Some seeds require cold in order to sprout. Seems counterintuitive, to put seeds in the ground to weather winter’s freezing temperatures.
But it’s a thing, and it’s called Cold Stratification. *** One of the primary things I’ve struggled with this year is Losing Hope.
I have long preached about Hope.
As a childhood sexual abuse, emotional abuse, and neglect survivor, I had Hope of getting out of that environment and living a better life.
As a teenager left on my own to finish high school –
As a high school graduate, putting herself through school with scholarships and multiple jobs –
As a teacher, a wife, a mother, a stepmother, a friend — who has felt overwhelmed and damaged and never, ever good enough but determined to be and do better for the people in my life –
Most recently, as a mental health professional and small business owner and community member –
And as a gardener and medicine maker. *** Gardening is Hope in Action. Living Hope.
Digging. Sowing. Tending. Watering. Pruning. More Watering. Weeding. Again with the watering.
If you’re lucky, Harvesting.
Never knowing what seeds will sprout. Never knowing what plants will live. Never knowing what the weather will be. Never knowing if pests will take over. Never knowing if blooms will fruit.
Sometimes — in spite of the best information and experience and environment — some is lost. Maybe all is lost.
Sometimes the only way is to lose. *** When I felt Hope leave during this year, I was bereft.
I grieved.
I felt like a fraud in my line of work. What could I possibly provide others if I did not have Hope?
Life got really dark.
So dark that I could not see my hand in front of my face. So dark I only had echoes to listen to and rough tunnel walls underneath my fingertips.
I stumbled over unseen obstacles. I fell.
Bruised and broken, I got back up.
Life got very, very cold.
I did not see a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel.
And I was alone.
I could not admit that I had Lost Hope. I was too afraid that I would not experience Hope again.
I grieved. All year, I grieved. *** From May through October, I took a Gardening As Medicine class. One Wednesday a month, I spent a whole day on a local farm, learning about growing plants to make medicine.
During our class about preparing and planting seeds, I learned about Cold Stratification.
Those seeds resonated deeply within me.
The seeds that need cold and dark and no light at the end of the proverbial tunnel in order to know when it’s time to break open completely.
Seeds that need cold so that they know when warmth arrives.
The seeds that — when Hope feels lost — do not give up, but hunker down and wait until the moment is right for them to break open. *** Every Fall and Spring, I facilitate a writing group.
We write about trauma and grief and loss and kids and family and current events and pets and funny stuff and more.
We write and we read and we are held by witnesses who quietly celebrate as we break open, like seeds who sense it’s finally warm and safe enough to sprout.
During our last meeting a couple of weeks ago, I finally admitted about my year of Losing Hope.
The words made a path for me to follow, out of the cold and dark and solitude.
Nobody tried to “fix it,” including me. No platitudes. No false comfort.
Only witnessing.
Witnesses to my struggle and pain and wrestling.
Witnesses to the dark and cold and uncertainty and despair.
As I wrote, I remembered Cold Stratification. I considered the possibility that 2024 was my Cold Stratification year.
As I read, I felt the warmth that signaled that Hope was not Lost.
Hope had been dormant, waiting for the right moment to break me open.
If You are Stressed During Election Week, You Have More Power Than You Think
kellywilsonwrites
4 Nov, 2024
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but over the last election week, I spent a lot of time crying and pooping.
Nervous system dysregulation is a B*TCH. And I am a SENSITIVE SOUL in a troubled nation and world. During US election week. As an empath.
If you are feeling the stress and extra trauma symptoms this week, you are not alone. Here are some ideas to focus on and help get through the next few days.
Why Election Week is Stressful
Election Week is triggering to most of us.
Why?
Human brains and nervous systems DO NOT LIKE UNCERTAINTY.
And over the last decade – especially with the worldwide Covid pandemic – we’ve experienced A LOT of collective uncertainty. If you grew up in childhood abuse and trauma (like me), your system is even MORE sensitive to uncertainty.
