Let's Talk About Capacity & Spoon Theory

kellywilsonwrites

4 Dec, 2023

Capacity is an important – and neglected – topic in our culture.

Sometimes you want to do something, but you just *can’t*.

Sometimes you want to do A LOT of things, and you just *can’t*.

That might not be because you are stressed and tired. This might be an issue of capacity. Especially during the holidays.

What is Capacity?

a gingerbread man in a bathtub of mini marshmallows having a great time

For our purposes in mental health and trauma, PTSD, & grief recovery, capacity is the maximum amount that something – or someone – can hold.

I think of capacity like a bathtub. There’s only so much water that a bathtub can hold before it all starts to overflow and make a mess.

We each have a capacity. The amount of capacity we have changes at any given time.

What Changes Capacity?

In short, EVERYTHING.

Here are some examples of what can change capacity:

The amount and type of trauma we’ve experienced – PTSD, CPTSD, nervous system dysregulation
Grief events and anniversaries
Death of a loved one
Divorce
Global Pandemic
Holidays
Relationships: partners, kids, parents, friends
Physical illness and injury of self and others – this is one of the easiest ways to see capacity at work
Chronic illnesses of self and others – lupus, long covid, fibromyalgia, and more
Mental health diagnoses
Surgery
Time of year – for me, winter = LESS capacity
The kind and rhythm of the work that we do
Going to school, taking classes or workshops
Starting a hobby
Habits – eating, exercising, working, resting…

So yeah – anything and everything can change our capacity levels.

Capacity Measured in Spoons

The Spoon Theory was created in 2003 by Christine Miserandino to illustrate the realities of living with a chronic illness. Here are the VERY bare bones of what Spoon Theory means (based on my capacity and because I’ve included downloads with more info below) ~

We have energy each day.
Each unit of energy is measured in a spoon.
The amount of spoons you have to use in a day depends on your specific make up and needs.
Some activities use more spoons than others.
We need to decide how to use our spoons in the course of a day, week, month, season, and year.

I use Spoon Theory when it comes to the Major Depressive Disorder I deal with, especially during the winter months. During the months of November and December, I simply do not know how I will feel or how much energy I will have on any given day.

During these months, I choose to monitor my spoons very carefully, because my capacity is already low and I don’t want to run out.

Downloadables About Spoon Theory

First, a helpful graphic:

Graphic illustrating spoon theory — https://me-pedia.org/wiki/Spoon_theory

And you can download The Spoon Theory Story right here ~

BYDLS-TheSpoonTheory Download

Capacity Changes During the Holidays

We are human.

I know as trauma survivors that we hold ourselves to – different – higher – impossible to meet – standards.

I do it, too. More than I’d like to admit.

The simple fact is that we are human and we limitations. THERE IS NO SHAME IN THIS.

Our culture expects an ENORMOUS amount – an unrealistic and cruel amount – from us, without providing adequate resources or support.

That means it’s up to you and me to figure out what we need according to our capacity and NOT abandon ourselves. This is a VALUABLE opportunity to be the parent to ourselves that we needed and didn’t have.

Take care of yourself, and honor your capacity. This helps to create a safe and loving container within yourself.

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How Emotions are Like Farts

kellywilsonwrites

29 Nov, 2023

I am known in my circles for my love of farts.

Yep. The part of me that is *clearly* 12 years old LOVES farts and thinks they are HILARIOUS (also butts are hilarious in a Tina Belcher way, and also poop, but(t) primarily emojis).

One of my friends sent me the reel below about – you guessed it – FARTS! But it’s EVEN BETTER, because the video is about how emotions are like farts, and I got SUPER inspired.

So let’s talk about it!

A Farty Design

A brindled dog pooping in a field — In my office, I have a calendar that shows dogs pooping in beautiful placees. FYI.

The thing about our bodies and our brains is that they are designed to process efficiently and effectively. We eat, digest to use the stuff we need to survive and thrive, and we get rid of waste materials in the form of going #1, #2, and the non-numbered fart mechanism.

Emotions are similar. WE ARE DESIGNED TO FEEL EMOTIONS AND ASSIGN MEANING TO THEM, AND THAT’S HOW EMOTIONS BECOME FEELINGS.

