Strategies to Conquer Mother's Day as an Abuse Survivor

kellywilsonwrites

4 May, 2023

Mother’s Day can be tricky for trauma survivors, especially. Often we experienced abuse at the hands of our parents, and have a lot of Big Feelings about celebrating on this day. Here are some resources with ideas to consider when thinking about what to do about Mother’s Day.

Free Mother’s Day Grief Workshops

NEXT WEEK, David Kessler is offering two free workshops for those of us (me included) who experience with Mother’s Day grief. The first one is when you’re grieving your mom (from death or estrangement) and the second one is when you’re a mother who is grieving the death of a child. Sign up for one or both. Follow this link for more information.

Making A Mother’s Day Plan

If you are dreading Mother’s Day, the following post might help. One of the ways to manage ourselves and PTSD triggers during Mother’s Day is to make a self-care plan. Here’s an example that might help.

Making Mother’s Day a Peaceful Holiday

Here’s another post that talks about how I made a helpful three-step acronym to remember as Mother’s Day dawns: AGH! Also, there are more planning ideas and a couple of ways to ground yourself as needed throughout the day.

How to Make It Through Mother’s Day

Honor your emotional landmines around Mother’s Day by considering how we can honor our parents as abuse survivors. This might be triggering even as an idea, or it might be helpful. Either way, go gently.

Honoring an Estranged Mother on Mother’s Day

Wherever you are at in this journey, I wish you a peaceful day.

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When Family Members Don't Believe Your Abuse

kellywilsonwrites

30 Apr, 2023

April is Sexual Assault & Abuse Awareness Month. As a childhood sexual abuse survivor, I am committed to helping those who have been victimized. Part of this commitment is fostering awareness and education.

During the month of April, I will publish one blog post each week spotlighting an aspect of sexual abuse and assault recovery that is important to me personally.

I wrote this piece in 2015, when I first found out about how family members felt about my abuse experiences.

**********

When people ask me about my family, I say that I am an orphan.

It’s technically not true, but this is definitely easier to say than, “Well, I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse at the hands of my father and I told my mother and she ended up choosing him over me and so I was on my own at 17 and then in 2007 in my journey of recovery I broke ties with basically everyone in my family and still somehow everything is my fault according to them.”

THAT is why, when someone asks if my parents live in town, I simply state that I am an orphan with no siblings.

The extended family I grew up with is hearty, Oklahoma farming stock, which means that there are a million family members. My grandmother was one of 13 kids, and I have not seen any of my extended relations in about 20 years. I do, however, stay in contact with one of my cousins who does not blame me for everything and consistently shows me support and love. She will occasionally send me news of extended family members.

The latest message was that an extended family member had had a minor stroke.

Recently, I ran across the email my cousin had sent, which said, “This extended family member had a minor stroke and so-and-so is taking care of her. Everything appears to be fine. I wasn’t sure whether or not you would want to know since she NEVER BELIEVED THAT YOU WERE ABUSED. But I pass on the information just in case.”

Not Believing Abuse is a Thing?

Those capitalized words were provided by my cousin, not by me, and they accurately communicate both her outrage and my surprise regarding this issue. My honest first reaction was, “People don’t believe that I was abused? Not believing survivors of abuse is a thing?”

Rationally and intellectually, I know that hundreds of victims of sexual abuse and assault are not believed every single day. These despicable acts are covered up and victims are shamed into silence, and many never see the light of day. Survivors often languish, receiving little in the way of validation or justice. I know all of that in my head.

But emotionally, her disbelief punched me in the gut. After my initial surprise, I couldn’t breathe for a couple of beats. I have to be honest when I say that my second reaction was, “Well then, I guess you can go to hell, extended family member.” I was completely serious, and it scared me a little bit, and I felt like I was emotionally doubled over from the hit.

I found myself thinking about her disbelief about my abuse for a couple of days after that, which also surprised me. I’ve been on this recovery journey in one way or another for about twenty years, and like I talk about in Caskets From Costco, I must believe that there is some end point. I expect that there is a point at which I will simply be “done,” and anything that anybody does or says will no longer effect me.

What (Dis)Belief in Abuse Reveals

Rationally, I know that I will never be “done.” I’m okay with that. I get that while I can anticipate many PTSD triggers and simply confusing or distressing interactions or situations, I will not be able to protect myself from everything all of the time. But the feelings and thoughts that came up in this situation simmered for a few days in the back of my mind, not showing themselves until I was at breakfast with a friend and felt uncommonly angry.

Pleased that I had recognized this emotion for what it was, I started to at least try to pin down the source. We talked and all of a sudden the exchange with my cousin tumbled out about how my abuse was not believed by this extended family member.

“It completely surprised me,” I said to my friend. “I didn’t even think about people not believing me.”

“If she believed you, then that would raise a lot of questions for her, wouldn’t it?” my friend asked. “She would be confronted with quite a few questions, like was she aware of it? Could she have done anything to help? And then she would have a few questions for your mom, like did she know what was going on? What does your mom say about your abuse and your lives during that time?”

