Five Popular Myths About (Not) Going to Therapy

kellywilsonwrites

20 May, 2024

As I write this, it is May, which is Mental Health Awareness Month, and I’d LOVE to talk a minute about five myths I hear *all the time* about therapy.

To do that, I need to tell you my story in a nutshell…

(What I want you to remember as you read this is that I am OKAY. Everything for me has turned out VERY well.)

I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse by my father, who was also an alcoholic. Pretty sure my mother was a narcissist, but I do not diagnose.

When I was in high school, my father – an Army sergeant – moved to Panama where he was stationed for a year. He met a woman he wanted to be with, and one foggy October morning, he called my mother and demanded a divorce. She went down to Panama to save the marriage, he tried to kill her, so no reconciliation.

I Took My Chance

At that time, I saw my opportunity and disclosed the sexual abuse I had endured. We involved military police, he was arrested and never charged, and he was set free. My mother took him back, there was more turmoil, he beat her up and ran off in my car. That was the last time I saw him. I was 17 years old.

Less than a month later, my mother and sister moved to California, and I lived with a family to finish my senior year of high school and make my way to college on a full ride academic scholarship.

Fast forward to 2006, where I was diagnosed with PTSD and started on this healing journey. In 2020, I worked with a therapist on a technique that got rid of my PTSD symptoms, which made me want to help others with PTSD and cPTSD symptoms, so I achieved some valuable certifications in both trauma and grief recovery, and here I am.

I’ve been in trauma and grief recovery for 20-ish years, and I’ve told a lot of lies to myself in that amount of time, including lies about therapy. I also hear a lot of them when people find out that I work in mental health. Here are the TOP 5 Therapy Myths that are the most popular.

Myth #1 – I Haven’t Been Through Trauma

Brene Brown quote in white text on a green background: "Every single person has a story that will break your heart. And if you're paying attention, many people...have a story that will bring you to your knees. Nobody rides for free."

Like Brene Brown said, “Nobody rides for free.”

If you are a human, you have experienced traumatic events.

The word “trauma” muddies the water a bit, because it’s mental health jargon. It’s a word similar to “self-care,” which has been thrown around so much that nobody really knows what it means.

“Trauma” are those events and experiences in our lives that have effected our brains, nervous systems, emotions, feelings, thoughts, relationships, the work that we do – everything. There’s a book called, The Body Keeps the Score, which basically outlines how our nervous systems store trauma in our bodies. Think about PTSD, which is a nervous system that is stuck in the ON position and keeps moving in the same panicked loop until we stop it.

In addition, trauma can take a lot of time to surface. My childhood sexual abuse happened in the mid to late 1980s, and I was diagnosed with PTSD in 2006. That’s a lot of time in between.

A couple of ways to get some perspective on your own possible traumatic experiences is first, to take the ACES quiz and see your score. Another is to take the free PTSD Quiz. And below is a helpful video about the reality of trauma in our lives ⬇️ ⬇️

Myth #2 – My Trauma isn’t Bad Enough

Remember how my childhood sexual abuse happened in the mid to late 1980s, and I was diagnosed with PTSD in 2006? Part of that is from me trying to convince myself that what happened was “no big deal” and “not as bad as others have it.”

The “not bad enough” idea is a survival mechanism, a natural and reasonable response to pain. This is one way that the brain tries to protect you from system overload and total breakdown while trying to process through what happened to you.

The reality is that you and I could experience the same traumatic event and have totally different responses. That event might completely overwhelm me, while you might be able to process it really easily. There are many factors at play here.

Admitting that events and experiences were traumatic feels vulnerable and risky, and opens the door for what I call “Purposeful Pain.” This is the kind of pain we feel when we heal from a deep wound. As we take care of that wound, it will stop hurting and it will heal into a scar.

But first, it’s super important to admit that we had tough experiences or events happen to us.

Myth #3 – The Past is the Past, just Put it Behind You

I tried this.

When I was done with college, I said, see, I’m great, I’m going to start teaching and leave all of this trauma behind me.

It did not work.

Trauma shows up in your body, in your nervous system, your brain, your relationships, your work, your parenting, everywhere.

And once I figured out that there was no getting away from it – which was 2006 – I worked my way through it and ended up writing a book. Not that everyone needs to do that (LOL), but processing in some ways gives you power and control over how trauma and grief appear in your life.

