Sometimes We Need Someone to Tell Us What to Do

kellywilsonwrites

5 Mar, 2024

The last year has been full of intense physical and emotional pain and processing.

In short, it started with what looked like a possible ruptured ovarian cyst or an appendix issue in late January 2023. I spent some time in the ER, got a CT scan, and was told that there was nothing wrong that they could see.

Oof. That was not what I expected. Also, it’s triggering for a trauma survivor to have intense pain and not feel seen or heard, or to know that something is wrong but to feel like there’s no help available. I talk more about this overall experience in Sometimes Getting Better Looks Like Getting Worse.

I Did Not Give Up

Part of a model skeleton with a sacrum and five vertebrates above it, all attached with yellow tubing.

My next stop was my doctor, who diagnosed a lower back and sacrum issue. So then I headed to the chiropractor, and spent the next 6 months receiving frequent treatments to try and get my sacrum to relax its chokehold on all of the muscles and tendons and what not that attach there.

What happened? The pandemic and 2020. I went into (dis) Functional Freeze and comfort was first priority. And comfort feels super nice, so I stayed there a bit too long.

(“I just TANKED with the pandemic,” I said to my Dr.

“Nobody is ‘normal’ since 2020,” she said.)

I worked with my body over the Spring and Summer and into the Fall, retraining the muscles in my abdominals, lower back, hips and legs to NOT hold the weight of the world and to release stored trauma.

To soften. To loosen.

To release the pain of the last four years…and longer. The pain throughout my life of abuse, trauma, and grief that was stored in my body.

To allow that emotional energy to move.

The Pain Kept Coming

After several months of working with the chiropractor and massage therapists and on my own with stretching and painful exercises, I still had trouble walking.

As recent as a week ago, I tried to go for a walk and my left side seized up. I was half a mile from my house and started sobbing. I might as well have been 10 miles from home.

I could barely walk, but I made it back, limping and crying.

WHAT IS THE FRICKIN DEAL? I thought. I HAVE BEEN WORKING SO HARD FOR A YEAR.

I was COMPLETELY infuriated. Frustrated and defeated and veering quickly toward hopelessness.

I Had an Appointment With My Doctor

In the meantime, I had a recent appointment with my doctor to follow up on my blood work.

My blood work was – in a word – ABYSMAL. Okay, not all of it – a lot of my levels are great. But the ones that – for me – really count? Those are not great.

And I’m at the highest weight I’ve been since forever, what with literally not being able to move for a year.

Guess what can make these numbers better?

Dietary changes.

BLERG.

“Absolutely 100% NO DAIRY ANYMORE,” my doctor said.

It’s important to note that my doctor and I have been through a lot together, including working on my dietary needs with my weird-o metabolic system and trauma background (which absolutely has effected how my body works).

I’ve been working getting dairy out of my diet for EIGHT YEARS, and I can confidently say that it was 75% out of my diet (which realistically is probably 60%. But now, it’s time to GET SERIOUS.)

I Allowed My Doctor to Boss Me

The thing about being in a lot of physical pain is that it made me REALLY OPEN to options. Including giving up dairy, and I just discovered the magic of sour cream a few short years ago.

I have a few dietary changes to make. No dairy. No cane sugar. More protein. More walking.

The thing about making changes is to go super slow. S-L-O-W.

This means recognizing what I already do and making ONE change at a time.

I started with NO DAIRY.

The Results Already

In one week, the scale is five pounds lighter than before. This is inflammation leaving.

The inflammation that dairy and sugar give my body make my blood pressure higher and makes my BODY CONSTANTLY HURT.

Now I’m not in pain…because I went 100% NO DAIRY and I felt better within days.

Okay But What’s My Point?

My point – my primary observation – is this.

I knew that my diet had gone a bit off the rails for the needs of my body.

I knew that I needed to eat better and that I would feel better.

I even had books and recipes and stuff that I had started in 2019, before the pandemic.

BUT I COULD NOT MAKE THESE CHANGES WITHOUT THE SUPPORT OF MY DOCTOR.

I NEEDED her to tell me what to do. And, to a certain degree, how to do it.

And I also realized…THIS IS MY JOB, TOO.