I nodded. “They’re not going to talk about any of that.”

“No way,” my friend said. “Then they would have to take responsibility and feel tough emotions and tell the truth. And then everything could not possibly be your fault any more.”

What My Response Reveals About Me

Well, it’s not my fault. I know that, for sure. I felt surprised, confused, angry, and even you-can-go-to-hell-hurt, but this is not on me.

Which is good to know, after a lifetime of taking responsibility for my own abuse until a few short years ago.

And I’m strong, probably stronger than I’ve ever been. While I felt intense emotions, the situation did not instantly result in a PTSD event, nor did it culminate in a PTSD event. THAT is recovery.

So if someone doesn’t believe your abuse, guess what?

It doesn’t matter.

You matter, your healing and recovery and continued hope.

Only YOU.

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Download These Free Mental Health Worksheets and More

kellywilsonwrites

26 Apr, 2023

Recently, a client asked me for downloadable mental health worksheets.

“Any specific area of interest?” I asked.
“Not really,” they said. “I’d like information and inspiration that I can print out and hang up to remind me about what I’m working on.”

Such a great idea! Especially since it takes 1,500 repetitions to really learn something. Trauma and grief recovery is slow-slow-slow life-changing work. Every step forward is valuable.

A Place for Mental Health Reminders

In fact, this request for mental health worksheets reminded me that I have my own places for reminders, including the refrigerator door and a giant bulletin board in our dining room. Here, we put all kinds of stuff: quotes, pictures, stickers, directions for what we want to change, and more.

We also have a couple of strategically-placed white boards – man, I love a good white board. My most-utilized white board is in the kitchen, as I am in that room several times a day (LOL). Lately, I have reminders for the Four Agreements, grounding exercises, and house projects (these never end).

With a white board and/or bulletin board, you can change things up as needed, and see it all on a regular basis.

Free Mental Health Worksheets

Exploring on your own is invaluable. The work that we do together is one hour a week out of 168 total hours. That’s just not a lot of time.

Plus, it’s not like you will only have questions and emotions and other stuff bubbling up during that one hour a week that we work together. So I say, the more resources, the better.

Here are some free downloadable mental health worksheet resources that I found! I put them in order of how overwhelming they could get (at least for me).

Ineffable Living – I like this one because there’s a list of subjects that’s easy to navigate. Each subject is limited to one download, which helps keep us from an endless, triggering rabbit trail.

Get Self Help UK is a great resource for CBT skills that are presented in a visual way. One of my favorite skills is STOPP. Working on the STOP – creating a pause before reacting or responding – is an INVALUABLE skill.

Mind Remake Project has a list of 50 free mental health worksheets and handouts on a variety of subjects.

This resource is what I call Deep in the Weeds, meaning you can explore and rabbit trail to your heart’s content. Mental Health @ Home has A LOT of information, resources, downloads, quotes, and more in their Mental Health Coping Toolkit.

And even DEEPER in the Weeds – Mind Remake Project has a list of more than 200 sites with free mental health worksheets and handouts.

Have fun!

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Honoring an Estranged Mother on Mother’s Day

kellywilsonwrites

26 Apr, 2023

Mother’s Day is a tough one for me. A day of emotional landmines.

I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse by my father. When I was 16, I disclosed this to my mother through a series of truly unfortunate events (details can be found in Caskets From Costco). We pursued legal action, and nothing happened — meaning, he was not convicted or trialed or jailed or anything like that.

A few months later, through another series of unfortunate events, he showed up at our home. My mother took him back, over my protests. A few weeks after that, he walked away, got a divorce from my mother, and married somebody else. I no longer have a relationship with many family members, including him and my mother. So, yeah. Mother’s Day can be pretty rocky for me.

This particular holiday was a bit easier when my kids were younger and I was with their dad, but honestly, not *much* easier. Now the kids are upper teens/early twenties and moving on in their own lives — as they should — and Empty Nest has settled in.

With Mother’s Day, there’s more grief than celebration. And this might be where you’re at, too.

Honoring an Estranged Mother on Mother’s Day

In the cluster that was 2020, as the pandemic/quarantine had set in — I wrote this in my journal, based on this quote pictured here by Xavier Dagba.

One of the best ways you will ever honor your mother, is by committing to heal the wounds that you carry, that she couldn't heal in herself, and passed on to you by default.
~Xavier Dagba

Yesterday was a f*ck*ry of emotion. Even that is a sign of healing, having and expressing emotions, no matter how messy.

First I would not see my abusive father (court order 28 years ago), then my mother, a decade later. I found “Honor thy father and mother” confusing, to say the least. Upsetting, short-sighted, legalistic. Worth questioning.

I honor my mother (and father) today by seeing her wounds as separate from my worth. By having compassion for her humanness without needing excuses. For seeing her in the darkness as well as in the light, as some truths can only be seen in the dark.

Through honoring her, I honor my ancestors. Their pain, their wounds, passed down and down and down to me, to be healed.

