Healing Happens in Community (5th New Year Mental Health Skill)

kellywilsonwrites

6 Feb, 2024

Here is the LAST mental health skill for the New Year! And we absolutely CANNOT do this one alone.

This is a good thing.

(To find the other posts for the New Year, here is the first (what to do first), the second (two ways to regulate), the third (easy mindfulness), and the fourth (sitting with feelings in a non-sucky way)!

After three years working as a certified trauma, ptsd and grief recovery coach, (and 20 years in trauma recovery), I can tell you this with 100 percent certainty:

None of us have enough community. Me included. Our culture is built around independence, not social structures like multiple generations living in one household or a Main Street or a common purpose or meeting area in town.

But the thing is…Healing happens in community.

BUT HOW DO WE CULTIVATE COMMUNITY IN A CULTURE THAT DOESN’T SUPPORT IT? AND AFTER WE HAVE BEEN SO DEVASTATED BY ABUSE AND TRAUMA?

Build safety within yourself WHILE building a safe community.

How is that possible? Ah-ha! The four previous mental health skills build on each other! ⬇️ ⬇️ ⬇️

Skills Build on Each Other

One thing about trauma, ptsd, and grief recovery is that skills build on each other.

A hierarchy of skills that build in a pyramid formation. Bottom is physical care, next is physiological, next is mental, next is emotional and last is community.

Similar to how these New Year posts are structured, like a pyramid – first, check and maintain your physical body. Then incorporate practicing how to regulate your nervous system, which is practicing physiological health. The next skill on top of those two is practicing being in the present moment.

On top of those skills, we have the practice of identifying, naming, feeling, expressing, and communicating our feelings. Being able to practice these skills in conjunction makes it easier to build community.

Do you “have” to “master” each skill before moving on? Nope! Practicing each skill from the bottom to the top simply makes the next one easier to do. For example, it’s easier to practice being in the present moment when you’ve had some rest, eaten nutritious food, taken your meds, and practiced feeling what it’s like to be in a regulated state.

Stepping out into community and creating/maintaining relationships is much easier to do in healthy ways when you have a center point of safety within yourself and skills to maintain that safety.

Trauma Disconnects. Community Reconnects.

One of the first intentional ways that I invested in myself and community was to take an improv class at Curious Comedy Theater. (since then, there’s a lot of anecdotal evidence online that comedy improv is a valuable way to deal with PTSD).

In 2010, I was no longer teacher elementary or junior high. I was isolated and bored. I felt a bit stuck.

The kids I had worked with – and others – consistently made the comment, “You are strict, but you are FUNNY.”

Me on stage with a group of people doing improv! — Me on stage with improv buddies!

I wondered if I really was funny, so I decided to try taking comedy classes to see how I measured up “in the real world.”

During my very first improv class, we stood in a circle to do warm ups. Our first warm up involved…LOOKING PEOPLE IN THE EYE. Simple eye contact.

I started flop sweating. I bent over at the waist, hands on my knees, feeling slightly ill. I didn’t know if I could do it.

But I DID. During those 8 weeks, I also learned valuable improv skills, how to trust other people, make eye contact CONSISTENTLY, and commit to a bit, among other things.

If I’m completely honest, I miss playing on stage in this way. And I’m confident that at some point, I’ll have the capacity and time to go back. But even though I no longer take those classes, I’m still friends with a lot of comedy people. They are now part of my longterm community.

How to Invest and Build

It can be hard to make friends, especially as adults. But we NEED people.

Three photos of people together volunteering, hiking, and doing pottery. Text is Healing Happens in Community by mapyourhealing.com

One thing I figured out early on is that my personality lends itself to making friends while doing a common task. Maybe you’re like me, and need to be with people for awhile before interacting with them.

Here are some ideas for building community, especially those that involve tasks.

*Classes – take or teach classes. Many different kinds of classes are offered through county parks and rec departments, which make them more affordable. This may be a great time to try that hobby that you’ve always wanted to explore.

*Spiritually-based communities – go to services, volunteer, ask questions. This can feel risky for a lot of people who have experienced trauma, I get it. But the benefits may outweigh the risks!

*Community centers – there are many opportunities for getting involved in your local community through community centers. Game nights, dinners, dance classes, yoga, qi gong, painting, feeding the hungry, meals on wheels – the list goes on.

…And More Ideas for Building Community

*Volunteer somewhere – When I was teaching elementary and junior high kids, there were typically a couple of adults who came in to read with and work with kids. The kids LOVED them. One of the places that I would like to volunteer is the hospital NICU – both of my children spent weeks in the NICU when they were born, and it is a sacred space that I would love to contribute time and energy to.

*Buy Nothing, Master Gardeners, hyper-local groups – I started my Buy Nothing journey shortly before the pandemic and honestly, it helped save me from total despair. I got to know and trust my neighbors through the acts of giving and receiving. I now have a network in which we call on each other with needs. It’s wonderful.

*Talk with and spend time with neighbors and work friends – start with who and what you already know. Do something COMPLETELY outside of work or regular life.

*Spend more time with friends you already have – Go out and have lunch or dinner. Explore the city. Deepen the valuable relationships that already surround you. Feel what it feels like to develop that depth.

And, I’m sure, more!

Healing Happens in Community

Teal circle on a cream-colored background. Inside the circle is text: Full Circle and mapyourhealing.com Outside and surrounding the edges of the circle is text: Abuse, trauma & pain happen in relationships. What heals these wounds? Relationships.

I have discovered this over and over again –

Abuse and pain happen in relationships.

Guess what helps heal those wounds?

Relationships.

