Release and Renew With a Solstice Ritual

kellywilsonwrites

13 Dec, 2022

Does a solstice ritual sound familiar? Fun? Weird? A little woo-woo?

Awesome, because a solstice ritual is all of those things!

What is the Solstice? And Why Celebrate?

A dark background with red and green round lights and a single flame in the middle

The winter solstice is the shortest day and longest night of the year. The winter solstice marks the beginning of the winter season in the Northern Hemisphere, when the sun reaches its most southerly position.

Having been through *many* “dark nights of the soul” throughout my lifetime, I appreciate the rest and reflection of this time of year. Acknowledging the eternal partnership of light and darkness and our place within it. The cycle of life and death, reflected in the seasons.

Hope in knowing that the light will return, even when it feels like darkness will last forever. THIS is what I celebrate. Even when I have felt most in the dark, I have seen glimmers of light. Pinpricks of hope. It is a worthwhile practice to help reframe winter depression, as well.

My Solstice Ritual #1: The Intention Word

I don’t do New Year’s resolutions. I do my solstice tradition and receive my intention word for the year.

I first heard the idea of choosing an Intention Word in December 2016. I was in a group that wrote about the finding and seeking of joy. I remember choosing my first word: Nourish. I wanted to learn how to nourish myself; not physically necessarily, because there is more than one way to starve.

Over the last several years, these have been my Intention Words:

A set of four rocks, each with a year and an intention word written in sharpie.

2017 – Nourish

2018 – Open

2019 – Power

2020 – Healing

2021 – Roots

2022 – Anchor

2023 – Heartbroken

2024 – Rest

These words have each been inscribed on a rock using black or purple Sharpie, each rock placed together in a clear wide-mouthed jar that sits on a shelf where I see it every single day. They are tangible markers of my journey into healing.

This is a funny idea, choosing an Intention Word. I have found that the Word chooses me.

This isn’t a goal or a To Do list or a set of plans to achieve. This is something deeper.

To find your Intention Word, you’ve got to let go of your analytical, questioning, skeptical, and even cynical thinking side and open up. Let that mind let go and wander. With deep breaths, let the chest relax and the heart soften.

My Solstice Ritual #2: The Labyrinth

A person in the distance, walking near the center of a labyrinth. She is holding a black umbrella and wearing a teal raincoat. There are puddles around her feet and evergreen trees in the background. — Rain or shine!

I receive my intention word each year on the winter solstice, when I walk a labyrinth located in The Grotto, a beautiful and serene park and place of worship here in Portland. A place of green and cool and calm and quiet. A place of listening.

We walk and whisper through the garden on the Grotto’s second level, on the top of the cliffs. We arrive at the labyrinth and fall into silence, aware and preparing. Then we walk, around and within and without, not able to discern the end from the beginning.

Walking a labyrinth sounds woo woo, but not as much as you might think. Labyrinth walking is a practice, like praying or meditating, allowing thoughts and feelings to come and go while concentrating on each foot taking a step. One step at a time, around and in and over itself, the path with no clear exit that seems to suddenly resolve itself.

Release and Receive

I’m looking forward to the labyrinth so hard this year. In years past, I have had some idea of what my next intention word might be. I have been wrong every year (LOL). So this year, I do not have any idea or speculation.

While walking the labyrinth last year, I incorporated the practice of releasing something. One of my mentors told me once that when we release something with intention, it’s important to invite in what you want instead. Last year, I released one of the burdens I was carrying and invited in light and my intention word to be revealed.

Winter solstice is between December 20th – 23rd each year. I take the day off and make it an event, a time to release and receive, to rest and renew as the earth rotates through the longest night of the year.

And every year, while November slides into December, I look forward to the labyrinth and what I might discover.

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Three Reasons to Stop Forcing It

kellywilsonwrites

6 Dec, 2022

This year, in the midst of imposter syndrome and depression and grief anniversaries and figuring out my business and the holidays, I decided to do an experiment:

I decided to Stop Forcing It, aka Don’t Force It.

What am I not forcing? Whatever doesn’t want to be forced. Whatever meets with resistance. Whatever requires that *obligation* feeling, and/or those feelings of, “I don’t want or need to do this, but I want people to like me.”

Whatever feels like a threat to my nervous system. I’m not forcing it anymore.

Introducing the Down Day

I need Down Days, but I have resented them, not taking one until I’ve fully crashed from being emotionally exhausted and/or physically sick.

The last couple of years, however, I have touted Down Days and rest as something we need. Our mental health needs time to not think about stuff and keep track of stuff. We need time and space to NOT do stuff.

If you’re like me (a trauma survivor) and you have taken a Down Day sometime over the last 30 years, then you *know* the guilt, shame, and inner criticism that comes with it. That voice inside my head that tells me I’m lazy and to remember All The Things that “need” to be done and that I’m “weak” for needing to rest.

