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My Secrets to Navigating Fancy Holiday Depression & Feelings

kellywilsonwrites

11 Dec, 2023

A few years ago, I decided to stop fighting my fancy holiday depression. I mean, it’s better than it ever has been.

In my 20s and 30s, I would get very, very sick around the holidays. I’m talking fevers, exhaustion, bacterial infections that lasted for weeks, barely able to function kind of sick.

Remember how the body keeps the score? Yep, that’s what this is. Because I experienced my childhood sexual abuse around the holidays, my body and brain struggle during this time of year. Not nearly as much, for sure, because I rarely get sick during these months anymore. This is a victory!

Still, I have some lingering fancy holiday depression, and today I’m sharing my secrets for navigating it.

Don’t Fight It

a red and white striped delicate tea cup with marshmallows overflowing from the top and a spoonful of liquid chocolate suspended above, dripping onto the marshmallows
It’s a mess, but it’s MY mess

Okay, first let me tell you what I DON’T mean. I don’t mean “fighting depression” with toxic positivity or denial or pushing through your regular to-do list while you feel dead inside.

What I mean is, no more avoiding, negotiating, running, fighting, shame, or self-loathing. No more never ending hamster wheels in my brain about how I “should” be this or that. No more time lost beating myself up about something I cannot control and is, quite frankly, not my fault. Children don’t sexually abuse themselves. I didn’t give myself major depressive disorder.

Just plain ol’ Radical Acceptance.

I love Radical Acceptance. It feels like the Serenity Prayer – accept the things I cannot change. I have tried to change my fancy holiday depression for many, many years, and I finally came to the conclusion a few years ago that I cannot change it.

With acknowledgement comes peace.

Depression makes life more difficult during the holidays. Facts. Full stop. No amount of “good vibes” or wishing or willing it denial is going to change that.

Knowledge is power. Take advantage of it.

Back to Basics During Holiday Depression

I recently had a session with my therapist where I said, “I have an awesome life and everything is going well and I’m doing ALL THE THINGS, and I still feel shitty.”

“You do ALL THE THINGS not to feel better, but to keep yourself from feeling worse,” she replied.

Keep doing the boring stuff. Rest, take meds and supplements, eat nourishing and delicious food, and move your body. And HYDRATE.

Don’t overthink it. This is what THIS particular routine is for, because we just don’t have that many executive functions online during depressive episodes.

What are Decreased Executive Functions?

One of my signs (red flags) of depression is simply not being able to make decisions. Executive functioning is A Thing, and it can wear out quickly.

Executive Functioning is often talked about in the world of ADHD, but they absolutely deserve recognition in the world of Trauma, PTSD, and Grief Recovery.

Trauma, PTSD, and Grief all mess with our executive functioning.

What are Executive Functions? These are a set of skills that help us regulate our behavior and get things done.

Examples of Executive Functions

  • Planning ahead
  • Acting intentionally
  • Regulating emotions
  • Short term or longer term working memory
  • Transitioning between tasks that require different brainpower
  • Delaying gratification
  • Thinking creatively
  • Filtering distractions
  • Following directions
  • Managing time
  • Starting and finishing tasks

Here’s more on the role of Executive Functions from a video about brain development by Harvard University.

Therefore, Cut Down Decisions

Okay, so Executive Functioning is tough – what can we do?

Cut down the amount of decisions – as many as possible – during any given day. Examples of what I do include:

  • I eat the same things for breakfast and lunch. That way, I only have dinner to think about.
  • Make dinners with a super simple meal plan, same thing each week on the same day.
  • For clothes, my lifestyle allows for athletic and casual clothes, and all of them match. I wear fun Fall and Christmas t-shirts during this time of year, and that also helps.
  • Do laundry on the same days each week, and same with the other chores. Or have someone else in your home pick up more chores for a while.
  • Shop for groceries with the same or a similar list each week.
  • Exercise in a scheduled group or class.
  • Brush teeth and shower and all that at the same time.