I’ve been noticing a lot of trauma stress responses to this uncertainty in my own system. Like I always say, Awareness is Everything.
The fair follow up question is, okay now that I’m aware of it, what now?
That’s what this post is about. What do we do when we’ve noticed our trauma responses, especially during this stressful election week?
Take Back Your Power
The thing about human brains is that we forget. We’re not dumb, we just forget.
One of the things that we forget is that we have a lot more power than we think we do.
How do we have more power?
We have choices.
We might not always like them, but we have them.
One of the things that my brain revealed is that I felt powerless and that the world felt out of control. In the past, this would have caused me to collapse into dorsal vagal (no shame here). Right now in my journey, my brain said:
Okay, WHAT DO I HAVE CONTROL OVER? Myself and my environment.
So my husband and I spent an entire day deep cleaning our home.
I gotta say, it felt SO GOOD. And we’re not done. But that sense of powerlessness is pretty much gone, because I remembered that I have more power and control over myself and acted on it. I had just forgotten.
That’s one example of taking back your power. I’m curious about other ways that might show up for us.
Make Many Plans for Election Week
When it comes to trauma symptoms, I have some good ideas about how I might respond. However, as I grow and change and transform, my trauma responses and needs continue to change.
In other words, sometimes I don’t always know how my nervous system is going to respond.
That’s why it’s good to not make ONE plan for taking care of yourself, but MANY plans.
In addition to deep cleaning, I have used different ways to help soothe my emotions.
The other day, I used the gift of time and took a walk and bought a beautiful dress I could afford at a nearby thrift store. I even HAD FUN, and it’s been quite a long time because of how personally turbulent my year has been.
A couple of days ago, my husband took me to Powell Butte. We walked our dog around and took in the quiet and stillness and beauty. I prefer mountains to anywhere else because higher up, I feel less of the chaos and energy on the ground. We came home and I made a cake and a pot roast simmered.
My point is make many plans – a plan if you want to have fun, one for resting, one for numbing out on a TV series or movies, one for baking or cooking, one for outside, one for being with people, one for hibernating…
You get the idea. Having some good plans can help you feel more secure and remind you that you have choices.
Practice What is Good for You
Notice that I did NOT say, “practice what feels good.” LOL That is a dangerous game.
However, good practices CAN feel good. Here are some of my favorites during stressful times.
Become An Observer – this is also known as Step Away From The Spiral. Feel a sensation, notice it, watch it, name it if you can, let it go. Observe what’s happening in your body and nervous system. This is POWERFUL tool and it lasts forever.
Avoid Engaging in Draining Conversations – You are not required to step into every conversation you are invited to, online or in person. Some strategies I’ve used is just not engaging, setting a verbal boundary, changing the subject, and/or excusing myself and walking away. You are important enough to protect.
Let Yourself Feel – Allowing yourself time and space to feel is really important. If allowing emotions to flow through is really uncomfortable for you, I GET IT. It takes time and practice. Some things that I like to do is set a timer – for example, I can cry for 15 minutes before I want to take a break. Another thing is to talk through what you’re feeling with a trusted friend or partner, which will help relieve the pressure.
GO OUTSIDE – you don’t even need to move your body. Just go outside. Seriously, hug a tree – they have vagus nerve structures, too, which have been scientifically proven to calm us through co-regulation. Watch birds and squirrels. Walk your own dog or borrow a dog. Go to a park nearby. Collect fall leaves. Breathe fresh air. You WILL feel better.
Do a Body Scan – or another guided meditation. This kind of practice helps to create a sense of safety within yourself, allowing you to return to that inward space in emotionally stressful times.
Feeling Extra Stress? Download Your FREE Calming Tools!
kellywilsonwrites
30 Oct, 2024
I probably don’t have point out that it’s stressful out there.
There are a lot of VERY POWERFUL FEELINGS swirling around, inside and outside of us.
Every day, I feel this tight, worried ball of energy ramping up as we get closer to the Election.
Why so much stress?
Because we don’t know what’s going to happen.