I realized that resting is actually SUPER hard as a trauma survivor, which I wrote about over here.

So, over the last couple of years, I started having MORE Down Days, to practice. Like this weekend, for instance.

On Sunday, I did *nothing.*

I didn’t clean or shop or use the stove. I didn’t put “Laundry Mountain*” away. I didn’t think about all the stuff that had to be done. I didn’t read or write or make lists or walk or do anything holiday or work related.

Okay, I did take the dogs to the pet store and get their nails clipped, because the lady who does it is AWESOME and only there twice a month. And I heated up nondairy mac and cheese in the microwave.

Otherwise, I checked out. Completely and with intention. It was wonderful, and here are three very good reasons to consider *not* forcing it.

Our Culture Drains Our Mental Health

Our culture has a lot of messaging about “Being Productive.”

One of my personal affirmations is, “Your worth does not come from how productive you are.” This is a cornerstone sentence that I repeat to myself often.

Our culture is built on us being as productive as possible, damn the consequences. And trauma – with the perfectionism and keeping busy responses that help protect us – plays right into that.

I will say this again: Your worth does not come from how productive you are. I fall into this trap again and again, because I am a passionate person who gets a big dopamine kick from working, especially on trauma and grief related projects. And, coming from a trauma background, I learned that I could be “loved” for being really good at my work.

But it all messes with my self-worth in negative ways. In fact, my therapist recently asked me, “What’s this about how your self-worth is tied up in what you are doing?

And guess what? It’s never enough.

You know what you get when you are non-stop productive? I can tell you from experience! Burnt out. Angry. Exhausted. Resentful. Sick.

I Respect What My Body Tells Me

And I’ve learned how to do it the hard way.

What is the hard way? Keep going, keep pushing, no matter what. Deny my bodily sensations and my feelings. Ignore my mental state, because ignorance is bliss, right? (It isn’t). Then get really, really sick, combined with exhaustion. Then beat myself up for “not being strong enough.”

A highly unpleasant spiral, usually beginning right around Halloween and continuing through the end of the year.

As I write this, Christmas is barreling towards us at an alarming speed. In years past, I would be scurrying around, trying to make sure that traditions are kept and “everyone is happy.”

Not this year. I don’t want to get a tree, so I’m not getting one. The idea of hauling out our totes of Christmas stuff makes me nauseous, so I’m not doing it. No Christmas cards, no baked treats, no parties.

I have a grief anniversary, and a recent death in my community – it’s all too much right now. And now when my nervous system tells me that this is not the time to be running myself ragged, I’m learning how to listen. I’m giving myself the permission and freedom to do what feels good to my body and brain.

I’m Tired and Need Time to Integrate

The last three years have been incredibly stressful. And I know we hear this a lot, but stick with me for a minute.

I heard the other day that the pandemic has *profoundly* changed our children’s brains, and not for the better. And the way that trauma works in the brain, it will be years before our children – as adults – will become aware of how this trauma has affected them and ask for help.

Remember our grandparents and the Depression? Yeah. Like that.

Being adults doesn’t excuse us from the effects of trauma. The pandemic was collectively and individually traumatic, on top of whatever else was happening at the time. For me, I was going through a divorce and raising teenagers before the pandemic started. In fact, nothing in my life is the same as it was even five years ago, except my car.

That’s *a lot* of transition. We’ve all been through it. We’re still going through it.

We need time and space to integrate all of these changes. To help our spirits and souls and bodies and brains all catch up with one another.

Living at the Speed of My Nervous System

I’ve had more “practice what I preach” moments since I launched Map Your Healing Journey in September 2021 than I have IN MY ENTIRE LIFE COMBINED.

Whatever words I have spoken to others have come back to me a hundred times. For instance:

Me: I think it’s a good idea for you to learn how to regulate your nervous system in real time.

The Universe: Hey, Kelly! YOU FIRST.

Now run that conversation with The Universe about a hundred more times about different trauma and grief recovery stuff, and you’ve got it (LOL). I’m not complaining – yes, actually, yes I am. The lessons have been…real.

But all of this experience and trauma and grief work makes me better at my job, which is in the trenches, doing The Work, and being my authentic self.

And with trauma responses and grief anniversaries and winter depression, what am I doing about Christmas?

I’m finishing Christmas shopping, going to a couple of events, celebrating with family. Know what I’m NOT doing? I’m not decorating or getting a tree or maybe even *more.*

I’m not forcing it.

*Laundry Mountain refers the piles of clothes, towels, and blankets that NEVER ENDS and has now become a permanent installation in our home.

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The Promise of Peace

kellywilsonwrites

30 Nov, 2022

This is from a Facebook post about peace and hope that showed up in my memories. November 30, 2018. At that point in my life, I was in the middle of a divorce. And like many divorce experiences, it was messy. But clearly I was in a bigger transition – a transition of healing. A huge shift in my life, both external and internal.

