The realities of grief are very much on my mind.

At the beginning of the summer, one of my dogs got really sick. Her name was Chloe.

Chloe was almost 11 years old. She was a sweet pitty mix that I’d known for six years, since I started dating the man who is now my husband.

That “One Moment”

In mid- to late- June, Chloe started having some issues. We took her the to vet for bloodwork and x-rays and her numbers were “weird.” We took her to specialists and got an ultrasound: nothing definitive.

The vet told us that her condition could be the result of a few things, from an infection to liver cancer. They gave us a couple of medications and said that she’d either improve or would likely be gone in a month. They said that if she was still with us in 30 days, bring her back for bloodwork.

Over that month, she seemed to improve, and we were optimistic when we took her to the vet.

Despite our best efforts, she had lost 20% of her bodyweight during that month. The results of the bloodwork came back and the numbers were *terrible.*

There it was. That One Moment when everything changes. Right on the paper in black and white. The realization that this was worse than we hoped. That she wasn’t going to be getting better.

And I officially started grieving this huge loss in my life.

There are stark and inescapable realities of grief, but there are also concrete things that we can do to help ourselves while going through the grieving process.

Reality 1: We are Always Grieving

Grieving is part of life, because loss is constant.

In the course of a day, a week, a month, a year, a lifetime, we experience little losses and big losses. And the thing about loss is that they range from the tiniest losses – like seasons changing, a transition that reminds us of the life cycle and brings its own grief – to the biggest losses, like losing a loved one.

As a Grief Recovery Method Specialist, I know that the Grief Recovery Method recognizes more than 40 life events that cause grief, and some of these include:

• Pet loss or death
• Friend loss or death
• Divorce and separation
• Moving residence, job, career
• Job changes, voluntary and lay-offs
• Parenting milestones (kid going to college)
• Pregnancy
• Health changes, in self or loved one
• Death of a loved one
• Starting and ending school
• Leaving church/religion
• Political climate

I present this list not to be a Total Bummer of a person (lol), but to validate that – whether or not we are aware – we are experiencing change and loss that results in BIG emotions and feelings All The Time. And that is how we’re wired to process the world.

Reality 2: Grief Takes Your Logical Brain Offline

To put it simply, the left side of your brain goes offline when you grieve.

What does this mean?

In short, this means that our powers of good and sound judgment are taking a vacation. Our short-term memory and language abilities – including having access to words that are “right on the tip of our tongue” – are bye-bye. Our capacity for daily tasks and regularly scheduled life is way down. And reading, writing, and math are effected, as well.

During a phase of active grief, you might feel “spacey,” lose track of time and tasks, and have difficulty concentrating.

There might be periods throughout a day or a week of feeling overcome with emotions and needing to sit down and have a good cry or move your body or write in your journal or just lie down.

Simply put, this is NOT the time to make a bunch of long-term (or short-term, for that matter) plans or important decisions. The left side of your brain is out to lunch and will be back soon.

Reality 3: Grief Results in Unexpected Emotions

For whatever reasons I have yet to completely figure out, grocery stores are the WORST when I am grieving.

The day we got the results that Chloe’s bloodwork numbers were terrible, I went on with my day in a daze. And somehow I ended up at the #%*()#$ grocery store.

In the produce section, I heard someone call my name. A colleague of mine from when I was a teacher in the community. We had not seen each other in years.

“How are you?” she asked as she pushed her shopping cart near mine.

“My dog is dying!” I said, and promptly burst into tears.

Part of me was outside of myself, watching this whole scene go down. I WAS MORTIFIED.

She was gracious, and quickly made her exit. I did not blame her, and I hustled myself out of the grocery store.

There were other times of unexpected emotions: picking up a doggy stroller from a neighbor so we could still take Chloe for walks. Going to the dentist. Basically anytime people were nice to me and asked me how I was, I would burst into tears.

This is the way it is for many of us. And this is totally okay.

Reality 4: Take Good Care of Yourself While Grieving

It would be SUPER NICE if grief events happened one at a time and that we could move through each one in a straight line and bing-bang-boom we’re done and move on.

Grief DOES NOT work like this.

My example is that while Chloe was dying, I was helping my youngest prepare to go away to college, one of my best friends moved away, a family friend died, and I had to change jobs (in addition to running my business).

This was A LOT. And I knew it. So I followed my own advice for taking care of myself, which is:

1. Lower Your Expectations – And then lower them some more. Grief requires time, reflection, rest, emotion, and movement, among other things. We simply don’t have the energy to keep a regualr schedule, do a bunch of stuff, or even do what we can typically do in the course of a day PLUS grieve.

2. Make Space for Less Capacity – capacity is the maximum amount that something – or someone – can hold. I think of capacity like a bathtub. There’s only so much water that a bathtub can hold before it all starts to overflow and make a mess. Grief fills our capacity-bathtubs very quickly, leaving little room for much else.