This can be as relaxed or structured as you need. In general, the less that you have to think about, think through, or decide, the better. This gives your brain a rest and allows for more sophisticated executive functions.

Slow Down

Walking the labyrinth at the Portland Grotto on Winter Solstice 2022

We are not making plans, except plans to rest. (By “we,” I mean me and all of my inner children, lol)

Consider this a time in your year to practice spontaneity. Depression is the best way to try going with the flow.

I make plans for things that I *absolutely want* to do. For example, I LOVE Christmas shopping and getting all of the snacks together for time with family and friends, so that is what I concentrate on. Also, I keep my Solstice tradition every year, because it’s very meaningful to me.

As far as other stuff, I do my best. Parties sound fun, but I might not go. I drive myself places during the month of December so that I can leave anytime I need to. Extra snacks and water are placed at work, in my car, in my purse, etc. And I watch the Great British Baking Show…A LOT.

Plan-making is generally delegated to others, made with the understanding that everything is fluid up to 20 min before the event, and/or gets left behind. And sometimes, I want to do Christmas stuff out of the blue! That is the wild fun of depression! (insert sarcasm)

No matter what, though – You deserve to rest and have space and time to feel what you feel.

All of these secrets to navigating fancy holiday depression have been learned the hard way. I would love to hear how you navigate your own holiday experiences.

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The Top Reason to Join Trauma & Grief Writing for the New Year

kellywilsonwrites

6 Dec, 2023

Now. The time is now.

A number of my clients are labeled “senior citizens.”

I did not expect to work with seniors. This is a reflection of our society, and a way that I showed ageism.

Because in our culture, senior citizens are invisible and unimportant and not interesting. Our culture teaches us that once you get to be a certain age or look a certain way, you need to disappear or we will roll our eyes at your stories and advice and wisdom. We will overlook and ignore your needs. We will demand your isolation, because to be in community costs a lot of money that we don’t want to spend on you.

Okay, EW.

Personally, I assumed for a long time that we reach a “certain age” and just…BECOME WISE and HEALED.

We “get it all together” and “things make sense” and “trauma and grief are processed.” Tah-dah!

For me, this set of assumptions was shattered when Robin Williams died at age 64. In the course of processing that collective loss, I knew that I would be 64 someday, and I had assumptions about my own aging and healing process.

Trauma and grief do not diminish with age. Neither does intelligence, the desire for love in all forms, the need to live with meaning, and the need for an active community and deep relationships.

I learn a ton from all of my clients. My more mature clients teach me about the joys and challenges of getting older in our society, and how trauma can play out over time.

Trauma and grief do not decrease with age.

Dealing with trauma and grief responses now only helps the maturation process. It’s never too late to build community, change your brain, deepen relationships and find new ones, and make meaning.

The time is now. Time and life are relentless.

Start now. At any age.

There are a few more spots for the monthly trauma and grief writing group. Build community and process trauma and grief in a supportive, confidential, and safe environment. No age requirement 😉

What To Expect Each Writing Day

  • First, we will build a safe community with a set of ground rules that we all create.
  • Second, I will lead a grounding exercise. 
  • Third, I will provide a few prompts to get us started. We will write for a specific amount of time. 
  • Fourth, we’ll take a short break, with snacks.
  • Fifth, we’ll read our work. When each writer is done reading, we are allowed to respond with what resonated for us as witnesses to the story. No criticism of form or content allowed. 
  • Last, we will do a brief grounding exercise and be on our way.

When? Jan 6, Feb 3, Mar 2, April 6, May 4, June 1, from 10 am to 12:30 pm PST

Where? Zoom

Cost? $349

A $50 deposit holds your spot. The balance ($299) can be paid in one or multiple payments, starting in January 2024.