There is often a point when I work with a person and they say, “I have some hope now.” And I think to myself, I can tell you that there will be peace. Because I’ve lived it.

It doesn’t have to be a lot. You don’t need an entire room in your house. Just a sliver of space.

This is a good reminder, especially right now.

***********

I remember the end of my first counseling appointment with Hannah in July 2006. She held open the door and said, “I can’t promise much, but I can tell you that there will be peace. So hang on. And come back.”

My face streaked with tears, limbs and heart heavy, I trudged through the door and out to my car. I did not believe her.

One of the most important consequences of grief and trauma is the disconnect that can happen between the heart and brain and body. A complete turning-off of emotions.

A poster with a series of faces that show different kinds of emotions and the emotions labeled underneath each face. — I can’t find the one I have, this poster will have to do!

If you know me at all, then you have heard how I (still) have a poster called, “How Do I Feel Today?” A 2’x3′ gray background with illustrated cat faces, each with a different expression and the emotion written underneath. I bought it when my oldest child was four, so 16 years ago. I said it was for him, but really it was for me.

At that point, I was 32 years old, and if I felt an emotion, I could not identify, name, process, or communicate – verbally or otherwise – what I was feeling. I was also sick a lot – in Chinese medicine, emotions and the physical body are the same, and emotions will make themselves known one way or another.

I bought that poster shortly after starting to work with Hannah (whom I still see on a regular basis to this day). At the time, I thought a lot about what she had said at the end of the that counseling appointment: “…there will be peace.”

Frankly, I didn’t want it. I was angry about her words, not that I could identify that emotion at the time.

I didn’t want peace. I wanted to be fixed. I wanted to “be done” with grief and trauma. I wanted to be “all better.”

However, I felt more than one way about her words – this has become a theme in my life, the confluence of several emotions at once about something. She wasn’t promising that I would be fixed or done or all better. But she was promising me something in addition to peace, a lifeline when I felt like I was drowning. A place to float when I was exhausted.

And that, my friends, was hope.

Hope. There’s always space for hope.

Almost every morning, a few friends and I checked in with each other using three simple words via text: “How are you.” Sometimes with a question mark, depending on the laziness quotient on any particular day. On this day in 2018, I received the question, “How are you?” and I automatically replied, “I’m good.”

About 10 minutes later, I circled my way back to my answer. What does “I’m good” really mean? I thought about my cat faces and turned inward and asked myself, “How *do* I feel today?”

I had to think about it for several minutes, because the emotion/state of being felt new and unfamiliar, and not unpleasant at all, and it took time to identify.

“You know,” I finally typed to my friend, “mostly, I feel peaceful. It took me awhile to figure it out.”

“That’s priceless,” she answered.

I thought about Hannah and her words in 2006 and my anger. I thought about all of the work and resilience and hope.

I thought about the sheer determination and will and all of the tears of the last 16 years.

The emotional investment of more than a decade, with only faith that it would yield…something – anything – better than what I had experienced up to that point.

It turns out that Hannah was right. Hope is awesome.

And eventually, there will be peace.

***

For extra support over the holidays, take advantage of these Three Mental Health Holiday Specials.

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Trauma and Grief Holiday Roundup

kellywilsonwrites

21 Nov, 2022

If you’re like me, the holidays can be a rough time of year.

Personally, the trauma that I went through happened primarily over the holiday season. I’ve got years of experience of “trying to get through” November and December. Fortunately, I have a much easier time now, with the passage of time and years of work.

I have been writing professionally for two decades. In this trauma and grief holiday roundup, I’ve included articles that I’ve written over the years that reflect where I was and what helped me at the time.

I will be adding to this roundup from now until FOREVER! Bookmark this page and visit to see what’s new!

My Most REVILED Article EVER

Oh man, a lot of readers at Sweatpants & Coffee HATED this article. I did not mean to offend, I just wrote what ladies told me. Enjoy?

Dear Men: Women are Tired and Need Gifts

PTSD Resources

Read This If Your PTSD Ramps Up Over the Holidays

PTSD & the Gift of Grief

Alternatives to Therapy While You Wait

Grieving During the Holidays

a blue face mask handing on a branch of a christmas tree next to gold ornaments and lights

For Those Grieving Over the Holidays

Making it Through the First Year of Grief

All I Want for Christmas is to be Made Whole

Dealing With Light When Emerging From Grief

Soothing Grief with Radical Acceptance

Depression & Anxiety

Feeling Depressed? I Wrote Us a Love Letter – this is one of my most favorite things I’ve ever written.

