TW: How the Church Shames Sexual Abuse Survivors

kellywilsonwrites

17 Apr, 2023

TRIGGER WARNING BELOW.

April is Sexual Assault & Abuse Awareness Month. As a childhood sexual abuse survivor, I am committed to helping those who have been victimized. Part of this commitment is fostering awareness and education.

During the month of April, I will publish one blog post each week spotlighting an aspect of sexual abuse and assault recovery that is important to me personally.

TRIGGER WARNING ON THIS POST! This particular blog post has a lot of Big Feelings. I KNOW THAT A LOT OF READERS HAVE VARIOUS EXPERIENCES WITH THE CHURCH, ALL ALONG A SPECTRUM FROM POSITIVE TO NEGATIVE. PLEASE READ CAREFULLY.

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My friend’s name is Martha. She is a composite of several church women I have known over the years who have experienced the church’s acceptance of abuse. Women who have been blamed and criticized and judged for trying to stay safe and sane.

Who have been ostracized for trying to protect their children and themselves.

Who have been called unforgiving and, yes, possessed by Satan.

The church is set up for the protection of abusers using a unique mix of sexism, guilt, and shame. I was 14 years old before I began attending church. It was because of a boy, and I didn’t know any of the vocabulary. I didn’t know what a pastor was or what communion stood for or what went on in youth group.

I was 40 years old when I broke up with church in January, 2015. That’s 26 years of learned vocabulary, unspoken rules, experiences with sexism, and service in a community that I deeply loved. Churches are special places, like families, and — true to the comparison — can be rife with abuse.

A Special Kind of Victim-Shaming

Case in point: my friend, Martha. Pick your abuse — I’ve seen them all in the walls of the church. A woman could be molested or sexually assaulted by a church elder or pastor. It could be that her husband has been physically and emotionally abusing her. Or that he has had one or multiple affairs. Maybe he embezzled money or has a secret gambling addiction and now the family is bankrupt. Perhaps he is addicted to porn or alcohol or has a drug problem. Maybe he was even abusing children.

All of this happens in the church, because the church (theoretically) accepts all people. However, the church is not prepared to deal with the fallout from this behavior, which leads to a unique type of victim-shaming. When rape, abuse, or addiction (or whatever) comes to light, the blame automatically falls to the victim. People ask the following questions:

What were you wearing? Was it modest enough?
Why didn’t you stop it?
Were you drinking?
How did you encourage him?
Where were you?
Why didn’t you tell someone earlier?
Why did you stay?
Didn’t you pray about it?

The one comment that most fills me with rage is, “I know that you aren’t right with God, because otherwise this would not have happened to you.”

How is abuse the victim’s fault, exactly? Oh yeah, it’s NOT. These comments and questions are focused on the wrong person.

Church: You Have to Forgive…Now

Church is all about forgiveness. I get it, I was part of the church for 25 years. Forgiveness is the foundation for salvation.

When abuse, rape, or addiction come to light, the victims have one word shoved down their throats: FORGIVE. The focus is once again put on shaming the victims, with a variety of comments and questions:

Why does he have to leave? Where will he go?
You are being unreasonable. This isn’t fair.
God is all about second chances. Doesn’t he deserve a second chance?
Think of the children.
But he’s obviously in pain. He needs help.
Jesus forgave us, so you have to forgive this person.

Here’s the thing — grace requires a change of heart. Changes of heart are shown through behavior. If you pet a dog and he bit you, would you keep petting the dog in the name of forgiveness? Even when the dog continued to bite you?

That doesn’t make any sense.

It is a myth that destabilized families tear up a community. The community exists in order to help destabilized families, not tear victims apart. In addition to tearing down victims who are already dealing with traumatic situations, the church doesn’t want to take part in helping women and families. The victims of abuse and addiction are expected to keep petting dogs that bite — who’s going to take the dogs? The church? I wouldn’t bet on it.

Let Go and Let God

Women are not supposed to take action, to speak and stand up for themselves, especially in the church. They are to have Mother’s Day Teas and worship nights where they eat salads and maybe some desserts. They serve in the nursery or work with the school age kids in the children’s church programs. They sing in the church choir and maybe on the worship team if they are sharply dressed but not too sharp on the high notes.

We’re supposed to sit down, shut up, keep the kids quiet, be good hostesses, and pray. We need to, “Let go and let God.”

Let go and let God do what, exactly?

The implication is that what I am doing or thinking or feeling is not good enough. The validity of my actions or thoughts or emotions is not even taken under consideration. Somehow Martha has brought this situation on herself and needs to be better. Somehow women who have been victimized are supposed to “let go” (read: forget it) and “let God” (read: shut up about it) so that we can all stay comfortable and not have to talk about abusers and what to do about them.