How to Hold Your Spot

1. Please take a look at this group’s Policies & Procedures.

2. Take a look at the Questionnaire and fill it out

3. Pay the $50 deposit here!

Questions? Email Kelly at kelly@mapyourhealing.com

Terms & Conditions: This group is for humans who identify as female. Each session is confidential. Rescheduling will happen only if facilitator falls ill and is unable to perform facilitating duties the day of a session. If a participant falls ill and is unable to attend, facilitator will send that session’s writing prompts and provide time and space for participant to read and receive resonant feedback at the next meeting. No refunds. If paid funds cannot be used for this group, they can be used for future sessions or groups agreed upon by the facilitator and the participant.

Let's Talk About Capacity & Spoon Theory

kellywilsonwrites

4 Dec, 2023

Capacity is an important – and neglected – topic in our culture.

Sometimes you want to do something, but you just *can’t*.

Sometimes you want to do A LOT of things, and you just *can’t*.

That might not be because you are stressed and tired. This might be an issue of capacity. Especially during the holidays.

What is Capacity?

a gingerbread man in a bathtub of mini marshmallows having a great time

For our purposes in mental health and trauma, PTSD, & grief recovery, capacity is the maximum amount that something – or someone – can hold.

I think of capacity like a bathtub. There’s only so much water that a bathtub can hold before it all starts to overflow and make a mess.

We each have a capacity. The amount of capacity we have changes at any given time.

What Changes Capacity?

In short, EVERYTHING.

Here are some examples of what can change capacity:

  • The amount and type of trauma we’ve experienced – PTSD, CPTSD, nervous system dysregulation
  • Grief events and anniversaries
  • Death of a loved one
  • Divorce
  • Global Pandemic
  • Holidays
  • Relationships: partners, kids, parents, friends
  • Physical illness and injury of self and others – this is one of the easiest ways to see capacity at work
  • Chronic illnesses of self and others – lupus, long covid, fibromyalgia, and more
  • Mental health diagnoses
  • Surgery
  • Time of year – for me, winter = LESS capacity
  • The kind and rhythm of the work that we do
  • Going to school, taking classes or workshops
  • Starting a hobby
  • Habits – eating, exercising, working, resting…

So yeah – anything and everything can change our capacity levels.

Capacity Measured in Spoons

The Spoon Theory was created in 2003 by Christine Miserandino to illustrate the realities of living with a chronic illness. Here are the VERY bare bones of what Spoon Theory means (based on my capacity and because I’ve included downloads with more info below) ~

  • We have energy each day.
  • Each unit of energy is measured in a spoon.
  • The amount of spoons you have to use in a day depends on your specific make up and needs.
  • Some activities use more spoons than others.
  • We need to decide how to use our spoons in the course of a day, week, month, season, and year.

I use Spoon Theory when it comes to the Major Depressive Disorder I deal with, especially during the winter months. During the months of November and December, I simply do not know how I will feel or how much energy I will have on any given day.

During these months, I choose to monitor my spoons very carefully, because my capacity is already low and I don’t want to run out.

Downloadables About Spoon Theory

First, a helpful graphic:

Graphic illustrating spoon theory
https://me-pedia.org/wiki/Spoon_theory

And you can download The Spoon Theory Story right here ~

BYDLS-TheSpoonTheoryDownload

Capacity Changes During the Holidays

We are human.

I know as trauma survivors that we hold ourselves to – different – higher – impossible to meet – standards.

I do it, too. More than I’d like to admit.

The simple fact is that we are human and we limitations. THERE IS NO SHAME IN THIS.

Our culture expects an ENORMOUS amount – an unrealistic and cruel amount – from us, without providing adequate resources or support.

That means it’s up to you and me to figure out what we need according to our capacity and NOT abandon ourselves. This is a VALUABLE opportunity to be the parent to ourselves that we needed and didn’t have.

Take care of yourself, and honor your capacity. This helps to create a safe and loving container within yourself.

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61 Tips About the Grief Experience.

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How Emotions are Like Farts

kellywilsonwrites

29 Nov, 2023

I am known in my circles for my love of farts.

Yep. The part of me that is *clearly* 12 years old LOVES farts and thinks they are HILARIOUS (also butts are hilarious in a Tina Belcher way, and also poop, but(t) primarily emojis).

