The theme of “I feel like I don’t belong” came up for me THREE times in the course of two days.

That’s a lot.

It got my attention.

I got curious. What does the feeling of not belonging have to do with surviving trauma and/or abuse? What about the grieving process? What specifics in my own life contribute to feeling this way? What do I have in common with others? Can these feelings be reframed, moving forward? What is this about?

Why Trauma Survivors Feel Like They Don’t Belong

If you feel like you don’t belong, you are *not* alone. In fact, you may have felt this way for most of your life. Or maybe there was a time in your life where you felt a sense of belonging, and for one reason or another, something happened that took that feeling away.

Belonging is about connection. Trauma is about disconnection.

Trauma disconnects our bodies from our brains. We become disconnected from our emotions and how to process these physical sensations into feelings and meaning. Abuse and trauma disconnects us from others, impeding our relationships.

For those of us who have experienced lifelong – referred to as “complex” – trauma, we don’t have a reference point for what “belonging” feels like. We imagine what it might feel like, and we long for that sense, but it’s not familiar.

Belonging to A Place

I was in my late-20s before I realized that being an Army brat and moving every three years was unusual.

I was at my 10-year high school reunion. We sat at round tables in a banquet hall, and the slideshow started. Picture after picture of my classmates flashed on the screen. And I noticed that these pictures weren’t of them together in high school, but in junior high and elementary school.

It hit me: These people have been together in this community for their entire lives.

I felt such a deep sense of *not* belonging. I mean, I had gone to nine schools through my school career, lucky to spend all four of my high school years in one school.

On top of that, moving even one time can (and often does) create a deep sense of grief. This often goes unacknowledged, largely because we have been taught to ignore the grieving process in our culture. Now imagine compounding that grief, moving twice, three, four, five, or more times as a child, with zero support regarding how to process it all.

Belonging to a Family

I recently attended a wedding of friends of mine. (Side note: can I just tell you, weddings are *so* emotionally triggering in my life right now).

I noticed at one point, with all of the bustling and giggling and picture taking, some familiar emotions bubbling up from my core. A deep longing for a healthy, happy family legacy. For parents who loved me in healthy ways. For that sense of belonging.

I allowed the emotions to develop for a little while, and observed the thought: “Maybe my friend’s family can be my family. Maybe they will adopt me.” I have wanted to “be adopted” by a friend’s family for *y-e-a-r-s.* To feel that security of always having a place to go and feel safe and accepted and loved. I mean, to always know where you are welcome for Thanksgiving and Christmas and all that, wow!

And there it was, the sense at the wedding, as I watched the photographer take pictures of the family: “I don’t belong.”

This is so common for trauma survivors, especially If you are estranged from family members due to childhood abuse, like me. When I disclosed by childhood sexual abuse by my father, most of my family members turned away, denied, or simply did not believe me. There’s a lot of grief there – we grieve the family we have, and we grieve the family we did not and do not have.

Marvelous Misfits and Cycle Breakers

Here’s the good news, y’all.

We DO belong.

I call us the The Truth Tellers. The Cycle Breakers. The Marvelous Misfits.

First, if you feel like you don’t belong, you are likely a Truth Teller. You may have been the only one in your family system that recognized that what was happening wasn’t right.

In dysfunctional families, there are many roles that we can take to try and maintain a sense of stability. One of these roles is called the Black Sheep. This person is different from the rest of the family, seeing and speaking the truth. The Black Sheep is usually wicked smart, talented, empathic, a deep feeler, and prone to depression and anxiety (two reasonable symptoms in response to the unreasonable circumstances of abuse and neglect).

Family members ostracize and/or ignore the Black Sheep. This compounds the abuse and neglect. I often see the Black Sheep of the family be the people who go to therapy, break cycles of abuse, and tell the truth – loudly and publicly – about their experiences. Often they are Healers.

Trauma survivors recognize that these family relationships are toxic, but we feel the pull of wanting to belong. Sometimes moving forward in trauma recovery means leaving toxic relationships behind. I don’t say this flippantly. This is a painful process that took me years, and it was ultimately the best decision I made for my recovery.

Trauma survivors think differently than the average person. We see and process life differently.

What I want fellow trauma survivors to know is that this is a GOOD thing. They tried to shame us for being different – heck, for being awesome. Don’t fall for it.

We are the Marvelous Misfits. We are unstoppable.

Next Up: How can we reframe these feelings of not belonging?

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