You can KNOW all the things in the world, but sometimes, we really need somebody to hold our hand and TELL us what to do.

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Marriage Counseling Resolving My Deepest Wounds

kellywilsonwrites

21 Feb, 2024

The last few years – since I opened Map Your Healing Journey – has been a baptism by fire (oh you want to help people dig through their deepest wounds? You first, babe. xo, The Universe et al)

Marriage counseling is the latest adventure for teaching me how to resolve my *deepest* wounds.

Sketch of tree roots, then tree that is made of two arms reaching up with fingers that lead to leaves. Black and white sketch.

People don’t talk about marriage counseling. The stigma is worse than getting individual counseling.

A therapist recently told me that couples go to marriage counseling 7 years too late.

Partly because we’re human, as humans tend to put things off until the discomfort outweighs denial. And partly we don’t see counseling as preventative; we don’t get help until there’s a crisis.

And partly we don’t go to (marriage) counseling because it’s really, really, really vulnerable.

So my husband brought up marriage counseling months ago. I said no.

Read that again: I said NO. The mental health professional who has worked through trauma and grief recovery stuff for two decades said…no.

He brought it up in December, as his therapist recommended it to help us manage conflict in an agreed-upon way (we are both…stubborn)

“NOPE,” I said again.

“NO?” Pete said. “That doesn’t make any sense.”

“I know!” I said. “I KNOW.”

I was in a panic. A deep, scary panic. Tears. Trauma responses galore.

After all of this time and practice, I’m pretty good (expert level) at figuring out what sh*t I need to own and deal with.

But this?

NO IDEA WHAT WAS HAPPENING.

But I agreed, deep scary panic and all, and we started meeting with an awesome couples counselor who is taking us through the Gottman method (which I love).

On top of some other things that were happening, however, this took me out, and by that I mean, I got physically ill. This is a clue to me that my nervous system has been overstretched. It takes a lot of time, energy, and patience to recover.

I spent that time recovering by thinking, feeling, being curious with myself, wrestling a few demons. I ate queso. I slept A LOT. I cried A LOT.

And still – nothing. No idea. The only thing I could figure was that I was grieving some buried stuff from my first marriage.

And this was true, except with this realization, my emotions and thought didn’t subside as usual in this process.

It’s been a month. A MONTH. Of being curious and patient and angry and panicky and crying and sleeping and reaching out to my friends and talking with therapists. I have been low-key MISERABLE trying to figure this out.

Finally, I got my answer.

In the middle of a conversation, words tumbled out of my mouth that I wasn’t thinking about or planning or whatever.

“…because my nervous system feels threatened,” I told our couples counselor.

“Tell me more about that,” she said.

“If we keep doing this marriage counseling thing, you’re both going to see who the *real* me is,” I said. “And you’re going to hate me.”

It was like a thousand lightbulbs going off over my head. Okay, a hundred. I littlelarry made myself speechless.

Relief. Tears. Relief. Relief. RELIEF.

A ROOT wound.

Buried DEEP.

Logically, I know that they’re not going to magically “discover” who I am all of a sudden and then not like me. I mean, I am transparent to a FAULT. People can (too often for my taste) read my face.

Logic doesn’t matter.

What I needed was a WITNESS.

And after I said those words yesterday – “If we keep doing this marriage counseling thing, you’re both going to see who the *real* me is and you’re going to hate me.” – both the couples counselor and my husband…

Tall man standing by exposed roots of Redwood tree — My husband in the Redwoods

Simply nodded. Maybe someone said, “That makes sense” or something, I’m not clear on that.

There was no argument or trying to change my mind or make me feel better or console me.

There was SPACE. There was TIME. There were WITNESSES to my pain. There was ROOM for my big feelings.

That’s what we need, when it comes down to it.

This has been a DIFFICULT period of baptism by fire. I practiced a lot of skills. I was VERY uncomfortable.

And I leveled up. I feel lighter. More at peace. Supported. Held. Loved.

That wound is scarring up, and I love my scars.

So all in all…worth it.

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Are Trauma & Grief Emotions Stored in the Anus?

kellywilsonwrites

15 Feb, 2024

Okay, stay with me, I’m serious! This is hilarious and confounding.