Myth #4 – Talk Therapy Doesn’t Work

The thing about trauma recovery is that there’s NO ONE “RIGHT” WAY. We have different needs at different times. And sometimes, it’s not the right time for talk therapy. There are times that call for different interventions.

For example, I have a knot that has lived on the edge of my right shoulder blade since I was a teenager. It has lived there for 30(ish) years. I have been trying to find someone who can work with that spot for at least a decade, and I finally found Counterstrain, which is a massage treatment that focuses on removing trauma from the body. I wouldn’t have found it without looking and trying and being open.

Talk therapy is one important way to process through traumatic experiences, and this kind of therapy pairs really well with other types of therapies. There are also many, many other therapies that help process traumatic experiences. I’ve tried almost all of them that I’ve heard about. All are important and work in different ways.

So if talk therapy doesn’t work, let’s try a different therapy.

Myth #5 – I’ll Be in Therapy Forever

Therapy depends on YOU.

YOUR choice. YOUR needs. YOUR voice.

As a mental health specialist, I see myself as part of a larger healthcare team. Ideally, we have a family doctor, a dentist, and specialists, like an eye doctor. We might see other health professionals, like personal trainers, massage therapists, physical therapists – the list is exhaustive. (side note: I like to say, “It takes a village to raise a Kelly” 😊)

Therapy is about you and your needs. You get to decide if you want to go to therapy forever or not. You get to choose.

Typically, I see clients once a week or once every other week, which keeps people on track with their recovery desires and goals. I have clients that I see once a month for what they call “check ups.” I have many clients that I see as needed. I also see clients twice a week when there is a crisis.

I like to remind people to NOT wait for a crisis to find a good mental health professional. You want those professionals in your back pocket, because – as Brene Brown said – nobody rides for free.

Final words…

Life is hard enough.

We don’t need to do this life alone.

Healing happens in community, so let’s build a good one.

About Trauma & Grief Recovery Coaching

Four Truths About Thriving in Trauma Recovery | Map Your Healing Journey

Sign up here to get a free copy of Five Things Every Trauma Survivor Needs to Know AND

61 Tips About the Grief Experience.

Find out more about Trauma and Grief Recovery Coaching

I offer one-on-one sessions, groups, PTSD Remediation, and classes. Appointments are offered in-person and online.

Try Trauma Recovery and Grief Recovery Coaching for Free! Book a free 30-minute Discovery Call to find out more!

Mother's Day Trauma & Grief Recovery Round Up

kellywilsonwrites

6 May, 2024

Mother’s Day is Sunday, May 12th! I straight up struggle with this day. And if you’ve found your way here, you might struggle, too.

You are not alone. For those of us with complex trauma and PTSD from childhood abuse, family-centered holidays are – at best – complicated.

Here are some resources for upcoming Mother’s Day.

What I’m Offering This Friday

Mother’s Day Mourning – It recently occurred to me that I’ve not *named* my Mother’s Day mourning. What I’m grieving. What I had. What I didn’t have. What I miss.

On Friday morning (May 10th, 9 am to 11 am PST), I will be doing a writing exercise I am calling “Mourning Mother’s Day” and I’m opening this up for people to join me. We’ll chat about Mother’s day grief, do some guided writing, do some sharing (IF you want to, not required), and ground ourselves before moving on with our day. Confidential and safe environment. Donation only.

I’m doing this anyway, would love to have company. (If you haven’t written or worked with me before, this will be a good intro). Email kelly@mapyourhealing.com and I’ll send you the zoom link.

SIDE NOTE: If you’re in the Portland area, come by my booth at the Spring Has Sprung Artisan Market! I would love to see you and it will be a nice Mother’s Day weekend service outing, as we are fundraising for NAMI.

More Mother’s Day Resources

Why your mother can’t understand you: Exploring Emotional Immaturity by Bethany Webster – Bethany is an awesome resource for the Mother Wound. I encourage you not only to read the article, but to explore her other articles and stuff.

Mother’s Day Without Mom – “Your approach to the day may evolve over the years or vary depending on your circumstances. Remember, what feels right for one person may not be the same for another. It’s important to honor your feelings and do what feels most authentic.”