One of my friends sent me the reel below about – you guessed it – FARTS! But it’s EVEN BETTER, because the video is about how emotions are like farts, and I got SUPER inspired.

So let’s talk about it!

A Farty Design

A brindled dog pooping in a field
In my office, I have a calendar that shows dogs pooping in beautiful placees. FYI.

The thing about our bodies and our brains is that they are designed to process efficiently and effectively. We eat, digest to use the stuff we need to survive and thrive, and we get rid of waste materials in the form of going #1, #2, and the non-numbered fart mechanism.

Emotions are similar. WE ARE DESIGNED TO FEEL EMOTIONS AND ASSIGN MEANING TO THEM, AND THAT’S HOW EMOTIONS BECOME FEELINGS.

Our bodies are very good at sensing what’s going on around us and inside us in very efficient and effective ways. Our culture has taught us to ignore those signals.

One of the jobs of trauma, ptsd, and grief recovery is learning how to sense, acknowledge, identify, name, process, express, and communicate our emotions and feelings in healthy (and non-stinky) ways. (Does this sound overwhelming? No worries, I can help, and a Discovery Call is free).

Letting Them Rip Feels Good

When it comes to farting AND expressing emotions, it feels good to let them out (whether we like it or not).

We spend a lot of time and energy and effort trying to ignore, deny, and *not* express our emotions.

To put it simply, farts are air that needs to move, and emotions are energy that needs to move.

When I frame emotions as simply energy communicating important information, it takes the judgement out of the process.

Ignore at Your Own Risk

The thing about farts and feelings is that the more you ignore them, the more painful they get.

You know how it feels. The energy gathers and we become bloated with pent up air, which then become cramps, and there’s really no good medicine for stuck farts or emotions.

You just gotta let them out. One of the tricks to trauma, PTSD, and grief recovery is learning how to allow emotions to move through us in healthy ways.

Farts are Temporary

“Let everything happen to you Beauty and terror Just keep going No feeling is final” ― Rainer Maria Rilke

One of my favorite quotes that I use with PTSD Recovery Basics is:

“Let everything happen to you
Beauty and terror
Just keep going
No feeling is final”

~ Rainer Maria Rilke

We have thousands of emotions and feelings a day. It only takes about 90 seconds to process a feeling, and it also takes this short amount of time to get helpful hormones through crying.

It takes even less time than that to let ‘er rip. Mere seconds will have you feeling relief.

Be Careful Which Ones You Trust

When you’ve lived as long as I have (I’m currently 49), then you probably have had that UH-OH experience when letting a fart loose. In fact, I would be hard-pressed to find a single person I know who hasn’t pooped their pants a lil bit. Simply put:

You can’t always trust a fart. Or, for that matter, a feeling, which is giving meaning to those sensations.

When it comes to emotions, the tricky part is between sensing that something is going on and assigning meaning to those emotions. In short, you can trust yourself when it comes to sensing what’s going on and using your intuition, but feelings – the meaning part – you can’t always trust as truth.

Sometimes we assign meaning to emotions and that meaning isn’t true. It’s an UH-OH experience, based on previous programming and conditioning.

That’s when we can use Wise Mind to analyze and balance our beliefs and thoughts around emotions. One of the primary questions I like to ask about beliefs, thoughts, and feelings is: “Is that true?”

One example is during my bouts of depression, when my brain tells me and I “feel” like “my life doesn’t matter.” Is that true? Absolutely not. It’s old programming that I’m working with and slowly allowing to move through me.

Beware of Explosions

an airplane coming in for a landing
Just a big ol’ metal tube of farts

Have you ever held in a fart? Plane rides do it to me every time. Nothing builds up fart bubbles in my system like getting on a plane for several hours.

Sure, I try to let them leak out over the course of the flight, but sometimes I just know that they’re going to be TOO loud or stinky or whatever.

