I get this question A LOT.

I have asked this question A LOT.

Throughout my life – even as a teen – I have been told to “slow down,” to “relax,” and to “rest.”

What those people didn’t realize is that I DID NOT KNOW HOW. There are valid trauma-based reasons for “not being able to relax.”

Rest is Hard for Trauma Survivors

When you have trauma and PTSD, your nervous system is stuck in the ON position.

This means that we are constantly in a state of hypervigiliance (aka on guard), scanning for danger. Our muscles feel tense, ready to jump up and fight or to run away to find safety. We feel intense emotions a lot of the time, and are busy spending our energy avoiding them – as well as associated memories of traumatic events – because all of it feels dangerous.

I used to be afraid that if I stopped – even for a little while – the trauma symptoms would eat me alive. I would be overtaken by them and become unable to function. That if I started crying, I might not be able to stop or I might drown in my own tears.

If you don’t have PTSD, these thoughts might sound extreme. If you do have PTSD symptoms, I hope you feel seen and can relate, because *I get it*. (Not sure if you have PTSD symptoms? Here is a Free PTSD Quiz!)

Calm and Rest and Joy Feel WEIRD

Whether or not you have PTSD symptoms, most of us don’t know on a visceral level what calm FEELS like. We don’t have a reference point for what calm feels like in our bodies. This is the culture that we live in. And when we DO feel authentic calm, it can be such a relief that it brings us to tears.

I first felt what it means to have calm in my nervous system when I went through PTSD Remediation. The first time I did the exercise, I started crying.

This is a common response. Like our bodies are crying from the sheer relief of experiencing something besides hypervigilance and tension – that pure feeling of safety and rest.

PLUS, there’s something called “feeling like the ‘other shoe is going to drop.'” One “official” name for this is Foreboding Joy.

Foreboding Joy is the feeling of joy followed IMMEDIATELY by the feeling of dread or worry or anxiety.

There’s nothing wrong with you – this is your brain trying to PROTECT you. This is a leftover groove in your brain that kept you safe for a long time, and you don’t need it anymore.

What the Heck Does “Relax” Mean?

Well, that’s the trick, isn’t it?

One of the things we need to do as trauma survivors on this journey is to figure out what is restful.

For example, I don’t like the ocean, I like the mountains. The silence is DELICIOUSLY SILENT in the mountains. The ocean makes a ton of noise and sometimes I find it irritating. I know, it’s weird LOL.

Basically what I’ve figured out is that Relax and Rest and Calm and Joy are all words that mean my nervous system is being filled and not drained.

This is stuff that doesn’t wear you out. The stuff that gives rather than takes. (Like a nap! Naps are highly underrated.)

One example is that spending time with people I don’t know very well in groups is exceptionally draining. Spending time with family is restful and restorative. Or sometimes, I need to be completely alone, and preferably around trees, which builds up my calm and joy feelings.

How to Move into Calm, Joy, & Relaxing

So how do we rewire our brains into accepting emotions like calm, joy, relaxing, and rest?

Practice.

This is The Work.

This practice of moving from chaos into calm isn’t a one-size-fits-all, but a lot of these strategies work over time for many people. Some things that I have used to help my body, nervous system, and brain get used to calm and relaxation include:

• Massage – monthly massages give our bodies reference points for calm and relaxation over a long period of time.
• Down time, having NOTHING scheduled – feeling bored and restless is GOOD. This allows us opportunities to rest and build connections with ourselves and our needs.
• Talk therapy and coaching – being able to regulate your nervous system with a calm person is PRICELESS, as well as being able to work out emotions, feelings, thoughts, and problems in a safe place.
• PTSD Remediation – get rid of PTSD symptoms altogether and make trauma and grief processing easier on the nervous system.
• Breathing exercises – practicing breathing exercises at different times helps this practice become automatic when you find yourself in distress.
• Responding to the body’s needs for hunger and bathroom – these are needs that go ignored by PTSD and trauma survivors most often, and tuning into them is the easiest way to start connecting brain and body.
• Noticing when I’m feeling calm, joy, relaxation, and rest – These sensations and feelings most likely will feel strange, and it may take a while to identify them when they happen. Awareness is everything.
• Meditation – even ONE MINUTE of meditation changes your brain for the better. I do guided meditations because that’s what I prefer, but even sitting outside and listening to the wind in the leaves is meditating.

AND…last but not least ~

Focus on Being Wholly Present in This Moment

When my kids are stressed about something they have to wait for – like whether or not they have been accepted into a competitive college program – I remind them that, “It’s time to present moment this b*tch.”

A step at a time. A moment at a time. A breath at a time. Present.

Being fully present feels overwhelming sometimes, especially if – like me – you’ve used dissociation as a tool to get through some really hard times.

Our culture encourages us to distract and dissociate.

There’s no shame in that. Skills work until they don’t.

The transition from dissociation to being present in where you are now is simple practice. The good news is that it DOES get easier and you DO start being present without having to think about it so much.

Relaxing as a Trauma Survivor DOES Get Easier

Like I tell my clients: EVERY STEP COUNTS.

Doesn’t matter how small the step – IT COUNTS.

Every time you practice bringing your nervous system into calm – either by yourself or with another calm person – this is a HUGE deal.

And before you know it, over time, your system will CRAVE this sense of calm and rest that you have created for yourself.

You Don’t Have to Do This Work Alone

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