Feeling Winter Depression Coming On? Don’t Freak Out

FREE Anxiety Toolkit to Download

My Secrets to Navigating Fancy Holiday Depression & Feelings

Self-Care & Relationships

Self-Care When You Want to Give Up

What Does Self-Care Mean to You?

Great Self-Care Gift Ideas

Gains & Losses From Dumping Toxic Relationships

Christmas, Solstice, & New Year

How Choosing an Intention Word Helped Heal Me

Choosing Your Intention Word in 5 Steps

Feeling Gratitude…Authentically

And a bit out of character for me (LOL) – 9 Things to Love About the Holiday Season!

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Happy Thanksgiving! How to Create Sincere Affirmations

kellywilsonwrites

17 Nov, 2022

I’m not gonna lie, affirmations make me gag. Historically, that is. I’ve recently had an experience or two that have changed my mind about affirmations, as well as new skills to help me create them so that they are helpful and not barf-inducing.

And what were those experiences? In 2021, I wound up in the Emergency Room with a mental health crisis brought on by more than a year of the pandemic, a background of trauma, hormonal changes, and some personal issues that popped up unexpectedly. My road out of that valley was a long and hard (that’s what she said).

Fortunately, I got the help I needed. The hospital’s behavioral health department offered me a four-week outpatient intensive therapy program, online and every weekday. The program came with weekly (or more) one-on-one visits with a therapist, one-on-one weekly visits with a psychiatrist for medications, and daily small group sessions. This opportunity sounded wonderful and intense and terrible.

I jumped at the chance. What I had been doing for over a year clearly wasn’t working. I was desperate for help.

Recently graduated from the program, I have a notebook of skills to help me navigate, well, everything: my depression, emotions and feelings, the world with pandemic re-entry, and most importantly, healing. My own healing journey from abuse and trauma and ptsd.

And guess what? One of the most effective healing strategies is self-compassion through affirmations. Just in time for Thanksgiving, here are four steps to help you create affirmations that won’t make you gag.

Step 1 – Identify Your Baggage

A collection of vintage suitcases of various colors.

We all have trauma. We may not all believe that or identify our storied events as traumatic, but it’s true. As Brene Brown says, “Every single person has a story that will break your heart … And if you’re paying attention, many people … have a story that will bring you to your knees. Nobody rides for free.”

Nobody rides for free. As a result, our heads are filled with all kinds of messages that are both negative and untrue. And we can’t deal with what we refuse to see, so get a pen and paper out and write down those negative feelings and messages that make so much noise in our brains. Write without judgment, just observe.

A few examples of mine:

*I am not a good mother.
*I don’t deserve good things.
*I can’t manage my mental health.

Whoa, that’s heavy, right? They’re heavier when I don’t identify them. Even writing them down in plain language was a relief.

Step 2 – What Do You Want?

This step was easy for me. I want intimate relationships. I want to be present and self-compassionate. I want to feel confident and happy.

Make a list of what you really want. It’s easier than you think. Within minutes, I had a list of a dozen things I wanted for my life that I’m either not experiencing or am working on changing.

Make your own list of these things – these good things – that you deserve and are good enough for and need and want.

Step 3 – Visualize Your Best Possible Self

dark blue background, light blue border with two neurons at the top third. Midway are the words repetition equals significance and below in large white letters are the words Neurons that fire together wire together

Neurons that fire together wire together. This means that whatever we think and believe is reinforced each time we run it through our minds and bodies. If we believe we’re “fat” and we say over and over again, “You’re fat,” that neural pathway is reinforced.

The great news is that these pathways can be changed. Mental health research in the last few decades has created new and exciting treatment options around neuroplasticity, which is the brain’s ability to change neural pathways. Plus, the brain doesn’t know the difference between visualization and reality. That old gaggy cliche “mind over matter” is actually true.

Take the list of good things and focus on one in particular. For example, I focused on what “intimate relationships” would look like in my life personally, socially, and professionally. Set a timer for five minutes and focus on visualization.

Step 4 – Create Your Personal Affirmation

Here’s the exciting part. Take all of this processing – all of your notes from this exercise – and create an affirmation.

I’m going to follow up with the first piece of baggage I identified: “I am not a good mother.” I know this is not true but have not known what to do with this message before now.

Then factor in step two -“I want intimate relationships” – along with step three, visualizing what intimacy would look like with my kids. I realized that, in many ways, I have wonderful relationships with my boys. We are close and stable. We communicate regularly and with depth. We are open with each other.

Moving on to step four, I created the affirmation, “I am a warm, open, nurturing, loving mother.”

This affirmation resonates with me. It gives me an answer to the old neural pathway, “I am not a good mother.” This affirmation speaks to a piece of my personal baggage, allows me to see it without judgement, and gives me the opportunity to change the way I think and feel.

And most importantly, this affirmation doesn’t make me gag.

A version of this article first appeared on Sweatpants & Coffee