How to Make it Through Mother’s Day – A little bit here about why Mother’s Day is particularly difficult *and* I made a helpful three-step acronym to remember as Mother’s Day dawns: AGH!

Honoring an Estranged Mother on Mother’s Day – This was a really good exercise for me, and I turn to it each year. Resolving trauma does not have to include forgiveness or honoring an abusive parent. The way to honor these kinds of parent experiences might surprise you.

Honestly, Mother’s Day Can Suck It – LOLOL this title makes me laugh. A dive into what disassociation and radical acceptance mean and how they can play out this time of year.

And THE LARGEST, MOST COMPREHENSIVE LIST OF MOTHER’S DAY STUFF I’VE EVER SEEN FOR TRAUMA AND GRIEF – color me impressed, seriously. Pretty much any Mother’s Day situation you can think of is here at Coping With Grief on Mother’s Day: Selected Resources.

Take care of yourself this week!

Try the Support of Trauma Recovery & Grief Recovery Coaching

Sign up here to get a free copy of Five Things Every Trauma Survivor Needs to Know AND

61 Tips About the Grief Experience.

Find out more about Trauma and Grief Recovery Coaching

I offer one-on-one sessions, groups, PTSD Remediation, and classes. Appointments are offered in-person and online.

Try Trauma Recovery and Grief Recovery Coaching for Free! Book a free 30-minute Discovery Call to find out more!

Honestly, Mother's Day Can Suck It

kellywilsonwrites

5 May, 2024

LOLOLOL This blog post title cracks me up.

But it’s how I feel.

Many people are not phased by Mother’s Day. I am *not* one of those people.

There’s obviously still unresolved trauma layers and grief and loss surrounding my relationship with my mother.

For myself and many clients that I work with, the perpetrators of our abuse were men; many times, those men are still related to us by blood.

But the truth remains that our mothers were involved. Our bodies know it. Our nervous systems know it.

There’s A Good Reason We Struggle With This

There is a push-and-pull mechanism that happens when we experience abuse – directly or indirectly – from a parent figure.

The official term is called Disassociation (this is different from dissociation, which is a protective detachment mechanism that we can learn to manage).

The following graphic explains the concept of disassociation well:

This graphic really helped me understand the push-and-pull that I felt with my parents for many years. And as an abuse survivor of my parents, I was absolutely groomed by both of them. And even though my mother did not directly participate in abuse events at the hands of my father, she was involved.

As children, we want our parents to love us. To protect us. This is right and good and how we were wired.

So when our primary caregivers are abusive, it is WILDLY confusing and disruptive.

So What Do We Do About It?

I’m working on that. I’ve had many years of experience, trying different things. Denial, repression, putting on a happy face, distraction, drinking, eating, spending all day crying – when I say I’ve tried to figure out how to deal with this, I HAVE TRIED.

Recently, one of my kids said, “Oh no! I’m working on Mother’s Day.”

I shrugged. “Okay,” I said, “is that a problem? Because it’s not a problem for me.”

(For some context, I sent a group text to my husband and our kids a month ago with pictures and ideas relating to the Mother’s Day gift I want this year. I want one of those necklaces with everyone’s birthstone! My husband recently offered to let me see what they finally chose, but I’m waiting for the surprise)

“Well, I wanted to spend time with you on that day,” he said.

“Hey, I’m just gonna be watching movies and crying on the couch all day,” I said. “You’re welcome to join me.”

We laughed – we have a similar sense of humor.

“I will!” he said.

Radical Acceptance

That’s where I’m at. Resigned. Mother’s Day is a rough day. Period.

Radical acceptance, which is a fabulous skill to have during tough times.

And the knowledge and wisdom that comes from trying so hard to make the truth NOT true. Knowing already what doesn’t work, what hasn’t worked, and making space – holding space – for myself to do and feel whatever I need to.

Yeah, many layers of radical acceptance.

There is pain.

I am loved.

I hold myself in compassion and with curiosity.

And I let myself Be.

PS!

One morning this week, it occurred to me that I’ve not *named* my Mother’s Day mourning. What I’m grieving. What I had. What I didn’t have. What I miss.