(And side note: everyone farts on airplanes. They are literal metal tubes of farts. I STILL wear masks on planes for this very reason.)

So by the time I can get off the plane, the air fairly EXPLODES from my innards in whooshes of relief. My southern cheeks are like hands clapping in delight and relief.

Same with emotions. If you don’t let them out, they will gather up and then – you guessed it – explode. This was once a way of life for me before I went through PTSD Remediation.

The Inspirational Fart Video

Yes, I AM this hilarious in real life. Want help? Let’s chat, it’s free.

About Trauma, PTSD & Grief Recovery Coaching

Four Truths About Thriving in Trauma Recovery | Map Your Healing Journey

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Appointments are offered in-person and online.

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kellywilsonwrites

27 Nov, 2023

Blog

This is NOT a Black Friday ad or even a Cyber Monday ad by the time you get this…BUT this announcement DOES have incredible information about the upcoming small group, Trauma & Grief Writing: Own Your Story.

Me in 2017, days before I went to the writing group, dealing with a lot of HEAVY STUFF.

I remember the first time I went to a writing group that was especially for writing and sharing DEEP STUFF.

I…felt…terrified!

AND excited! (Did you know that physiologically, the body feels “anxiety” and “nervous” and “terrified” the same way? Sometimes it’s how you frame it).

But mostly I felt terrified.

Would my writing be “good” or “sophisticated” enough? Would people like me? Do I even have “a story”? Are my stories even “trauma” and “grief”? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, ANYWAY? Will people laugh at me? Will they be nice? Will they already know each other and leave me out? What if? What if? What if?

Yeah. Yep. A lot of thoughts and Big Feelings.

Own Your Story or It Owns You

The thing about trauma and grief is that it makes itself known.

Even if you’ve decided that you are “done processing this stuff.” (I’ve tried this)

Even if you’ve chosen to “leave it in the past.” (I’ve tried this)

Even if you believe that you can “think your way out of the trauma.” (I have also tried this)

Or even if you think that “nobody wants to hear this” or “I don’t need to say this out loud.” (Yep, I’ve done this, too)

Trauma and grief show up. Full stop.

They show up in PTSD symptoms and relationships and in the turning of the seasons. They show up in how lonely we feel and in habits and behaviors that we don’t want but can’t stop and the depression that seems to pop up out of nowhere. They show up in how we go about our business every day of our lives, until we decide to change them.

Trauma & Grief Need a Witness

The body remembers. The nervous system remembers. The brain remembers.

And they want to heal.

One way to move forward in this recovery process is to be witnessed by others. To show others our stories, our wounds, our scars, our fears…

Our WORDS.

Our words of truth and pain and injustice and joy and redemption.

And more.

I found out how wonderful this process is back in 2017, when I first experienced it myself.

Save Your Spot for Trauma & Grief Writing Group

Own your story a word at a time with a small group (no more than 6), writing and sharing virtually during one writing day each month. Safe, supportive, and vulnerable environment. No previous writing experience needed.

When? Jan 6, Feb 3, Mar 2, April 6, May 4, June 1, from 10 am to 12:30 pm PST

Cost? $349

A $50 deposit holds your spot. The balance ($299) can be paid in one or multiple payments, starting in January 2024.

Do these steps in any order!

1. Please take a look at this group’s Policies & Procedures.

2. Take a look at the Questionnaire and fill it out

3. Pay the $50 deposit here!

Questions? Email kelly@mapyourhealing.com!

Latest Posts

Try Trauma Recovery & Grief Recovery Coaching

Four Truths About Thriving in Trauma Recovery | Map Your Healing Journey

Sign up here to get a free copy of Five Things Every Trauma Survivor Needs to Know AND

61 Tips About the Grief Experience.

Find out more about Trauma and Grief Recovery Coaching

I offer one-on-one sessions, groups, PTSD Remediation, and classes. Appointments are offered in-person and online.

Try Trauma Recovery and Grief Recovery Coaching for Free! Book a free 30-minute Discovery Call to find out more!