as a Trauma Recovery Coach.
The primary difference is that Trauma Recovery Coaches are trauma-informed. We are trained to understand and address the unique challenges and mindsets that trauma survivors experience. As a trauma survivor myself, I have a unique perspective and set of skills to address trauma-related issues as we meet over time.
Are Trauma Recovery Coaches Certified?
Trauma Recovery Coaches need to be certified. I have achieved certification through the International Association of Trauma Recovery Coaching. I will continue to studying with them – and other notable organizations – to gain more knowledge, wisdom, and experience.
What if I’m Not a Trauma Survivor?
Everyone struggles with different things. I welcome people of all kinds, trauma or not. We are in this together.
Do Trauma Recovery Coaches Have Specialties?
Absolutely! My specific specialty is PTSD Remediation. I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in 2006. I lived with PTSD for most of my life, until PTSD Remediation eradicated the symptoms. I continue to learn all I can about PTSD and the emotional, mental, and physiological fallout from childhood sexual abuse. That is my background and I have passion and purpose to help others with these issues.
Trauma Recovery Coaches can also specialize in somatic work, narcissistic abuse, neglect, emotional abuse, physical abuse, abandonment, and more. One of the newest types of Trauma Recovery Coaching is called Not Parent Expected, when individuals find out – usually through genetic testing like Ancestry or 23 and Me – that their family members are not actually their family members. These revelations can be quite traumatic and support is welcome.
How Do I Find Out More About Trauma Recovery Coaching?
I offer a free 30-minute discovery call so that you can find out what you need to know, if we have a connection, and if you want to move forward on this journey of hope and healing. Another way is to sign up here to keep in touch and get to know me a little better!
Do you have more questions? Put them in the comments for more answers!
Free Workshop on Mother's Day Grief with David Kessler
kellywilsonwrites
29 Apr, 2024
Mother’s Day grief is real.
As a trauma and abuse survivor, I experience the loss of the mother I could have had and the mother I *did* have. This is the nature of trauma and grief recovery, and one example of how grief shows up in trauma.
I have tried a variety of things over the years to deal with it: try to ignore it, try to embrace it, make plans, hide for the day, get drunk (not my best strategy), go on a trip, stay home…The list goes on.
This year, I’m trying Radical Acceptance. Mother’s Day will be a tough day for me. I have Big Feelings about it. One of the ways that I deal with it is to give myself and others resources to help in the process of healing.
So, when I got David Kessler’s email about his Mother’s Day offerings, I felt compelled to tell y’all about it. Here are the two free workshops he’s offering. Individuals are welcome to take one or both.
When You’re Grieving Your Mom
While this workshop focuses on the death of a mother, I believe it will be applicable to estrangement. The “Navigating your feelings” and “Complicated relationships” look especially intriguing. Here’s what else will be covered in this workshop:
The unique grief of the death of your mother Coping with Grief Navigating your feelings Complicated relationships Changing roles Getting the support you need Creating new traditions that honor your loved one
When You’re a Mother Grieving the Death of a Child
While many will say, “It’s not fair to compare grief,” – and I get that – I also know that there is no other grief like losing a child. This is an unjust and devastating experience, and I am grateful that this workshop is available. Here’s what will be covered in this workshop:
The unique grief of the death of a child Creating a plan for the day Grief bursts and love bursts Guilt, anger, and the what-ifs of grief Understanding your individual grieving style Finding connections with people who really get it
David is a good dude. Here’s his official bio on a recent email:
David Kessler is a grief specialist, speaker, and author of six books, including his latest bestselling book, Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief. He co-authored two books with Elisabeth Kubler Ross. His first book, The Needs of The Dying received praise from Saint (Mother) Teresa.
David’s personal experience as a child witnessing a mass shooting while his mother was dying in a hospital helped him begin his journey. For most of his life, David has taught physicians, nurses, counselors, police, and first responders about the end of life, trauma, and grief. However, despite his vast knowledge of grief, his life was turned upside down by the sudden death of his twenty-one-year-old son.