There is a fundamental disconnect in the church regarding people who are victimized, those who victimize others, and what is required to simply be a decent human being in response. Instead of reflection and thought, there is placing blame and then the demand for forgiveness, and that’s if the situations come to light at all. The cognitive dissonance that is necessary regarding God’s reconciliation and redemption and abusers and our larger communities simply does not exist.

Church: A Sanctuary for Abusers?

The church prides itself on being of the world but not in the world. This is an institution built around a man who dared men who had not sinned to throw the first stone at a woman instead of calling her a slut. The man who had a conversation with a shady woman at a well instead of calling her a whore. The man who appeared to value women as people first, regardless of what the culture said.

The church needs to reflect this kind of grace, offering a safe space for women who are in crisis and recovering from abuse. To be above providing nothing to victims of abuse but heavy doses of guilt. To stop shaming victims, and instead provide practical and spiritual assistance.

Those who strive to be “of the world but not in it” may be surprised to note that simply not victim-shaming can put them way ahead of the cultural curve.

*For 24/7 help for sexual abuse and assault, contact RAINN by phone or chat here.

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What the Drama Triangle Teaches Us About Relationships

kellywilsonwrites

12 Apr, 2023

The Drama Triangle. Ugh. But good.

When I first took a look at the Drama Triangle, I found it triggering. I had a particular aversion to the word, “victim,” though.

A white triangle street sign with a red border and three curved arrows pointing at each other in a circle

Most of the “triggering” part was shame. I worked through it and realized that we’ve all played parts in the triangle. The Drama Triangle is simply an observational model that shows patterns that we have experienced and can experience in dysfunctional relationships of all kinds, from family situations to the workplace and beyond.

The Drama Triangle was developed by Stephen Karpman in the 1960s. To put it simply, there are three roles: Persecutor, Victim, and Rescuer. In each situation where the Drama Triangle plays out, each person can (and often does) play different roles.

If you were raised in an abusive or alcoholic or dysfunctional family, these roles will look very familiar. The good news is that – slowly and consistently – we CAN change these patterns. One way to do this is to apply the alternative model, The Empowerment Dynamic.

Here are valuable resources to help explain the Drama Triangle and how it plays out, along with strategies to work your way out of your own Drama Triangles.

Like all trauma work, this is slow, slow, slow and worth it. Go easy on yourself as you explore this information.

Intro to the Drama Triangle

This is an excellent (dare I say, fun?) intro to the Drama Triangle.

Here is a more in-depth look at the different roles in this article, which states:

While studying the way people interact, Karpman realised that each of us has a “script” for the story that we live out in our lives.

He called these stories, “life narratives.”

And he said that if we can explore and understand these narratives, and their scripts, they will help us understand the dynamics that play out in long-term relationships, as well as interactions in the moment.

Karpman’s Drama Triangle explains that we behave in ways that enable our scripts…
https://www.mygrow.me/the-drama-triangle/

Read more of this article here ~

A Little Bit More Info

This video focuses on the workplace, which can provide a bit of space to understand how the roles play out without getting into more personal family dynamics. This guy speeds through it, though – it might take a few views to get what he’s saying.

Breaking Out of the Drama Triangle is a more concise and helpful article, with an acronym (FOG) to help stay focused in Drama Triangle situations. Here’s a quote:

Here are some steps to take to avoid contributing to unhealthy interactions with others:

Realize that you are repeating a pattern. Stand back and observe your pattern. Most likely you are being triggered in some way, or manipulated by someone close to you. In order to change the pattern, you need first to identify it. Once you are aware of your part, play a different tune. Sing a new song. Don’t do the same thing you have always done. Take a contrary action.
https://psychcentral.com/pro/recovery-expert/2016/01/breaking-out-of-the-drama-triangle#3

There are six more steps to consider in the article, found here.

A Lot More Info

You can go pretty deep into Drama Triangle dynamics. For example, this video covers how trauma (and specifically codependency) factors in with the Drama Triangle, which can apply to those of us doing trauma recovery work.

While going through this information, keep in mind that the only person you can change is…yourself. Diving into the Empowerment Dynamic can help make that happen.

Here’s a quote from the article:

is the complete opposite of the Drama Triangle.

The interdependence between the roles, rather than unhealthy with scripts that keep the characters stuck in their roles, introduces healthy scripts that invite the characters to embrace a positive dynamic.