3. Cut Things from Your Calendar – you’re likely not going to be up for it, anyway. People, activities, events – these will likely feel exhausting. Let yourself rest.

4. No Big Decisions – I mentioned this earlier because it bears repeating. Now is not the time to make big, important decisions or plans.

5. Follow the SEEM Acronym – S is for Sleep (or rest), E is for Eating, E is for Exercise, M is for Meds. These are the bare minimum activities for me at any given time.

Reality 5: You Can Take Grieving Breaks

Grieving is exhausting.

Grieving is layered and wonderful and difficult and relieving and strengthening and…exhausting.

One secret I like to share is that we can take breaks from grieving. I’m not exaggerating when I say that I cried almost every single day from the beginning of summer until September 21st (when I dropped my kid off at college).

I got SO TIRED OF CRYING. So during those times when I wasn’t crying, I started to use these as intentional breaks. I didn’t think about what was going on (mental break), I stayed in the present moment (emotional break), I practiced gratitude (emotional break), and I usually cleaned something or went outside and moved my body because it felt good.

The other side of this coin is that this allows us more and shorter amounts of time each day to grieve. This can help keep grief from becoming overwhelming.

Setting time limits during the day for crying, remembering, writing, or any other ways you are processing has really helped me over the years to feel that I have some control as well as make meaning from the changes in my life.

Reality 6: There are Advantages to Openly Grieving

Chloe died on the morning of September 12, 2024. We were with her and we were at home. She did it on her own time and in her own way, just like she did everything else (if you have a stubborn pitty, you know what I mean 😊)

My grief moved from anticipatory grief to concrete (and in my opinion, anticipation is THE WORST).

I did a lot of Making Meaning during this summer, sharing my grief with a lot of people. I realized that following my grief processes this summer with intention helped me a TON in the following ways:

Being Present – In previous grief experiences, I was still fighting cPTSD symptoms. With those now gone, I could concentrate fully on what was happening as it happened.

Giving Myself Grace and Self-Compassion – Giving ourselves grace and compassion is a GAME CHANGER. Throughout this summer, I had *many* opportunities to love myself and show up for myself in this way. Our practice becomes our wisdom.

Experiencing the Full Spectrum of Emotions – A rainbow is made from rain and sunlight, meaning there is no sadness without joy. One of the tough parts about going through complex trauma (especially in childhood) is that we are cut off from our emotions in the service of survival. Reconnecting with ourselves means that we get to learn how to feel and honor ALL of our emotions.

Building More Intimate Relationships – Emotions and feelings are foundational to building healthy relationships. Being open about grief communicates that you are a safe person. We need safe people for authentic relationships.

Finding and Strengthening Your Roots – I love a good affirmation that is created out of my own experiences. Through this summer, I reminded myself of my identity and my roots with this affirmation: “I am rooted in safety. I am rooted in love. I am rooted in Self.” Whenever I felt battered and hopeless and alone and without any anchors, I said my affirmation out loud.

One Last Thing – Grief is a Gift

Yesterday morning, I had a training class and one of my colleagues – a grief counselor – talked about encountering the “stigma of pet loss and grief.”

It stuck with me and brought up a few things.

The first is that I read with VALID :: the suicide session (in honor of World Suicide Prevention Day) on Tuesday night.

It was intense, as one might expect.

And I know that we – as humans – compare our experiences and losses and tragedies, like we compare ourselves against others for so many things.

I was tempted to do this on Tuesday night. “Oh my pain is not as valid because these other people have gone through much worse.”

And I stopped myself and I acknowledged that one of my coping mechanisms was coming up – comparing and minimizing my experiences and pain in service of survival.

We all do this.

What I notice today is that I think about those humans that gathered – Lynne and Aviva and Torrie and Leah and Blue and our people – and I think about –

Their stories and I feel –

*strength*.

Grieving together makes us stronger. Sharing our stories makes us stronger.

The second thing –

We don’t acknowledge pet loss and grief just like we don’t acknowledge other forms and sizes of grief experiences.

Not only is there a “stigma of pet loss and grief,” there’s a stigma around grief, full stop.

What I know is that we experience a bunch of losses and grief *all the time*.

That we don’t acknowledge, respect or process it with the sacredness it deserves makes no difference to grief.

And the third is that investing your heart, time and energy into an animal companion is one of the most worthwhile and healing experiences you can have.

Especially if humans have let you down.

Because skills transfer.

When you build that connection, compassion, curiosity and love with a dog or cat or capybara or snake or or or –

You can transfer those skills to humans.

Most importantly, you can transfer these skills to *yourself*, where they are needed.

Losing that connection is devastating.

And you grieve.

And you come out the other side.

And you are changed for the better.

When you choose to grieve, you are changed for the better.

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