David Kessler is a well-known grief expert. I think he’ll be offering some really good stuff here about Mother’s Day.
Whatever we practice at home goes on vacation with us.
As a childhood Army brat, I’m used to traveling, whether for business or vacation. I took my first airplane ride at 6 weeks old, and my family often had to take planes, trains, and automobiles to get where we needed to go (including crossing the U.S. a few times by car – whew).
My love of adventure and the outdoors has kept me on the move over the course of my life. I get restless when it’s been too long since my last trip.
And what I’ve noticed over the years is that I may escape the monotony of every day life on vacation, but I have never escaped my trauma symptoms.
First, My Vacation to New Orleans in 2022
RIGHT BEFORE SOBBING MY FACE OFF OUTSIDE
Okay, first – if you can go to New Orleans, do it. That city is pure FOOD MAGIC and PEOPLE-WATCHING GALORE. The art, music, and architecture, oh my!
My husband and I took our honeymoon to New Orleans during Mardi Gras in 2022. The experience far surpassed our expectations.
Halfway through the week-long trip, however, I found myself standing on the sidewalk outside of the Sazerac House, sobbing my face off.
Overstimulated. Overtired. Overstressed. Over it.
Why would I be sobbing my face off? Wasn’t I having a lot of fun?
Oh yeah, but guess what? TRAUMA SURVIVORS – especially those of us with PTSD – HAVE A REALLY HARD TIME WITH FUN AND HAPPINESS AND JOY.
Give me a crisis any day, I can totally deal. But fun and happiness and joy?
At the time of that trip to New Orleans, my window of tolerance for fun was TINY.
So would I be able to expand my tiny window of tolerance for good stress?
The Hawaii Vacation, Two Years Later
Cut to earlier this year, when I *had* to travel to Hawaii (I know, poor me). Part of this trip was business-related, which actually did not decrease the fun of it ONE BIT.
Since I was going all that way, I invited my husband to meet me once my business was done.
We had *a blast.* Snorkeling? Check. Great food? Check. WHALES??? CHECK.
Halfway through THIS week-long trip, was I standing outside a popular tourist attraction, sobbing my face off?
Nope.
I felt…great! Regulated. Emotionally even. Present and in the moment.
Why?
Whatever we practice at home goes on vacation with us.
It sounds a little silly – especially in our culture, where Work is King – but I’ve been *practicing* increasing my window of tolerance for fun and joy over the last couple of years, *especially* when traveling.
In addition, I figured out how to manage myself in very important trauma recovery ways while on adventures.
How to Go On Vacation With Trauma & Grief
While I’ve been practicing how to deal with joy – especially on vacation and/or adventures – I’ve put into place important things that set me up for success.
Preparation Time – I start packing for a trip a week in advance. The suitcase is open on the floor or the spare bed and I throw stuff into it as I’m going about my daily life. I also use this time to buy and pack travel-friendly snacks, along with other stuff, like sunscreen and aloe, because I *will* burn.
Factor in the Time Difference – If there’s going to be a time difference, I try to mentally prepare myself. Sometimes I try to adjust my sleep schedule a little bit in the direction of the time difference.
Meds – It’s super easy for me to be like, “I’M GOING ON VACAY, SUCKAS, NO MEDS FOR ME!” This is not realistic or kind or practical. Taking a week to pack helps me to remember to make sure that I have all the meds I need, and then get those babies packed up.
Pace Yourself & Let Your Nervous System Catch Up
Pacing – I used to be a super organized traveler. Tight itineraries, with decisions made and tickets booked well in advance. Around the time of the New Orleans trip, I figured out that keeping this pace heightened my anxiety by a large factor and added to the overall stress on my brain and body.
Now, I typically plan to do One Big Thing Per Day – if we want to do more in a day, great! And I make sure that the thing that I MOST want to do is at the beginning of the trip, and I DO buy tickets for that if needed.