Our bodies are very good at sensing what’s going on around us and inside us in very efficient and effective ways. Our culture has taught us to ignore those signals.

One of the jobs of trauma, ptsd, and grief recovery is learning how to sense, acknowledge, identify, name, process, express, and communicate our emotions and feelings in healthy (and non-stinky) ways. (Does this sound overwhelming? No worries, I can help, and a Discovery Call is free).

Letting Them Rip Feels Good

When it comes to farting AND expressing emotions, it feels good to let them out (whether we like it or not).

We spend a lot of time and energy and effort trying to ignore, deny, and *not* express our emotions.

To put it simply, farts are air that needs to move, and emotions are energy that needs to move.

When I frame emotions as simply energy communicating important information, it takes the judgement out of the process.

Ignore at Your Own Risk

The thing about farts and feelings is that the more you ignore them, the more painful they get.

You know how it feels. The energy gathers and we become bloated with pent up air, which then become cramps, and there’s really no good medicine for stuck farts or emotions.

You just gotta let them out. One of the tricks to trauma, PTSD, and grief recovery is learning how to allow emotions to move through us in healthy ways.

Farts are Temporary

“Let everything happen to you Beauty and terror Just keep going No feeling is final” ― Rainer Maria Rilke

One of my favorite quotes that I use with PTSD Recovery Basics is:

“Let everything happen to you
Beauty and terror
Just keep going
No feeling is final”
~ Rainer Maria Rilke

We have thousands of emotions and feelings a day. It only takes about 90 seconds to process a feeling, and it also takes this short amount of time to get helpful hormones through crying.

It takes even less time than that to let ‘er rip. Mere seconds will have you feeling relief.

Be Careful Which Ones You Trust

When you’ve lived as long as I have (I’m currently 49), then you probably have had that UH-OH experience when letting a fart loose. In fact, I would be hard-pressed to find a single person I know who hasn’t pooped their pants a lil bit. Simply put:

You can’t always trust a fart. Or, for that matter, a feeling, which is giving meaning to those sensations.

When it comes to emotions, the tricky part is between sensing that something is going on and assigning meaning to those emotions. In short, you can trust yourself when it comes to sensing what’s going on and using your intuition, but feelings – the meaning part – you can’t always trust as truth.

Sometimes we assign meaning to emotions and that meaning isn’t true. It’s an UH-OH experience, based on previous programming and conditioning.

That’s when we can use Wise Mind to analyze and balance our beliefs and thoughts around emotions. One of the primary questions I like to ask about beliefs, thoughts, and feelings is: “Is that true?”

One example is during my bouts of depression, when my brain tells me and I “feel” like “my life doesn’t matter.” Is that true? Absolutely not. It’s old programming that I’m working with and slowly allowing to move through me.

Beware of Explosions

an airplane coming in for a landing — Just a big ol’ metal tube of farts

Have you ever held in a fart? Plane rides do it to me every time. Nothing builds up fart bubbles in my system like getting on a plane for several hours.

Sure, I try to let them leak out over the course of the flight, but sometimes I just know that they’re going to be TOO loud or stinky or whatever.

(And side note: everyone farts on airplanes. They are literal metal tubes of farts. I STILL wear masks on planes for this very reason.)

So by the time I can get off the plane, the air fairly EXPLODES from my innards in whooshes of relief. My southern cheeks are like hands clapping in delight and relief.

Same with emotions. If you don’t let them out, they will gather up and then – you guessed it – explode. This was once a way of life for me before I went through PTSD Remediation.

The Inspirational Fart Video

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A post shared by Milka Loff / Emotional Health Ambassador (@milkalofffernandes)

Yes, I AM this hilarious in real life. Want help? Let’s chat, it’s free.

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kellywilsonwrites

27 Nov, 2023

Blog

This is NOT a Black Friday ad or even a Cyber Monday ad by the time you get this…BUT this announcement DOES have incredible information about the upcoming small group, Trauma & Grief Writing: Own Your Story.

Me in 2017, days before I went to the writing group, dealing with a lot of HEAVY STUFF.

I remember the first time I went to a writing group that was especially for writing and sharing DEEP STUFF.

