Reframing has shown up quite a bit in my own trauma and grief recovery journey.

Two primary ways are through writing and comedy. Writing out my trauma and grief experiences helps me to process that what happened was real, to explore my emotions and feelings about it, and to see not just the terrible parts, but the positive parts as well.

Practicing comedy skills is literally taking something terrible and finding what’s funny about it. There’s a reason why “Comedy = Tragedy + Time” is a popular saying. I also discovered while taking and teaching comedy classes that practicing writing jokes from our trauma and grief experiences helped change the brain for the better in terms of resilience and being able to practice reframing on a regular basis, which rewires our brains.

What is Reframing?

One important fact to know about our brains is that they are hardwired for negativity. Reframing is a skill that helps balance out our innate tendency to go negative.

This is a survival skill that in the past quite literally kept us alive. To keep from getting eaten or otherwise killed, our brains had to be aware of dangers of all kinds. We continue to be super-sensitive to negative stimuli, and our brains naturally respond in stronger ways to negative events.

A great example of how this bias shows up now is how we are far more likely to remember someone insulting us versus someone giving us a compliment. It’s far easier to hear and remember the insult.

This is very important to remember when processing trauma and grief. Dwelling and spiraling only on the negative can keep us from moving forward in recovery, taking us down those well-worn neural pathways. Reframing can help us rewire our brains for the positive.

Reframing vs. Toxic Positivity

Toxic Positivity is NOT the same as reframing.

Toxic Positivity simply ignores and pretends that negative thoughts, emotions, feelings, and attitudes occur because we are human. This way of thinking believes that we should only feel “good” emotions and that a positive attitude – and only positive – can and will solve your problems.

That’s a lot of pressure. Especially as humans living in our world.

This kind of pressure leads us to ignore our emotions, bottle them up, feel guilt and shame over “not being positive enough,” pretend that everything’s fine, and invalidate feelings.

Reframing is a skill that observes events, emotions, and feelings for what they are, using pieces of those events, emotions, and feelings to balance out the negative.

Like taking pieces of a broken table and making a chair out of it. All of the pieces are there and valid, we just made something that’s useful, positive, and more comfortable.

My Latest Reframing Opportunity Happened at My Ex’s House

This is an article I recently wrote for my column over at Sweatpants & Coffee. This awkward and embarrassing event was a perfect example of how I make my way in the world, why I feel so awkward in general, why I have an EXCELLENT sense of humor, and why I’m so good at reframing. Enjoy!

I mean what I say when I state that I am awkward and clumsy.

Some ungainly and embarrassing events in my life have included:

• Running into a sliding glass door (BONK)
• Spilling an entire glass of tea on myself (OW)
• While driving a surrey, crashing us into the rear panel of a shiny white Lincoln Town Car (nobody was injured)

These three events happened in the course of one weekend.

Other events of my lifetime have included:

• Falling into an underground ancient German baptismal pool (to be fair, the stairs were slippery and it was dark)
• Getting hit by balls in various places on my body while “trying to play” (“hit by balls” = that’s what she said)
• Rolling my ankle when stepping off my porch (regularly rolling my ankles, actually)
• Stumbling down a step of about an inch in height and tearing a quad muscle (this was while traveling; I needed a wheelchair to get through the airport)
• Falling down a flight of stairs wearing only a shirt and underwear (yes, I got a ride in the ambulance for that one, plus a super fun catheter to check my kidneys)
• Sitting on an Ikea slat bed that promptly dissolved (to be fair, it said the weight limit was a hundred pounds, so that one’s on me)

I am LEGIT afraid of getting older as I am clearly a fall threat. I’m 48 years old, and I already take an exercise class for seniors at my community center that is built around maintaining good balance (and I’ll continue to take it until I leave this earth, probably from, you guessed it…falling).

So I Was At My Ex-Husband’s House

I recently encountered an outdoor dining set while attending my youngest son’s high school graduation party at my ex-husband’s home.  

To reiterate, I was at my ex-husband’s home. At a party. Socializing with friends and family and acquaintances that I did not know well and/or haven’t seen in a long while. As in, these were the friends that he got in the divorce.    

My ex-husband and his wife had purchased this table and chairs – officially known as the Brown 5-Piece Acacia Wood Rectangle Counter Height Outdoor Dining Set with White Cushions – in 2021. 

And it was nice, I admit. The table had a smooth, slatted top with tall, sturdy legs that tapered.The matching four chairs looked innocuous. The white cushions covered the wooden seats, but the back of each chair was slatted and the legs were all solid, matching the table. Each piece was stained a lovely walnut color.

The seat did not turn or rotate in any way (I checked, due to my history of clumsiness), and it had a footrest. (Hint: if a chair needs a footrest, it’s too tall.) 

Basically, the chair looked like a regular chair, except taller. Not like the threat it would invariably turn out to be. 

The Home Depot website description claims that the table and chairs are “convenient” bar height, but even at my current height of 5’9”, I ask you, is ANY bar height chair really “convenient”? 

No. No, it is not. But I digress...

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