And the human brain and nervous system do not appreciate the unknown or the ambiguous or uncertainty.
What You Might Be Feeling
Short-tempered, angry, cranky
Tense and nervous
Hopeless and/or hopeful, sometimes at the same time
Dismissive
TIRED – emotionally and/or physically fatigued
Overwhelmed
Defensive
Scared, terrified
Excited
…and more!
How do these show up? That’s fairly personal, but we’re all human, so there are definitely patterns.
The anger and crankiness might show up while driving or trying to make an appointment or when your internet mysteriously drops (this has all happened to me over the last week).
Overwhelmed might show up by wanting to hermit and avoid people and places.
You might find yourself snapping at your kids or partner or coworkers.
You might be tempted to overindulge.
What’s My Point?
I mostly want people to know that they are not alone. In the past, I felt “like a freak” for so long because I thought I was the only one who felt xyz.
The reality is that, for various reasons, we all feel and experience similar things but don’t talk about them. So I talk about stuff, as much as I can. You are not alone.
The second reason is that I want people to know that they – YOU – have power and choice.
You have the ability to use knowledge and skills to show up for yourself (side note: ability is not the same as capacity. You may be able but simply not have the energy. You know what? That’s perfectly okay. The key is self-compassion).
The third reason is that the more tools you have, the more you can be your own best companion. If you are reading this, there is a very good chance that somebody in your life – for whatever reasons – taught you to not like yourself. For me and many others, it was abuse from primary caregivers or spouses or family members.
You do not have to follow in their footsteps. You can break the cycle.
We Need A Lot of Calming Tools
Just like tools in the toolbox in your garage, there are different kinds of calming tools for what ails ya.
A LOT of people are talking about politics in the United States right now. And as I write this, the US election is about a month away.
Election stress is real. Doesn’t matter what “side” you are on.
If you are stressing out about the current political climate, you are not alone.
If you are feeling hopeless or mystified or angry or uncertain or flummoxed, you are not alone.
Imagine a SAFE Place to Talk About Politics
Politics is a tough thing to talk about, especially during the last decade. People have lost family and friends over the issues that have come up. There are very few people and places to talk about politics that feel safe.
I can be that safe person for you during this time.
I am neutral about what “side” you are on. At a recent networking meeting, I talked about this Election Special and that not only do I remain neutral, but I will likely forget who believes what because…menopause.
You can say what you can’t say to anyone else and know that it will remain confidential. There’s so much relief in taking heavy emotions, turning those into words, and processing them in safety.
Relieve your nervous system and your body of stress without worry!
In short, I’m here to support my clients, without judgment or agenda.
A Short & Affordable Election Special
I can help you deal with election stress…affordably!
The Election Special offers THREE one-hour appointments for only $149.
I want to make sure that you are heard. Because we’re in the last month before the election (and before I turn 50!), there are limited packages available.
At the beginning of the summer, one of my dogs got really sick. Her name was Chloe.
Chloe was almost 11 years old. She was a sweet pitty mix that I’d known for six years, since I started dating the man who is now my husband.
That “One Moment”
In mid- to late- June, Chloe started having some issues. We took her the to vet for bloodwork and x-rays and her numbers were “weird.” We took her to specialists and got an ultrasound: nothing definitive.
The vet told us that her condition could be the result of a few things, from an infection to liver cancer. They gave us a couple of medications and said that she’d either improve or would likely be gone in a month. They said that if she was still with us in 30 days, bring her back for bloodwork.
Over that month, she seemed to improve, and we were optimistic when we took her to the vet.
Despite our best efforts, she had lost 20% of her bodyweight during that month. The results of the bloodwork came back and the numbers were *terrible.*
There it was. That One Moment when everything changes. Right on the paper in black and white. The realization that this was worse than we hoped. That she wasn’t going to be getting better.
And I officially started grieving this huge loss in my life.
There are stark and inescapable realities of grief, but there are also concrete things that we can do to help ourselves while going through the grieving process.