On Friday morning (9 am to 11 am PST), I will be doing a writing exercise I am calling “Mourning Mother’s Day” –

Opening this up for people to join me. We’ll chat about Mother’s day grief, do some writing, do some sharing (IF you want to, not required), and ground ourselves before moving on with our day. Confidential and compassionate space.

I’m doing this anyway, would love to have company. (If you haven’t written or worked with me before, this will be a good intro)

EMAIL kelly@mapyourhealing.com if you’re interested and I’ll get you the info.

Try the Support of Trauma Recovery & Grief Recovery Coaching

Sign up here to get a free copy of Five Things Every Trauma Survivor Needs to Know AND

61 Tips About the Grief Experience.

Find out more about Trauma and Grief Recovery Coaching

I offer one-on-one sessions, groups, PTSD Remediation, and classes. Appointments are offered in-person and online.

Try Trauma Recovery and Grief Recovery Coaching for Free! Book a free 30-minute Discovery Call to find out more!

kellywilsonwrites

1 May, 2024

Blog

I haven’t talked much about the current Trauma and Grief Writing group – we have met once a month since January, and we have two more sessions left (May and June).

It feels sacred.

By “it”, I mean the gathering, the whispers and declarations and shouts of words that tumble onto the page, the resonant feedback, the stories themselves.

The truth of stories, raw and unapologetic. The relief and awe of feeling seen and heard.

I had a vision for this group, and the reality far surpasses my expectations.

This was my first experience with facilitating a group like this. I am asking for the participants’ feedback, to know what works and what needs changing.

Personally, a change is a shorter time span (3 months) and more frequent meetings (2x instead of once). Especially in the Fall, ending before holiday chaos begins.

I’m keeping a list of interested people for the Fall session – if you are one of these people, please fill out this form ⬇️ ⬇️

Free Workshop on Mother's Day Grief with David Kessler

kellywilsonwrites

29 Apr, 2024

Mother’s Day grief is real.

As a trauma and abuse survivor, I experience the loss of the mother I could have had and the mother I *did* have. This is the nature of trauma and grief recovery, and one example of how grief shows up in trauma.

I have tried a variety of things over the years to deal with it: try to ignore it, try to embrace it, make plans, hide for the day, get drunk (not my best strategy), go on a trip, stay home…The list goes on.

This year, I’m trying Radical Acceptance. Mother’s Day will be a tough day for me. I have Big Feelings about it. One of the ways that I deal with it is to give myself and others resources to help in the process of healing.

So, when I got David Kessler’s email about his Mother’s Day offerings, I felt compelled to tell y’all about it. Here are the two free workshops he’s offering. Individuals are welcome to take one or both.

When You’re Grieving Your Mom

While this workshop focuses on the death of a mother, I believe it will be applicable to estrangement. The “Navigating your feelings” and “Complicated relationships” look especially intriguing. Here’s what else will be covered in this workshop:

The unique grief of the death of your mother
Coping with Grief
Navigating your feelings
Complicated relationships
Changing roles
Getting the support you need
Creating new traditions that honor your loved one

Take a look here for more info and to sign up.

When You’re a Mother Grieving the Death of a Child

While many will say, “It’s not fair to compare grief,” – and I get that – I also know that there is no other grief like losing a child. This is an unjust and devastating experience, and I am grateful that this workshop is available. Here’s what will be covered in this workshop:

The unique grief of the death of a child
Creating a plan for the day
Grief bursts and love bursts
Guilt, anger, and the what-ifs of grief
Understanding your individual grieving style
Finding connections with people who really get it

Take a look here for more info and to sign up.

Who Is David Kessler?

David is a good dude. Here’s his official bio on a recent email:

David Kessler is a grief specialist, speaker, and author of six books, including his latest bestselling book, Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief. He co-authored two books with Elisabeth Kubler Ross. His first book, The Needs of The Dying received praise from Saint (Mother) Teresa.

David’s personal experience as a child witnessing a mass shooting while his mother was dying in a hospital helped him begin his journey. For most of his life, David has taught physicians, nurses, counselors, police, and first responders about the end of life, trauma, and grief. However, despite his vast knowledge of grief, his life was turned upside down by the sudden death of his twenty-one-year-old son.

David Kessler is a well-known grief expert. I think he’ll be offering some really good stuff here about Mother’s Day.