So Google provides analytics for every website if you want them, you just have to hook your website up to Google. Then you can go into your analytics account and see how people end up on your site.

I was in digital marketing and website design for 10-ish years, so I absolutely do this. The feedback is good and helps inform and guide website owners what to post and how to reach people. Information is power.

For example, I know that people find my website through the post, My Letter to My Abusive Father.

BUT(T), I also came across THIS valuable piece of information:

In the top three search phrases that brought people to my site, the NUMBER THREE spot was: emotions stored in anus.

Me: Um…whut?

I cannot figure out how people are ending up at Map Your Healing Journey using this search term. I’m not mad – if you know me at all, then you know I can talk about poop et all without blinking an eye (such as, How Emotions are Like Farts). But this was before any emotions-are-like-farts blog posts.

BUT(T) it DID get me thinking about – you guessed it – what emotions, exactly, manifest in the anus? Memories rushed in, and I‘m taking this opportunity to share them with you to determine, once and for all, if emotions are stored in the anus.

Trauma & Grief Hemorrhoids

A woman in her 30s with brown hair and a lovely smile poses in a I Pooped Today shirt — ala 2012. I wore this shirt to my 20th high school reunion. Also, I still spill things down the front of me and stain my shirts all the time.

As I did some research and reflected on my own life, a few anus-centered experiences came to mind.

One of the most obvious signs of stress in my nervous system are hemorrhoids.

Now, hemorrhoids are significant in my life because when I was around 8 years old, I wanted to be a truck driver. Then, at around 10 years old, I found out that truck drivers sit so much that they need to use inflatable donut cushions, because – you guessed it – THEY GET HEMORRHOIDS.

Y’ALL, I GAVE UP MY TRUCK DRIVING DREAM BECAUSE OF HEMORRHOIDS. And ended up getting hemorrhoids anyway.

I tend to get them when there is a big change and not a lot of down time or rest to help process it. As trauma survivors, our minds and bodies have been disconnected. It takes time and effort to reconnect, to trust ourselves, to believe and honor our bodies and emotions. All of this requires down time and rest.

I used to be as busy as possible all the time. Working, not working at a job, be busy busy busy, because my nervous system didn’t know any different. And then, I would feel a ton of stress and get hemorrhoids.

In the last few years, though, I’ve settled down quite a bit. And guess what? No hemorrhoids. Even while maintaining a new small business I started during a global pandemic working with trauma and grief recovery.

Stress and the Anal Fissures

Ah, yes. Ye ol’ anal fissures.

I’ve experienced these once. Completely freaked me out to wipe-wipe and see bright red blood and have no idea what the heck was happening.

So I went to urgent care. In the entrance of this establishment, there was a poster that showed the name and picture of the newest doctor at that practice.

Whew-wy. He was a tall drink of water. Easy on the eyes.

I walked up to the front counter, and during check in, I pointed to the poster of this doctor and said, “Under no circumstances am I to see Dr. Beefcake over there. Absolutely not. My ego will not survive it.”

Fortunately, they had mercy on me. A different doctor diagnosed anal fissures.

Yes, I was under an enormous amount of stress at the time. My marriage was breaking up and my anti-depressants had stopped working, among other things. My body was simply responding to the enormous amount of trauma, grief, and emotions that I was trying to process. Again, without adequate down time or rest, and not really knowing how to settle my nervous system.

The Year I Didn’t Poop

Okay, it was nine months, all told. I wrote about this experience several years ago; you can find Hope Rises in the Poop of Life for Sweatpants & Coffee here.

What was the point of not pooping for nine months? Okay first, I pooped every few days and it was wildly unpleasant.

My nervous system was in a Freeze state, and this was how the freeze state manifested physically.

Now that I know more about how trauma manifests, I can see the cycle of what I went through – shutting down to becoming activated and then back to pooping regularly – using the Polyvagal ladder.

First, I went through a profoundly re-traumatizing event in the summer of 2017. My nervous system went into dorsal vagal shutdown, aka the Freeze state, the bottom of the ladder. I was stuck there, and I didn’t know how to get out.

A PTSD trigger (this was before I had gone through PTSD Remediation in 2020 and learned how to tap into my vagus nerve) coupled with acupuncture helped thaw the freeze and kick me up the Sympathetic Nervous System, aka Fight or Flight. From there, I could more easily access Ventral Vagal, aka the Rest and Digest mode.