Reality 1: We are Always Grieving
Grieving is part of life, because loss is constant.
In the course of a day, a week, a month, a year, a lifetime, we experience little losses and big losses. And the thing about loss is that they range from the tiniest losses – like seasons changing, a transition that reminds us of the life cycle and brings its own grief – to the biggest losses, like losing a loved one.
I present this list not to be a Total Bummer of a person (lol), but to validate that – whether or not we are aware – we are experiencing change and loss that results in BIG emotions and feelings All The Time. And that is how we’re wired to process the world.
Reality 2: Grief Takes Your Logical Brain Offline
To put it simply, the left side of your brain goes offline when you grieve.
What does this mean?
In short, this means that our powers of good and sound judgment are taking a vacation. Our short-term memory and language abilities – including having access to words that are “right on the tip of our tongue” – are bye-bye. Our capacity for daily tasks and regularly scheduled life is way down. And reading, writing, and math are effected, as well.
During a phase of active grief, you might feel “spacey,” lose track of time and tasks, and have difficulty concentrating.
There might be periods throughout a day or a week of feeling overcome with emotions and needing to sit down and have a good cry or move your body or write in your journal or just lie down.
Simply put, this is NOT the time to make a bunch of long-term (or short-term, for that matter) plans or important decisions. The left side of your brain is out to lunch and will be back soon.
Reality 3: Grief Results in Unexpected Emotions
For whatever reasons I have yet to completely figure out, grocery stores are the WORST when I am grieving.
The day we got the results that Chloe’s bloodwork numbers were terrible, I went on with my day in a daze. And somehow I ended up at the #%*()#$ grocery store.
In the produce section, I heard someone call my name. A colleague of mine from when I was a teacher in the community. We had not seen each other in years.
“How are you?” she asked as she pushed her shopping cart near mine.
“My dog is dying!” I said, and promptly burst into tears.
Part of me was outside of myself, watching this whole scene go down. I WAS MORTIFIED.
She was gracious, and quickly made her exit. I did not blame her, and I hustled myself out of the grocery store.
There were other times of unexpected emotions: picking up a doggy stroller from a neighbor so we could still take Chloe for walks. Going to the dentist. Basically anytime people were nice to me and asked me how I was, I would burst into tears.
This is the way it is for many of us. And this is totally okay.
Reality 4: Take Good Care of Yourself While Grieving
It would be SUPER NICE if grief events happened one at a time and that we could move through each one in a straight line and bing-bang-boom we’re done and move on.
Grief DOES NOT work like this.
My example is that while Chloe was dying, I was helping my youngest prepare to go away to college, one of my best friends moved away, a family friend died, and I had to change jobs (in addition to running my business).
This was A LOT. And I knew it. So I followed my own advice for taking care of myself, which is:
1. Lower Your Expectations – And then lower them some more. Grief requires time, reflection, rest, emotion, and movement, among other things. We simply don’t have the energy to keep a regualr schedule, do a bunch of stuff, or even do what we can typically do in the course of a day PLUS grieve.
2. Make Space for Less Capacity – capacity is the maximum amount that something – or someone – can hold. I think of capacity like a bathtub. There’s only so much water that a bathtub can hold before it all starts to overflow and make a mess. Grief fills our capacity-bathtubs very quickly, leaving little room for much else.
3. Cut Things from Your Calendar – you’re likely not going to be up for it, anyway. People, activities, events – these will likely feel exhausting. Let yourself rest.
4. No Big Decisions – I mentioned this earlier because it bears repeating. Now is not the time to make big, important decisions or plans.
5. Follow the SEEM Acronym – S is for Sleep (or rest), E is for Eating, E is for Exercise, M is for Meds. These are the bare minimum activities for me at any given time.
Reality 5: You Can Take Grieving Breaks
Grieving is exhausting.
Grieving is layered and wonderful and difficult and relieving and strengthening and…exhausting.
