The day before my wedding, I rode in the passenger seat of a rented, cherry red, brand new Ford Explorer. This baby was sweet – the soft gray leather cradled me as I leaned back and looked out the window.

I had planned this small destination wedding for almost a year during the pandemic – no easy feat. Now our family of 15 sequestered together in a large Vermont farmhouse, talking and playing games and laughing and eating. A dream come true.

We took day trips to nearby towns in the days leading up to the wedding, being tourists and gathering souvenirs. As the bride, I had dibs on the passenger seat of the sweet new Ford Explorer.

A Thought Bubbled Up…

The wedding was scheduled for the peak foliage season in New England, and I spent every waking moment drinking it in. The hillsides of leaves as they clung to branches. Scarlet, coral, gold, amber, all mixed and matched in trees and even on leaves, some still outlined in green. Roadsides covered in carpets of fallen leaves.

The landscape was so beautiful that it hurt, you know what I mean?

I sat in the passenger seat of the Ford Explorer, listening to my family members in the back as they chatted, watching the changing leaf landscape outside my window, and a thought bubbled up –

“I am ready to enjoy my life.”

A moment of clarity. An epiphany. Fleeting but solid.

The sentence – the declaration – floated around in my mind.

“I am ready to enjoy my life.”

My heart jogged, skipping a beat. Excitement traveled up from my gut and crowded into my chest.

The Reality of Thriving

This was a life-changing moment. As the thought bubbled up – “I am ready to enjoy my life.” – I could step away as an observer and acknowledge the hugeness of this thought, these feelings, this moment.

In therapy for almost two decades, I know what it’s like to identify as a victim and a survivor, but not necessarily a thriver. I know about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and how debilitating the symptoms can be, but I confess that I wasn’t sure if I knew or had reached Post Traumatic Growth.

I mean, what’s the point? What was I reaching for? I had learned and faced again and again that my trauma recovery journey would “never be over,” so what was Thriving or Post Traumatic Growth, anyway?

It was this moment, this declaration: “I am ready to enjoy my life.”

Thriving and Post Traumatic Growth are about knowing that I am worthy of love. That I deserve happiness and joy. That my trauma does not rule my life; instead, I have voice and choice over how I deal with emotions, thoughts, feelings, and actions. That I don’t live locked in the past, but I am present for what is happening right now.

Four Truths of Post Traumatic Growth

As I celebrate this moment, I stood back and wondered, “How did I get here?”

I mean, I know how I got here. My transition into Thriving and Post Traumatic Growth didn’t happen by accident. In my booklet, Five Things Every Trauma Survivor Needs to Know, I talk about all of the different therapies I’ve tried over the years (get your copy here, by the way!) I’ve spent a ton of time, energy, and effort in my own journey of trauma recovery, especially after my kids were born. As I spent time reflecting on what brought me to being ready to thrive, these four truths of post traumatic growth bubbled up to the surface.

Truth One: Trauma Responses Are Happening

Like it or not, our behavior is ruled by unhealed trauma. These are called Trauma Responses, and they are automatic and at least one thing trauma survivors (as in, me) have in common. One of my prevalent Trauma Responses is a fear of abandonment. I’m still working on this one, and will continue to do so. What helps? Working with professionals, practicing self-compassion, loving on the parts of me that were abandoned in various ways as I grew up, and learning how to not abandon myself.

Truth Two: You Can’t Change What You Don’t See

Facing the truth is tough. Painful. Like ripping off a bandaid. However, the fact remains that until we face the truth (of whatever “it” is), we cannot change. Too often, we feel shame about the truth.

There is so much shame that comes along with trauma. The shame hides in the background and we grow used to it, as if it has always been there. The shame tells us that there is something wrong with us and to not face the truth as a twisted way to try and protect us from further harm.

But hiding is a lie and ultimately does not protect us. Plus, there is nothing wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with us.

Truth Three: A Different Life Requires Different Choices

When I had my kids, I knew that I wanted to be a better parent than my own parents, who were abusive. While this is a great intention, it is nothing but a coin thrown into a wishing well without action to back it up. Once we start to see our trauma responses and where they came from, we begin to realize that we can process our emotions and feelings and thoughts differently. We have the power to choose to make a different life than what we’ve experienced.

Truth Four: Time is Going to Pass Anyway

Whenever I come up against something that seems overwhelming, I like to think of this phrase: “Time is going to pass anyway.” Like when I went to school to become a Trauma Recovery Coach. It took the better part of a year, and guess what? That time was going to pass anyway. Either I was going to be certified as a Trauma Recovery Coach at the end of that year or I wasn’t. I decided to go for it.

It’s the same with my healing journey. I mentioned earlier that I struggle with abandonment issues. Instead of ignoring it and hoping that it goes away, I see it as a Trauma Response, I know that I can make different choices when processing that response, and time is going to pass anyway.

Why should I try? Because I am ready to enjoy my life! Continuing on my healing journey can only help.

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