And then, I started pooping more regularly.

Trusting a Fart? Usually a Mistake

Live Laugh Lactaid vinyl sticker — lilhappytears on Etsy

Okay, not “usually” a mistake, that’s an exaggeration.

There was a stretch of my life, however, when farts could NOT be trusted. Not at home, and certainly NOT out in public.

Why? Undiagnosed and untreated lactose intolerance.

I have done VERY LITTLE official research, but it seems to me that our bodies are intolerant to a lot of things; gluten and dairy, specifically. Personally, I think our bodies are responding to how stressful it is to live in this world, as well as the chemicals that America allows in food that are not allowed in other parts of the world.

Food greatly affects our mental health. When I eat dairy, my depression symptoms shift into high gear, along with the other negative physical symptoms that I experience.

Including, pooping my pants at my colon’s whim. The anus apparently takes some time off, refusing to be an adequate gatekeeper.

So I avoid dairy, which allows my anus to work properly and helps me from getting so terribly depressed.

This Blog Post’s Caboose

Are emotions stored in the anus? One of my friends, who requested anonymity, replied, “Is that a polite way of saying “shove your emotional baggage up your a$$?”

Bwahahahahahaha, no. Not for me, anyway. If anything, I would like emotions freely expressed and not shoved anywhere.

So yeah, that’s my weird “are emotions stored in the anus” tale. This doesn’t count how I’ve noticed emotions gather in my butt muscles and hips, aside from the anus. Ah well, perhaps another blog post.

Until then, I hope my website will rank for the #1 spot when people search using the “are emotions stored in the anus” term. Because yes, yes they are.

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Healing Happens in Community (5th New Year Mental Health Skill)

kellywilsonwrites

6 Feb, 2024

Here is the LAST mental health skill for the New Year! And we absolutely CANNOT do this one alone.

This is a good thing.

(To find the other posts for the New Year, here is the first (what to do first), the second (two ways to regulate), the third (easy mindfulness), and the fourth (sitting with feelings in a non-sucky way)!

After three years working as a certified trauma, ptsd and grief recovery coach, (and 20 years in trauma recovery), I can tell you this with 100 percent certainty:

None of us have enough community. Me included. Our culture is built around independence, not social structures like multiple generations living in one household or a Main Street or a common purpose or meeting area in town.

But the thing is…Healing happens in community.

BUT HOW DO WE CULTIVATE COMMUNITY IN A CULTURE THAT DOESN’T SUPPORT IT? AND AFTER WE HAVE BEEN SO DEVASTATED BY ABUSE AND TRAUMA?

Build safety within yourself WHILE building a safe community.

How is that possible? Ah-ha! The four previous mental health skills build on each other! ⬇️ ⬇️ ⬇️

Skills Build on Each Other

One thing about trauma, ptsd, and grief recovery is that skills build on each other.

A hierarchy of skills that build in a pyramid formation. Bottom is physical care, next is physiological, next is mental, next is emotional and last is community.

Similar to how these New Year posts are structured, like a pyramid – first, check and maintain your physical body. Then incorporate practicing how to regulate your nervous system, which is practicing physiological health. The next skill on top of those two is practicing being in the present moment.

On top of those skills, we have the practice of identifying, naming, feeling, expressing, and communicating our feelings. Being able to practice these skills in conjunction makes it easier to build community.

Do you “have” to “master” each skill before moving on? Nope! Practicing each skill from the bottom to the top simply makes the next one easier to do. For example, it’s easier to practice being in the present moment when you’ve had some rest, eaten nutritious food, taken your meds, and practiced feeling what it’s like to be in a regulated state.

Stepping out into community and creating/maintaining relationships is much easier to do in healthy ways when you have a center point of safety within yourself and skills to maintain that safety.

Trauma Disconnects. Community Reconnects.

One of the first intentional ways that I invested in myself and community was to take an improv class at Curious Comedy Theater. (since then, there’s a lot of anecdotal evidence online that comedy improv is a valuable way to deal with PTSD).

In 2010, I was no longer teacher elementary or junior high. I was isolated and bored. I felt a bit stuck.