TED introduces a positive approach to life’s challenges.
https://www.mygrow.me/the-empowerment-dynamic/

In addition to the article above (found here), The Empowerment Dynamic offers the following cheat sheet:

Drama-Triangle-Cheat-Sheet Download

Deep in the Weeds of Karpman’s Process

Okay, for those of you who want a rabbit trail to end all rabbit trails about this subject, read on…

When I was in college, there was a music professor who was a legit genius. I mean LEGIT.

He rode a bike all the time, before it was A Thing. When riding this bike, he put his stuff in the front basket and wore a bright yellow poncho. When we saw him around town, students would sing the Bad Witch tune from The Wizard of Oz (yes, we were 20-something A-holes in the mid-1990s).

One of the things that blew all our minds when sitting in class was that he would be giving a brilliant lecture and then…he would just…FART.

Sometimes more than once. Out in the open. Zero acknowledgement.

When this first happened, we would look around at each other, silently asking, “Did that just happen?” while stifling giggles. We waited for embarrassment or chagrin or *something.*

Nope, nothing. Just a farting genius.

So when I say “Deep in the Woods of Karpman’s Process,” I think he was a genius like this who farted whenever he wanted and gave no effs what anyone thought.

You can access Karpman’s Drama Triangle (et al) document here.

Resources

There are a couple of highly rated resources out there in paperback, kindle, and audio book formats.

The first one is The Power of Ted. Here’s part of the description:

As you walk with David, the main character, he shares how he is feeling victimized by life. Through serendipity he meets some wise guides, Ted and Sophia, who show David how he can move from feeling like a Victim to being a Creator of his own life. The Power of TED* offers a powerful alternative to the Karpman Drama Triangle with its roles of Victim, Persecutor, and Rescuer. The Empowerment Dynamic (TED) provides the antidote roles of Creator, Challenger and Coach and a more positive approach to life’s challenges. The teaching story provides a guide for learning and growing through the challenges we all face in our lives.
Amazon

Another favorite is Drama Free. Here’s part of the description:

In this empowering guide, licensed therapist and bestselling relationship expert Nedra Glover Tawwab offers clear advice for identifying dysfunctional family patterns and choosing the best path to breaking the cycle and moving forward. Covering topics ranging from the trauma of emotional neglect, to the legacy of addicted or absent parents, to mental health struggles in siblings and other relatives, and more, this clear and compassionate guide will help you take control of your own life—and honor the person you truly are.
Amazon

I bought both of them, and they read to me like great companions, with the same focus with different angles.

Any other helpful resources about The Drama Triangle? Let me know here by email or through the provided form.

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Sexual Abuse and Victim Blaming Culture

kellywilsonwrites

10 Apr, 2023

During the month of April, I will publish one blog post each week spotlighting an aspect of sexual abuse and assault recovery that is important to me personally.

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I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I have only said this out loud since 2016.

I am 48 years old. I have been in counseling off and on since the age of 17, and I have been with my current counselor for the last sixteen years.

I struggled for years to say out loud, “I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.”

Why? “The Flinch.”

Every time I say this out loud to someone in the course of conversation, the response is always a mental – and sometimes physical – flinch. I can see the brain of the other person recoil in disgust.

It is difficult for me to not take that disgust personally, especially since in our culture we are fond of holding victims responsible for the horrible abuse that they have suffered at the hands of another person, whether a family member or stranger. Foundational to our way of life is the cultural and personal psychology of victim shaming, the absolute refusal on all levels to hold perpetrators responsible for their actions.

Take for a moment our language. In cases of sexual assault, onlookers will claim that “she was asking for it” and blame her hairstyle or makeup or clothing or claim that she had been drinking. With domestic violence, we passively point out that, “Mary was beaten” instead of “John beat Mary up.” We ask, “Why don’t you leave?” We are asking the wrong question. We should be asking, “Why won’t the abuser stop abusive behaviors?

And in my particular case, family members will simply call you a liar and refuse to believe that the abuse happened at all.

Why do we participate in victim shaming in our culture? Why do we refuse to hold perpetrators responsible?

Victim Blaming is a Cultural Problem

A story broke out of Los Angeles in which a prominent school and their army of lawyers blamed an abuse survivor for the actions of her abuser. Marlborough, the all-girls private school, contended that a woman now suing for emotional, psychological, and sexual abuse she suffered for years at the hands of her English teacher is her fault. Not only that, they claim that she is to blame for not speaking up soon enough, as if the behavior of her perpetrator is somehow her responsibility.

Victim shaming of this magnitude requires an entire community (and, apparently, an absence of a soul).