I honor myself by acknowledging my own humanness, as a first-wife and a mother. Seeing my mistakes and my successes as the mother I was afraid I would never be — loving, nurturing, honest, authentic, fierce. Also wounded, traumatized, struggling, stuck, and then moving forward.

Last night I watched After Life, and a character said (paraphrasing), “I don’t want to go back and do anything over again, even the mistakes, as they inevitably led to something better.”

I honor my children by being willing to see their experiences and feelings through their eyes, to listen and talk openly, to apologize when needed. To encourage them to feel and grow and LIVE and LOVE and heal. To try my best to teach them what to look for in the darkness.

Yesterday was a f*ck*ry of emotion, yes.

A cleaning out, a preparation, to see the truth in all its wildness.

**********

Wishing you a peaceful Happy Mother’s Day

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Paradoxes When Recovering From Sexual Abuse

kellywilsonwrites

24 Apr, 2023

During the month of April, I will publish one blog post each week spotlighting an aspect of sexual abuse and assault recovery that is important to me personally.

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Sexual abuse recovery is the process by which survivors try to find their “normal.” Growing up with alcoholic and abusive parents, I don’t want to “recover” my past; rather, I want to find out who I am aside from the trauma that I have experienced.

I spent twenty years hiding from the process of recovery. There are five stages of grief, and I determined to move through those stages as quickly as possible. Wanting to “be done with my past” and the resulting post traumatic stress disorder, depression, and anxiety, I told myself that I was finished with grieving that part of my life.

This was a lie.

Once I stopped hiding and running from the trauma and all of the associated consequences, I started to discover my own “normal.” I may never be finished in this process, and that is now perfectly okay with me. The lessons that I am continually learning provide what I believe true recovery is: peace, healing, and hope. Here are my five revealing paradoxes discovered during my journey through abuse recovery.

Rest to Move Forward

People with post traumatic stress disorder do not “rest.” The hypervigilance that is part of this brain disorder leaves me gritting my teeth and constantly overwhelmed by sights, sounds, and other stimuli. I even grind my teeth in my sleep.

However, there is no moving forward in this healing process without learning how to rest.

When we sleep, our brains and bodies process valuable information; the abuse recovery process is similar. The body and soul need time to regroup. Emotions need to run their course and the psyche needs time to heal up. Skin has to thicken and lessons need to be learned.

The best way to keep moving down recovery road is to take a break, just like using the bathroom or stretching your legs on a real-life road trip.

Stay Still to Make Progress

Staying still is different than resting for me.

A woman stands in sunset light with hand on her heart and eyes closed

I recently took a mindfulness meditation class, which kind of freaked me out. Mindfulness meditation is all about disconnecting with the world and reconnecting with your body, mind, emotions, and soul. What was freaky was that post traumatic stress disorder also has an dissociative element, which separates the brain from trauma to aid in survival.

It took me a few weeks of meditation to start feeling comfortable with the idea of disconnecting to reconnect, of being still in order to make progress in my own healing. I had to really work through the idea that my choosing to disconnect was not harmful, but actually really beneficial for my recovery.

Scars Can Be Reopened

I’m proud of my scars. I have several. A couple of them testify to c-sections and a hysterectomy, One reminds me that I stood up to a mean kid and got hit by a rock, leading to stitches in my forehead. Others remind me of accidents and adventures that I lived through.

The difference between physical and emotional scars is that the emotional scars can be reopened. Physical scars are pretty much sealed up; I don’t feel pain from my c-sections in that scar. However, just because I am well on my way to abuse recovery doesn’t mean I will no longer feel emotional pain about my experiences.

Listen to Your Anger

Anger tends to be a very uncomfortable emotion for survivors of abuse, especially when post traumatic stress disorder is involved. Another person’s rage probably resulted in our trauma. We weren’t allowed to have feelings at all, much less emotions like anger. It has taken me years to identify and name feelings as they happen, much less learn how to process and talk about them.

In a recent PTSD support group meeting, our facilitator said, “Listen to your anger. It has valuable things to tell you.” This idea blew my mind. Don’t shove the anger down, or ignore it, or vent it. Don’t run away from it, or be afraid of it, or hide from it. Listen to your anger. This is way out of my comfort zone, but I’m starting to try it, and the process is amazing.

Let Go to Stay Sane

This form of letting go is far from the forgetting I tried to do in my past about my trauma. The processing and work that goes along with abuse recovery is hard work. We do not have time or space in our heads or hearts for unnecessary burdens.

I was saddened recently about the loss of somebody I had thought was a friend. I blamed myself and decided that she hated me. A wise mentor in my life stopped me cold, telling me, “She doesn’t hate you. And sometimes you just need to lay a burden down. It didn’t work out. Lay it down.”

The process hurt, but not for long – certainly not as long as I would have beaten myself up over the situation in the past. I listened and thought about it, I accepted the truth and felt the pain. I felt a feeling that I had a hard time identifying at first.

Freedom.

*This article previously appeared here.

**For 24/7 help for sexual abuse and assault, contact RAINN by phone or chat here.