The kids I had worked with – and others – consistently made the comment, “You are strict, but you are FUNNY.”

Me on stage with a group of people doing improv! — Me on stage with improv buddies!

I wondered if I really was funny, so I decided to try taking comedy classes to see how I measured up “in the real world.”

During my very first improv class, we stood in a circle to do warm ups. Our first warm up involved…LOOKING PEOPLE IN THE EYE. Simple eye contact.

I started flop sweating. I bent over at the waist, hands on my knees, feeling slightly ill. I didn’t know if I could do it.

But I DID. During those 8 weeks, I also learned valuable improv skills, how to trust other people, make eye contact CONSISTENTLY, and commit to a bit, among other things.

If I’m completely honest, I miss playing on stage in this way. And I’m confident that at some point, I’ll have the capacity and time to go back. But even though I no longer take those classes, I’m still friends with a lot of comedy people. They are now part of my longterm community.

How to Invest and Build

It can be hard to make friends, especially as adults. But we NEED people.

Three photos of people together volunteering, hiking, and doing pottery. Text is Healing Happens in Community by mapyourhealing.com

One thing I figured out early on is that my personality lends itself to making friends while doing a common task. Maybe you’re like me, and need to be with people for awhile before interacting with them.

Here are some ideas for building community, especially those that involve tasks.

*Classes – take or teach classes. Many different kinds of classes are offered through county parks and rec departments, which make them more affordable. This may be a great time to try that hobby that you’ve always wanted to explore.

*Spiritually-based communities – go to services, volunteer, ask questions. This can feel risky for a lot of people who have experienced trauma, I get it. But the benefits may outweigh the risks!

*Community centers – there are many opportunities for getting involved in your local community through community centers. Game nights, dinners, dance classes, yoga, qi gong, painting, feeding the hungry, meals on wheels – the list goes on.

…And More Ideas for Building Community

*Volunteer somewhere – When I was teaching elementary and junior high kids, there were typically a couple of adults who came in to read with and work with kids. The kids LOVED them. One of the places that I would like to volunteer is the hospital NICU – both of my children spent weeks in the NICU when they were born, and it is a sacred space that I would love to contribute time and energy to.

*Buy Nothing, Master Gardeners, hyper-local groups – I started my Buy Nothing journey shortly before the pandemic and honestly, it helped save me from total despair. I got to know and trust my neighbors through the acts of giving and receiving. I now have a network in which we call on each other with needs. It’s wonderful.

*Talk with and spend time with neighbors and work friends – start with who and what you already know. Do something COMPLETELY outside of work or regular life.

*Spend more time with friends you already have – Go out and have lunch or dinner. Explore the city. Deepen the valuable relationships that already surround you. Feel what it feels like to develop that depth.

And, I’m sure, more!

Healing Happens in Community

Teal circle on a cream-colored background. Inside the circle is text: Full Circle and mapyourhealing.com Outside and surrounding the edges of the circle is text: Abuse, trauma & pain happen in relationships. What heals these wounds? Relationships.

I have discovered this over and over again –

Abuse and pain happen in relationships.

Guess what helps heal those wounds?

Relationships.

Full circle. Absurdly so.

We do not heal in a vacuum.

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How to Make Sitting With Your Feelings Not Suck in the New Year

kellywilsonwrites

29 Jan, 2024

This post about sitting with your feelings has two purposes:

It is an excellent follow up to May Be Interrupted by Cranky Winter Weather – and –
This is the FOURTH Mental Health skill for the New Year

(To find the other posts for the New Year, here is the first (what to do first), the second (two ways to regulate), and the third (easy mindfulness)!

Y’all! WE ARE TOTALLY GOING TO GET FIVE POSTS OUT OF THIS SERIES. When I started this series at the beginning of January, I wasn’t sure. Cold, gray, storms, after-holidays crash…it was a lot.

January was tough, but I’m tougher.

Yes, I Have to Practice Sitting With My Feelings

Sitting with your feelings can suck. I get it. I have to do it, too.

And sometimes there’s no other way but to sit in them and wallow a bit. Ain’t no way but through.

Emotions and feelings need to be processed, like doing laundry. Our emotions are dirty towels, and we are the washing machine and dryer.