Spotlight, the 2016 Oscar-winning film about sexual abuse and the church, showcases how an entire team of of Pulitzer Prize-winning journalists were required to expose the rampant sexual abuse of children by Catholic priests, along with the cover-ups by entire communities, specifically Boston. Meredith Goldstein writes, “…[Spotlight] was about an entire community that became complicit — from law enforcement to parents of victims to the newspaper itself. The question was no longer why it took 34 years to remove Geoghan from his post. It was: Why did so many people — including The Boston Globe, which covered these abuse cases piecemeal — not notice the greater trend and question how much the Catholic Church knew about the systemic problem?”

Like a flu virus, the silence and shame and blame crawls from one person to another, and pretty soon, we are all complicit in shaming victims instead of holding perpetrators responsible.

Victim Blaming is Our Problem

Victim shaming is also, ironically, my problem. My mother, who was complicit in my sexual abuse, was also a victim of domestic violence and abuse. For years after I got out of that nightmare and started my own healing journey, I asked over and over, “Why didn’t she leave?”

While I do hold her responsible for her own actions, I am not proud of this question. Why was it so easy for me to ask this about her, and so much harder to say, “Why did my father do such terrible things, not just to me but to her?”

When it comes down to it, assault, abuse and domestic violence are yucky, hence The Flinch that I experience from others when I talk about it. I am learning more and more not to take this personally, because I think we need to feel uncomfortable with these subjects.

And we need to use this discomfort to spur us into action. Some reasons for The Flinch and for our personal and cultural tendencies toward victim shaming have to do with what we want to believe.

It Won’t Happen to Me – If we refuse to talk about the problem, we can feel secure for a little bit longer in the belief that it won’t happen to us or to those we love.
I Don’t Know Abuse When I See It – If I remain uneducated or ignore the signs of abuse, I don’t have to get involved in a yucky situation.
I Don’t Want to Hear About Abuse – 1 in 4 women you encounter have been sexually abused or assaulted. If you are willing to listen and talk about this issue, you may be the one person who helps one of these women.
If I Believe You, Then I Am Responsible – I recently found out that many extended family members do not believe that I was abused. After a long, long time of processing through the idea of blaming a child for being sexually abused by her father, I decided that their response wasn’t about me.

They didn’t want to see the truth, because then they would have to be honest and transparent and ask hard questions. They would have to bear some of the responsibility, as a community who were first complicit and then covered up the truth.

We can do better. We can place blame and responsibility for abuse on the people who deserve that burden: the perpetrators, not the victims.

*This article first appeared here

***For 24/7 help for sexual abuse and assault, contact RAINN by phone or chat here.

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Best Things To Do When a Child Discloses Sexual Abuse

kellywilsonwrites

3 Apr, 2023

During the month of April, I will publish one blog post each week spotlighting an aspect of sexual abuse and assault recovery that is important to me personally.

This post is especially timely, as older school age kids are studying health in the spring. Often when going through this curriculum, they realize that they have been abused and disclose this information to trusted adults. This is an intense and heartbreaking experience, but there is hope and healing.

Here are four of the best things to do when a child discloses sexual abuse or assault.

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“How could I not have known that my child was sexually abused?” my friend Max* asked me.

We sat hunched over a table during happy hour in our favorite restaurant, the conversation anything but happy. I had known Max since our college days, the time period during which I disclosed that I had been sexually abused as a child. After his daughter, Olivia*, disclosed that she had been abused several years before, Max called and asked if we could meet.

This was my personal nightmare. I had known Olivia her whole life. As a survivor, I knew what to look for regarding whether kids may have been victimized. I had detected nothing. Later, I learned that up to 40% of children who have been sexually victimized show no signs at all.

“Will you help us?” he asked, his voice hollow, his eyes glazed over with shock.

I nodded. “Of course.”

Statistics of Child Sexual Abuse

This issue is too important to ignore. And while I have experienced “The Flinch” over and over again as I advocate for the health and well being of child abuse survivors, I didn’t want this experience for Olivia. I don’t want this for any child.

Evidence shows that you probably know a child who has been sexually abused. Estimates show as many as one in three girls and one in six boys are sexually victimized before they reach 17 years of age. To complicate matters, most children never disclose. Estimates are that as many as 90% of child sexual abuse cases go unreported.

The problem is huge. Overwhelming. We want to turn away. We think that if we don’t acknowledge the issue of childhood sexual abuse, it can’t happen to us.

But that is not the way life works.

Honor the Shock You Feel

A child disclosing that he was sexually victimized is shocking. There is no way around the shock and denial.

I felt so shocked that I wanted to tell Max that Olivia was lying. I felt terrible about this, mind you, but I desperately wanted her to be lying; I would rather help Max deal with the fallout of her lying than I wanted her to have gone through this trauma, especially as an abuse survivor.