I…felt…terrified!

AND excited! (Did you know that physiologically, the body feels “anxiety” and “nervous” and “terrified” the same way? Sometimes it’s how you frame it).

But mostly I felt terrified.

Would my writing be “good” or “sophisticated” enough? Would people like me? Do I even have “a story”? Are my stories even “trauma” and “grief”? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, ANYWAY? Will people laugh at me? Will they be nice? Will they already know each other and leave me out? What if? What if? What if?

Yeah. Yep. A lot of thoughts and Big Feelings.

Own Your Story or It Owns You

The thing about trauma and grief is that it makes itself known.

Even if you’ve decided that you are “done processing this stuff.” (I’ve tried this)

Even if you’ve chosen to “leave it in the past.” (I’ve tried this)

Even if you believe that you can “think your way out of the trauma.” (I have also tried this)

Or even if you think that “nobody wants to hear this” or “I don’t need to say this out loud.” (Yep, I’ve done this, too)

Trauma and grief show up. Full stop.

They show up in PTSD symptoms and relationships and in the turning of the seasons. They show up in how lonely we feel and in habits and behaviors that we don’t want but can’t stop and the depression that seems to pop up out of nowhere. They show up in how we go about our business every day of our lives, until we decide to change them.

Trauma & Grief Need a Witness

The body remembers. The nervous system remembers. The brain remembers.

And they want to heal.

One way to move forward in this recovery process is to be witnessed by others. To show others our stories, our wounds, our scars, our fears…

Our WORDS.

Our words of truth and pain and injustice and joy and redemption.

And more.

I found out how wonderful this process is back in 2017, when I first experienced it myself.

Save Your Spot for Trauma & Grief Writing Group

Own your story a word at a time with a small group (no more than 6), writing and sharing virtually during one writing day each month. Safe, supportive, and vulnerable environment. No previous writing experience needed.

When? Jan 6, Feb 3, Mar 2, April 6, May 4, June 1, from 10 am to 12:30 pm PST

Cost? $349

A $50 deposit holds your spot. The balance ($299) can be paid in one or multiple payments, starting in January 2024.

Do these steps in any order!

1. Please take a look at this group’s Policies & Procedures.

2. Take a look at the Questionnaire and fill it out

3. Pay the $50 deposit here!

Questions? Email kelly@mapyourhealing.com!

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Practicing Radical Hope

kellywilsonwrites

8 Nov, 2023

I’ve been thinking a lot about practicing Radical Hope.

When I walked the Labyrinth for Winter Solstice last year, I got my word for the year. This is a practice I’ve done each year since 2017.

I did not expect the 2023 Word for My Year to be so terrifying.

The word?

Heartbroken.

Radical Hope in Brokenness

During the pandemic, I wrote a poem/essay/word salad about what it means to be broken, how being broken is a good thing.

Think about a seed in the Spring, which has laid dormant for months.

When we plant seeds, we condemn those seeds to death.

This sounds dramatic and like we’re some kind of evil gardeners. We’re not. We are participating in a cycle of life and death.

It is the seed’s job to destroy itself in order to create something new.

The seed breaks open, shreds its outer lining, and a sprout emerges.

That sprout is Radical Hope.

When we plant seeds of any kind, we are practicing Radical Hope.

It’s All a Cycle

A phoenix tattoo on the inside forearm of a person, many colors, with wings upward. — My phoenix tattoo, reminding me that I’ve burned to ash dozens of times, and I’ve been reborn every single time.

We are taught to think about life in a linear way. Start a project to finish it. Be productive. Move in a straight line.

Trauma and grief recovery does not work like this. LIFE does not work like this.

If there was a finish line, I would have found it. I spent many, many years searching for one.

Trauma and PTSD and grief recovery are all cycles. Not ONE large cycle, but a course of many small cycles.

Every time I go through a grieving cycle, whether it’s from past or present circumstances, I feel like a Phoenix.

In these cycles, I’m submerged in a fire of emotions. My bones and cells and everything I’ve known about this circumstance is turned to ash.

And then I rise again. Renewed. Reborn. Not carrying the trauma and grief from the past, because I let it burn through processing it. Letting it cycle through, so that I am not destroyed.