Two Ways We Process Emotions & Feelings

“Let everything happen to you Beauty and terror Just keep going No feeling is final” ― Rainer Maria Rilke

In How Emotions are Like Farts, I emphasized that we are designed to feel emotions (physical) and assign meaning to them (mental), and that’s how emotions become feelings.

Our bodies are very good at sensing what’s going on around us and inside us in very efficient and effective ways. Our culture has taught us to ignore those signals.

One of the jobs of trauma, ptsd, and grief recovery is learning how to sense, acknowledge, identify, name, process, express, and communicate our emotions and feelings in healthy (and non-stinky) ways. (Does this sound overwhelming? No worries, I can help, and a Discovery Call is free).

Observing Emotions With Mindfulness

SO…how do you do all this? Sense, acknowledge, identify, name, process, express, and communicate our emotions and feelings in healthy ways?

Observation and curiosity…and MINDFULNESS, which is, essentially, being in the present moment in our bodies and minds.

Being in the present moment allows us to pick up sensations in our bodies, those sensations where something is bubbling up.

For example, I had a very busy day yesterday with clients. I love working with people, and the appointments were astounding.

I had to rush to the grocery store and run some errands. By the time I got home, I felt tears right behind my eyes. My chest felt tight and my breath was shallow. I felt *angry* and resentful, but didn’t have anything I could point to as “reasons.”

My first thought – from a lifetime of trauma responses – was, “I don’t have anything to cry about.” But this was a long-held coping mechanism kicking in.

Because OBVIOUSLY my body needed to move some emotional energy.

What Did I Do?

What did I do? I observed. I breathed into the sensation. I didn’t deny my emotions, even the anger. I hugged my husband (co-regulation). And I CRIED.

Then I began talking about the day – the excitement, stress, chaos, rushing, happiness, joy – all of it. ALL OF IT IS STRESS, and as a trauma survivor, stress can be tough to process. The stress builds, and then I need to move it in healthy ways.

Right now, my body’s favorite way to move emotional energy is crying.

My point is this: if I hadn’t paid attention to signals from my body in that present moment – the tears right behind my eyes, the tightness in my chest, my shallow breathing, the anger that felt safer than tears – I would not have been able to process those emotions like I needed to.

Sitting With Feelings Using the 4 S’s

Text with four boxes, one blue and number 1, one orange and number 2, one green and number 3 and one yellow and number 4. First box - Sense, Second - Sit, Third - State, Fourth - Soothe. (C) 2023 Kelly Wilson, CTRC-I, Map Your Healing Journey

I’ve mentioned this technique – that I made up! I use it! I love it! – in a couple of posts: The 4 S’s.

The 4 S’s are Sense, Sit, State, and Soothe.

The step that I now s-s-struggle with (haha another S word) is the Sit. I practice this a lot with clients, because it can be easier to sit with tough feelings with a safe person.

In the past, I have fought, lashed out, hid, distracted, and run away from sitting with the emotions and feelings as they crashed over me.

HOWEVER, I’ve started leaning into sitting with my feelings pretty hard, and here is what I know:

Emotions and feelings will not kill you
The discomfort of sitting with feelings is *absolutely* worth the reward of not having them stored in your nervous system and body
Sitting with feelings takes practice
It’s easier for me to sit with feelings outside or through movement, like walking or stretching
Practicing this skill has built an enormous amount of safety within myself

How Do We Not Make Sitting With Feelings Suck?

Practice.

Not an s word. Bummer. But VERY IMPORTANT.

One tough truth that I learned about a decade ago was that if I wanted a different life, then I needed to make a different choice.

Instead of lashing out, I needed to observe within myself.

Instead of running away, I needed to be still.

Instead of hiding, I needed to put my feelings into words.

I needed to practice these skills with others and by myself in order to build them up, like muscles.

Learning how to sense, sit with, and process my feelings in real time has been nothing short of – another P word – PRICELESS.

If you are ready to start practicing, let’s chat – a discovery call is free.

Try Trauma Recovery & Grief Recovery Coaching

Sign up here to get a free copy of Five Things Every Trauma Survivor Needs to Know

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I offer one-on-one sessions, groups, PTSD Remediation, and classes. Appointments are offered in-person and online.

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