Once Max and I worked through that part of the denial phase, Max lamented that Olivia had not told him about her experiences. This is pretty typical, however. Children who disclose that they have been sexually abused will do so with a trusted friend or adult, but not often a parent. They also won’t have a single, well-documented, coherent story. We remember events as we are when they happen; a six-year-old remembers abuse as a six-year-old. Therefore, memories are disjointed and fuzzy, if they aren’t blocked out because the events were so traumatic.

This is the beginning of a long journey, and the news means that life is different than what you thought it would be. The important action is to simply sit in the shock for a little while, and use it to help you move forward.

Ask for Help

When they disclose, children tend to feel as if they are at fault, that they did something to cause the abuse. As adults, we know this is not true, but children don’t have that luxury. They need to be told that their disclosure was the right thing, especially as you pursue professional help.

Depending on who the child tells, the local Department of Human Services (DHS) may already know about the case. If Olivia had told a teacher, for example, that adult would have to call DHS as teachers are mandatory reporters. Law enforcement is also consulted, working in conjunction with state and county agencies in order to make sure that children are safe.

In Olivia’s case, there was a central county resource whose sole job was to process child sex-abuse cases. They provided medical and psychological evaluation, worked with the authorities assigned to the case and helped in the interviewing process. They also assigned Max’s family a social worker, who helped them to find a therapist who could keep working with Olivia over time.

As this journey unfolds, write down all of your questions and keep asking. Find a therapist that you can trust, not just for your child, but for you as you process through this trauma. You will need all the help you can get.

Take the Child’s Lead

When Max first told me about Olivia, I wanted to grab her by the shoulders and say, “Tell me everything!” This is not a good strategy. The feelings are understandable, but the actions would not help.

Just as each child discloses in her own time, she will continue to tell her story as she needs to. Children have questions or need to work out feelings. Sometimes memories will shatter through the protective walls in their brains.

These nuggets of information can come out during a ride in the car, while snuggling and reading, or while on vacation. The important job of the adults in the lives of children who disclose abuse is to simply take their lead, listening when they share.

Hunker Down and Be Present

This is not an easy situation. I don’t know what’s going to happen to Olivia. Will she have nightmares like I did? Will she have trouble in school or with relationships? What can I do to help her process this event as she grows into an adult?

This is not going to resolve itself in a short time, leaving everyone happy. This is a process with unknowns and questions and tears. And even though I would prefer that this had never happened to her – or any child – I would rather protect and support her the best that I can than to have her never say anything at all.

A New Resource for Parents and Caregivers

The picture of a book cover wit ha purple quilt-like pattern with blue and pink alternating background. Text is The Reflective Journal for Parents and Carers, Supporting Your Child After Sexual Abuse

No matter the age or stage of life, supporting a loved one through a sexual abuse or assault experience is daunting.

There are many feelings, thoughts, old trauma experiences, and grief to process.

As of 2023, this resource has been published to help parents and caregivers support children after they have disclosed sexual abuse or assault.

From the website:

Whether your child has recently disclosed to you at a young age, or you have adult children who were abused in childhood, this book aims to support you as you process your own thoughts, feelings and experiences.
Victim Focus

Go here for more information and to purchase this resource.

*Names and personal information have been changed to protect privacy. Story told with permission.

**This article first appeared here

***For 24/7 help for sexual abuse and assault, contact RAINN by phone or chat here.

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April 3rd: You Can Mask If You Want To

kellywilsonwrites

29 Mar, 2023

In this post, I am going to illustrate just how BIG a dork I am!

Today I was thinking about how, in Oregon, the mask mandate will be lifted on April 3rd. This applies to healthcare facilities, and my office at Centerpointe Therapists qualifies.

My next thought was, “You can mask if you want to.”

Then my *next* thought was the song lyric, “You can dance if you want to…” and this video was born:

LOL. Oh dear.

Yes, I could have typed out the lyrics to the song, but it would *not* have translated. And yes, I *did* have issues with the lyrics in the last half of the video, but I couldn’t say that they weren’t friends of mine!

Here’s the official word:

As a team, my colleagues and I have decided to leave masking up to the individual beginning on April 3rd. If you see me in person and would like to wear a mask, awesome. If you would like to forego a mask, awesome.

Unless there’s snot and sneezing, maybe? If germs are flying, maybe wear one. Also, if you wake up and you are sick and need to cancel, great! Not great that you are sick, but great that you need to stay home and take care of yourself. I will cancel your appointment and we will reschedule.

As always, thank you for being part of this community!

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