What is so Radical About Hope?

Hope is knowing that even though we feel like we are being destroyed, we will rise again. We will sprout something fruitful and lush and green. We will grow wings of greater wisdom.

The world is hard and we are soft.

Sometimes – especially now – it is very difficult to know how to live in this world. How to BE in this world of chaos and war and hate and despair and hopelessness.

We can choose to participate in the cycle of Radical Hope.

We can choose to allow ourselves to be broken, and then rebuild.

To allow ourselves to burn, and then rise again.

To be Hope personified.

I’m offering a Trauma & Grief Writing: Own Your Story for the New Year small group. One writing day a month for 6 months. Small group of 6 writers. No judgement, but Radical Hope. Only $50 holds your spot, and payment plans are available. Go here for more details.

Try Trauma Recovery & Grief Recovery Coaching

Sign up here to get a free copy of Five Things Every Trauma Survivor Needs to Know AND

61 Tips About the Grief Experience.

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Try Trauma Recovery and Grief Recovery Coaching for Free! Book a free 30-minute Discovery Call to find out more!

Trauma & Grief Writing: Own Your Story for the New Year

kellywilsonwrites

6 Nov, 2023

In September 2017, I found out the true value of trauma and grief writing.

I had been re-traumatized by an event at the beginning of that summer. Between June and September that year, I had sunk into a deep numbness that alternated with staring and crying. My marriage was not doing well. I was doing my best to function as a parent to two teen boys and at work and felt like I was barely hanging on.

I could not see the light at the end of the tunnel. I didn’t know what I needed, nor did I know how to get it. I felt like I was drowning in emotional pain and trauma responses and grief.

Then I received a message from a writing friend, who said, “This writing workshop is happening in your area. Go. You need to go.”

My First Trauma & Grief Writing Experience

There I am, in the green shirt! A pic of one of the many writing workshops I’ve taken since 2017.

I signed up, getting one of the last spots.

On the first day of the two-day workshop, I sat with a group of women, some of whom I already knew. The facilitator got us warmed up to write, gave us prompts, and set us loose to write for 45 minutes around the hostess’ house.

I felt like I had nothing to lose. Nobody could shame me more than I already was shaming myself.

I felt scared and vulnerable, but I needed to get all of the thoughts and feelings out onto paper.

I needed to be seen and heard.

I needed to be held as only a person witnessing your pain can hold you, even if there’s no physical touching at all.

So I wrote.

I wrote everything, that day and the next day of the workshop.

When each writing session was done, we sat in a circle and each one of us read what we had written, out loud. Our words rose and fell on invisible currents of air, swirling around each person in the room.

What Trauma & Grief Writing Gave Me

In these writing workshops over the last six years, I have told my story. One word at a time, one sentence at a time, one page at a time.

I have met women who have become lifelong friends, with a depth of understanding that you don’t always find in a community.

And speaking of community…they gave me a place and space to heal, to speak and be heard, in community.

Healing happens in community.

So now, after writing Caskets From Costco and other books and hundreds of articles about trauma and grief, I feel called to offer this kind of experience to others.

Trauma & Grief Writing: Own Your Story – Save Your Spot

When? Jan 6, Feb 3, Mar 2, April 6, May 4, June 1, from 10 am to 12:30 pm PST

Cost? $349

A $50 deposit holds your spot. The balance ($299) can be paid in one or multiple payments, starting in January 2024.

How to Hold Your Spot

Do these steps in any order!

1. Please take a look at this group’s Policies & Procedures.

2. Take a look at the Questionnaire and fill it out

3. Pay the $50 deposit here!

Questions? Email Kelly at kelly@mapyourhealing.com

Latest Posts

Try Trauma Recovery & Grief Recovery Coaching

Sign up here to get a free copy of Five Things Every Trauma Survivor Needs to Know AND

61 Tips About the Grief Experience.

Find out more about Trauma and Grief Recovery Coaching

I offer one-on-one sessions, groups, PTSD Remediation, and classes. Appointments are offered in-person and online.

Try Trauma Recovery and Grief Recovery Coaching for Free! Book a free 30-minute Discovery Call to find out more!