One secret I like to share is that we can take breaks from grieving. I’m not exaggerating when I say that I cried almost every single day from the beginning of summer until September 21st (when I dropped my kid off at college).
I got SO TIRED OF CRYING. So during those times when I wasn’t crying, I started to use these as intentional breaks. I didn’t think about what was going on (mental break), I stayed in the present moment (emotional break), I practiced gratitude (emotional break), and I usually cleaned something or went outside and moved my body because it felt good.
The other side of this coin is that this allows us more and shorter amounts of time each day to grieve. This can help keep grief from becoming overwhelming.
Setting time limits during the day for crying, remembering, writing, or any other ways you are processing has really helped me over the years to feel that I have some control as well as make meaning from the changes in my life.
Reality 6: There are Advantages to Openly Grieving
A portrait of Chloe by a very gifted artist friend of mine
Chloe died on the morning of September 12, 2024. We were with her and we were at home. She did it on her own time and in her own way, just like she did everything else (if you have a stubborn pitty, you know what I mean 😊)
My grief moved from anticipatory grief to concrete (and in my opinion, anticipation is THE WORST).
I did a lot of Making Meaning during this summer, sharing my grief with a lot of people. I realized that following my grief processes this summer with intention helped me a TON in the following ways:
Being Present – In previous grief experiences, I was still fighting cPTSD symptoms. With those now gone, I could concentrate fully on what was happening as it happened.
Giving Myself Grace and Self-Compassion – Giving ourselves grace and compassion is a GAME CHANGER. Throughout this summer, I had *many* opportunities to love myself and show up for myself in this way. Our practice becomes our wisdom.
Experiencing the Full Spectrum of Emotions – A rainbow is made from rain and sunlight, meaning there is no sadness without joy. One of the tough parts about going through complex trauma (especially in childhood) is that we are cut off from our emotions in the service of survival. Reconnecting with ourselves means that we get to learn how to feel and honor ALL of our emotions.
Building More Intimate Relationships – Emotions and feelings are foundational to building healthy relationships. Being open about grief communicates that you are a safe person. We need safe people for authentic relationships.
Finding and Strengthening Your Roots – I love a good affirmation that is created out of my own experiences. Through this summer, I reminded myself of my identity and my roots with this affirmation: “I am rooted in safety. I am rooted in love. I am rooted in Self.” Whenever I felt battered and hopeless and alone and without any anchors, I said my affirmation out loud.
One Last Thing – Grief is a Gift
Yesterday morning, I had a training class and one of my colleagues – a grief counselor – talked about encountering the “stigma of pet loss and grief.”
And I know that we – as humans – compare our experiences and losses and tragedies, like we compare ourselves against others for so many things.
I was tempted to do this on Tuesday night. “Oh my pain is not as valid because these other people have gone through much worse.”
And I stopped myself and I acknowledged that one of my coping mechanisms was coming up – comparing and minimizing my experiences and pain in service of survival.
We all do this.
What I notice today is that I think about those humans that gathered – Lynne and Aviva and Torrie and Leah and Blue and our people – and I think about –
Their stories and I feel –
*strength*.
Grieving together makes us stronger. Sharing our stories makes us stronger.
The second thing –
We don’t acknowledge pet loss and grief just like we don’t acknowledge other forms and sizes of grief experiences.
Not only is there a “stigma of pet loss and grief,” there’s a stigma around grief, full stop.
What I know is that we experience a bunch of losses and grief *all the time*.
That we don’t acknowledge, respect or process it with the sacredness it deserves makes no difference to grief.
And the third is that investing your heart, time and energy into an animal companion is one of the most worthwhile and healing experiences you can have.
Especially if humans have let you down.
Because skills transfer.
When you build that connection, compassion, curiosity and love with a dog or cat or capybara or snake or or or –
You can transfer those skills to humans.
Most importantly, you can transfer these skills to *yourself*, where they are needed.
Losing that connection is devastating.
And you grieve.
And you come out the other side.
And you are changed for the better.
When you choose to grieve, you are changed for the better.
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