Welcome to the second in the series of the Top 5 Mental Health Skills for the New Year! (If you are catching up, you can find the first Mental Health skill here!)

This skill is INVALUABLE. PRICELESS. THE FOUNDATION OF CONNECTING BODY AND BRAIN.

Can you tell from all of the capital letters that I’m feeling quite intense about this skill? I AM. I LOVE IT SO MUCH.

I use this skill EVERY SINGLE DAY. MULTIPLE TIMES a day. It solves A LOT of problems.

This Most Valuable Skill in trauma, PTSD and grief recovery is…(drumroll please) –

Regulating your nervous system.

Why? How? Who cares? Read on and I’ll tell ya!

Survival Mode is Not Meant to be Forever

I was 25 years old before someone said to me, “Survival mode is not meant to be forever.”

I honestly did not know that.

I was *born* into survival mode. My childhood years with abusive and alcoholic parents led to complex PTSD. I literally did not know that there was any other way to be, other than feeling inwardly chaotic, heart-racing, anxious, overwhelmed, jumpy, and irritable (to name a few).

Unfortunately, the “survival mode is not meant to last forever” conversation stopped there. It was a passing comment, but it stuck with me. Being inherently curious, my question was, well what else is there besides survival mode, and what the heck is survival mode, for real???

It would be several more years before I would begin to find out.

We are Meant for Calm

This goes against what our culture and school and work and families teach us, but our bodies and brains THRIVE in calm.

We operate more efficiently and experience more rest, creativity, and presence when we feel calm.

Calm is our baseline.

What does your body feel like when you are calm? How do you describe calm?

These are tough questions for trauma survivors, especially with PTSD.

At this point in my journey, I’m still learning how to NOT create chaos outside and inside of myself, and to rest inside the calm.

So yeah…You are not alone.

There are TWO ways (in my experience) to practice the skill of regulating our nervous systems.

First Regulate With Another Calm Person

This is the most important part of my job. It is called Co-Regulation.

Co-regulation is our ability to tap into each other’s emotional and physical energies. It’s a fabulous way that humans and animals are wired.

One example is when we feel upset and our dog or cat comes up to us and comforts us. We pet the dog or cat and accept their love and begin to feel more calm. We are co-regulating with our pets, being physiologically soothed.

I perform a similar task, but I’m not as cute as cats or dogs.

Regardless of whether we meet in person or online, the goals are the same:

• A safe and welcoming environment
• Inward stillness and calm
• Loose body language
• Fully present in the moment
• Reflecting and attuning to emotions

When people come into my physical or virtual office, I want them to feel safe enough to “come down” from the chaos, worry, and anxiety that surrounds us so that we can process what is happening and has happened within us.

People who work in counseling/therapy/trauma or grief recovery coaching, massage therapy and bodywork, acupuncture, yoga, (and more) typically practice this skill of safety with others. Sometimes – and this was true for me – these places are the only places that we can feel safe and learn what it’s like to be regulated in our nervous systems.

Second, Regulate Inside of Yourself

The thing about trauma is that it disconnects.

It disconnects us from ourselves. Our brains become separated from our bodies for the sake of survival. Trauma disconnects us from other people.

Remember, survival mode is not meant to be forever. We’re meant to experience danger and then process it emotionally, physically, and physiologically.

Once we start getting comfortable with co-regulating with safe people in our lives and dealing with the trauma that our bodies hold, we can begin to regulate our nervous systems.

There are a lot of other practices that help regulate our nervous system. Stretching, yoga, walking, talking, tapping (EFT), vagus nerve work like humming and singing, sensory deprivation floating, dietary changes, visualization, affirmations, gratitude, meditation – the list quite littlelarry* goes on. I’ve tried almost all of them, and still use my favorite strategies in a combination that works for me (*I use littlelarry because my youngest said it and I refuse to go back LOL).

One of the ways that I regulate is through box breathing – I explain more here in a video from a couple of years ago, when my youngest was heading back to school after pandemic shutdown:

Steps to Regulate Your Nervous System

As you get more into practicing regulating your nervous system with others and by yourself, this becomes more automatic.

I break this process down into The Four S’s:

Sense – Our physical bodies sense emotions long before our brains do. It’s important to sense that something emotionally based is happening in your body, and what different emotions and feelings can feel like.

Sit – This is a tough one. I practice this a lot with clients, because it can be easier to sit with tough feelings with a safe person. In the past, I have fought, lashed out, hid, distracted, and run away from sitting with the emotions and feelings as they crash over me. Now I am more apt to notice the sensations and then sit with them for a little while. This takes practice.

State – For me, this is a stream of consciousness exercise. I start with the physical sensations that I notice, and then name the associated feelings. I state what’s happening OUT LOUD whether another person is there or not, because our brains trust the sound of our voice. This is also where emotional energy moves for me, typically I cry.

Soothe – This is an important skill. Think of it like soothing a hurt animal or child or your inner child. Drink water, have a snack, build a blanket fort. Curl up with something warm, like a blanket or bowl of soup or a cup of tea.

Here’s a handy graphic to refer to, because THIS TAKES PRACTICE.

If you are ready to practice but don’t want to be all by yourself, let’s chat – a discovery call is free.

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