Plan the Rest Day – Ah, another decision my husband and I made during the New Orleans trip, shortly after I was sobbing my face off. The Rest Day.
About halfway through a trip, I need a Rest Day. A day to do nothing, if needed. If the trip is shorter, the rest period is typically shorter, maybe just half a day. If the trip is longer, I *definitely* need a day to decompress.
Recovery Time – It’s tempting to want to jump right into daily life after an adventure. This rarely goes well for me. Instead, I take a bit of time after we get home. It doesn’t have to be a lot of time – for example, if we get home on Sunday, then taking Monday morning off so I can ease my way into reality helps a ton.
Good Stress is Still Stress
At one point, my therapist explained that excitement and anxiety are *physiologically* the same in our bodies. We have the same heart palpitations and sweaty palms and even fight or flight.
This is important to remember, because stress is stress is stress. “Good” stress, “bad” stress, “in-between” stress. It all takes a toll on us.
For trauma survivors, though, the “good” stress *feels* so different, and that, in turn, makes it more stressful. So we need to learn how to take care of ourselves while learning how to feel joy.
Three Reasons to Come to the Spring Has Sprung Artisan Market
kellywilsonwrites
11 Apr, 2024
If you’re in the Portland metro area (or beyond), you *may* want to come to the Spring Has Sprung Artisan Market on May 11th! (get it? “May”? lol)
While there are many excellent reasons to attend this lively and fun event, here are my top three in support of our community!
The First Reason: Donate!
One of the reasons that I chose to be part of this FREE event is that it’s a fundraiser.
We are partnering with NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Health) for a special cause. We will be hosting a hygiene kit fundraiser to support individuals facing houselessness and mental health challenges.
Here’s a list of items that you can bring and donate to our fundraising efforts:
The Second Reason: Emotional Support Pickles!
Having a booth at an event like this is an excuse for me to meet people in my community. This is why I LOVE to have booths at fairs around Portland. Frankly, selling items is an excuse to be there,so I try to have items that are helpful and fun.
While I typically sell my book, Caskets From Costco, at events like this, I wanted to also include some other items. I have mental health stickers! (who doesn’t love a good sticker? I have many cups decorated with favorites. This won’t be stopping anytime soon.)
AND I am super excited to be selling Emotional Support Pickles! Take a look ~
LOL Look closely and you can still see the marks from my CPap machine…
I haven’t settled on prices for everything yet, but I cannot imagine that anything at my booth will be more than $10. Plus, I figured out how to take payments by people tapping their cards ON MY PHONE. That’s super convenient.
The Third Reason: Gifts!
And another reason I love to have a booth at events like this is tosupport small businesses in my community. This is a FABULOUS opportunity to financially support our local artisans and purchase some stuff for you or as gifts for others!
And let’s not forget, this event is on May 11th, THE DAY BEFORE MOTHER’S DAY. Fortunately, there will be over 70 vendors with gifts just in time for Mother’s Day, which is on May 12th!
The Details of the Artisan Market
Mark your calendars!
Date: Saturday, May 11th from 10am to 6pm
Place: Clackamas High School – free parking!
Cost? FREE! Which leaves more money for buying awesome stuff from local artisans.
And don’t forget to drop off donations!
Here’s a flyer to share! Hope to see you there!
Try the Support of Trauma Recovery & Grief Recovery Coaching
The good thing about popular culture is that I see a lot of jokes about deep breathing, square breathing, all the breathing.
This is great! Once something becomes a joke, then I know that it’s reached a certain level of cultural consciousness.
The bad thing about this is that “Did you try square breathing?” can quickly become a stereotype, and stereotypes lead to contempt.
I (FOR SURE) do not want to hold any nervous system exercises in contempt. They have all been helpful to me. There is no ONE “Right Way” to heal or process through trauma and grief.
So what if you want to go beyond deep breathing in your trauma and grief processing?
Have I got a deal for you! This post talks about an exercise you can do – any parts of it at any time, or use these suggestions as steps, as they are very similar to the 4 S’s– that can help take you into deeper and more consistent nervous system regulation.
1. Acknowledge the emotions that are happening.
When I first started my trauma and grief recovery journey about 20 years ago, I did not know how to connect with my emotions, much less acknowledge, name, process, and communicate them.
Learning how to acknowledge emotions is a Big Deal.
There can be one overwhelming emotion or several emotions. They can be one type (the anger family) or completely conflicting emotions, including opposites! These can be new emotions that are kicking up old wounds.
There’s no arguing with emotions. Welcome them in. They are messengers, and they need our attention.
Say them out loud if you can, or write them in longhand or on your phone: “I feel __________.” Your brain trusts your voice and your handwriting and helps your body and brain process.
Practicing acknowledgement is A HUGE step. Every effort counts!
2. Move the energy.
Emotions are energy, and they can get stuck in your body. Movement can be talking, any kind of physical movement (stretching to walking to running), writing, singing, dancing, drawing – whatever feels good to you and works for you.
If you have a hard time moving the energy by yourself, congratulations! You are human!
Trauma and grief need a witness.
I often need another person’s help to move emotional energy. I talk with my therapist, colleagues, friends, husband (not in that order LOL). Professionals like acupuncturists and massage therapists help A TON when I feel stuck.
And this is part of what I do for a living – I help people move emotional energy, processing it so that we can integrate our experiences and be our authentic selves.
3. Re-parent your inner kid(s).
This idea is becoming more popular with Internal Family Systems, which talks about how we all have different parts of us that need different things. These parts – in their efforts to keep us safe – can compete with and shut down other parts. The work is learning how to listen to and respond to the different parts of ourselves, especially the wounded ones.
Re-parenting your inner kid(s) is partly acknowledging that these are parts of ourselves that need something. Our work is finding out what they need, deep down, underneath the emotions and feelings.
How do we do this? Sitting with emotions and facing what’s underneath them. Kind of like cleaning a nasty wound on our bodies. It hurts to dig out the infected parts and put medicine on it and bandage it, but then the wound can heal.
As you sit with the emotions – which is difficult and painful at times – I encourage curiosity. Some questions to ask include:
*Are these emotions from old wounds, new wounds, or both?
*Can you identify these old wounds?
*When you think about these wounds, what images, thoughts, memories, smells, sounds (and more) come up?
*What ages are the parts of you that are feeling?
*What kinds of soothing words or actions (or snacks) do these parts need?
*How would you treat a child or an animal who was hurt and feeling strong emotions? How can you treat yourself in similar ways?
The Truth About Emotions (aka Big Feelings)
Big Feelings can happen whenever and wherever they want to. There may be a discernible trigger…and there may not. There might be a memory or an event you can point to and…there may not.
Practicing these deeper strategies with openness and curiosity will help build a sense of safety within yourself as you navigate through trauma and grief.
Try the Support of Trauma Recovery & Grief Recovery Coaching
This is what Grief Yoga extraordinaire Paul Denniston said in his email about this free event:
We’ll embrace mind/body/spirit techniques to guide your clients and community to transform grief, trauma, and anxietyinto more empowerment and love.
This is also designed to help support you and your self-care.
When dealing with challenging emotions, it can be hard to find the words to describe the struggle.
So instead, we hold the pain in the body.
Healing needs movement.
Ideal, right?
He also said that this is not for physical mastery, but emotional liberation, and will be taught from a chair. OH YEAH! I LOVE CHAIR YOGA. (Basically, one of my primary motivations at any given moment is finding a place to sit. I will sit almost anywhere. But I digress -)
When is FREE Grief Yoga?
This gift is next Tuesday, April 9th, at 10am PT / 1pm ET.
It WILL be recorded and sent to everyone who registered.
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