Full circle. Absurdly so.

We do not heal in a vacuum.

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How to Make Sitting With Your Feelings Not Suck in the New Year

kellywilsonwrites

29 Jan, 2024

This post about sitting with your feelings has two purposes:

It is an excellent follow up to May Be Interrupted by Cranky Winter Weather – and –
This is the FOURTH Mental Health skill for the New Year

(To find the other posts for the New Year, here is the first (what to do first), the second (two ways to regulate), and the third (easy mindfulness)!

Y’all! WE ARE TOTALLY GOING TO GET FIVE POSTS OUT OF THIS SERIES. When I started this series at the beginning of January, I wasn’t sure. Cold, gray, storms, after-holidays crash…it was a lot.

January was tough, but I’m tougher.

Yes, I Have to Practice Sitting With My Feelings

Sitting with your feelings can suck. I get it. I have to do it, too.

And sometimes there’s no other way but to sit in them and wallow a bit. Ain’t no way but through.

Emotions and feelings need to be processed, like doing laundry. Our emotions are dirty towels, and we are the washing machine and dryer.

Two Ways We Process Emotions & Feelings

“Let everything happen to you Beauty and terror Just keep going No feeling is final” ― Rainer Maria Rilke

In How Emotions are Like Farts, I emphasized that we are designed to feel emotions (physical) and assign meaning to them (mental), and that’s how emotions become feelings.

Our bodies are very good at sensing what’s going on around us and inside us in very efficient and effective ways. Our culture has taught us to ignore those signals.

One of the jobs of trauma, ptsd, and grief recovery is learning how to sense, acknowledge, identify, name, process, express, and communicate our emotions and feelings in healthy (and non-stinky) ways. (Does this sound overwhelming? No worries, I can help, and a Discovery Call is free).

Observing Emotions With Mindfulness

SO…how do you do all this? Sense, acknowledge, identify, name, process, express, and communicate our emotions and feelings in healthy ways?

Observation and curiosity…and MINDFULNESS, which is, essentially, being in the present moment in our bodies and minds.

Being in the present moment allows us to pick up sensations in our bodies, those sensations where something is bubbling up.

For example, I had a very busy day yesterday with clients. I love working with people, and the appointments were astounding.

I had to rush to the grocery store and run some errands. By the time I got home, I felt tears right behind my eyes. My chest felt tight and my breath was shallow. I felt *angry* and resentful, but didn’t have anything I could point to as “reasons.”

My first thought – from a lifetime of trauma responses – was, “I don’t have anything to cry about.” But this was a long-held coping mechanism kicking in.

Because OBVIOUSLY my body needed to move some emotional energy.

What Did I Do?

What did I do? I observed. I breathed into the sensation. I didn’t deny my emotions, even the anger. I hugged my husband (co-regulation). And I CRIED.

Then I began talking about the day – the excitement, stress, chaos, rushing, happiness, joy – all of it. ALL OF IT IS STRESS, and as a trauma survivor, stress can be tough to process. The stress builds, and then I need to move it in healthy ways.

Right now, my body’s favorite way to move emotional energy is crying.

My point is this: if I hadn’t paid attention to signals from my body in that present moment – the tears right behind my eyes, the tightness in my chest, my shallow breathing, the anger that felt safer than tears – I would not have been able to process those emotions like I needed to.

Sitting With Feelings Using the 4 S’s

Text with four boxes, one blue and number 1, one orange and number 2, one green and number 3 and one yellow and number 4. First box - Sense, Second - Sit, Third - State, Fourth - Soothe. (C) 2023 Kelly Wilson, CTRC-I, Map Your Healing Journey

I’ve mentioned this technique – that I made up! I use it! I love it! – in a couple of posts: The 4 S’s.

The 4 S’s are Sense, Sit, State, and Soothe.

The step that I now s-s-struggle with (haha another S word) is the Sit. I practice this a lot with clients, because it can be easier to sit with tough feelings with a safe person.

In the past, I have fought, lashed out, hid, distracted, and run away from sitting with the emotions and feelings as they crashed over me.

HOWEVER, I’ve started leaning into sitting with my feelings pretty hard, and here is what I know:

Emotions and feelings will not kill you
The discomfort of sitting with feelings is *absolutely* worth the reward of not having them stored in your nervous system and body
Sitting with feelings takes practice
It’s easier for me to sit with feelings outside or through movement, like walking or stretching
Practicing this skill has built an enormous amount of safety within myself

How Do We Not Make Sitting With Feelings Suck?

Practice.

Not an s word. Bummer. But VERY IMPORTANT.

One tough truth that I learned about a decade ago was that if I wanted a different life, then I needed to make a different choice.

Instead of lashing out, I needed to observe within myself.

Instead of running away, I needed to be still.

Instead of hiding, I needed to put my feelings into words.

I needed to practice these skills with others and by myself in order to build them up, like muscles.

Learning how to sense, sit with, and process my feelings in real time has been nothing short of – another P word – PRICELESS.

If you are ready to start practicing, let’s chat – a discovery call is free.

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Who Wants to Write In-Person in Portland?

kellywilsonwrites

23 Jan, 2024

Local writers! There’s been expressed interest in a drop-in trauma & grief writing evening. There’s space (to rent for small fee) and I have the time and capacity right now, so why not?

I’m thinking about running it like an open mic night – “the list” will open a couple of days before, people sign up (first come, first serve) and then the first 6 show up that Wednesday evening.

Here are the details as they now stand:

once a month (for now)
Last Wednesday evening of the month
7-9ish pm
$20 – $50, sliding scale
up to 6 people
in-person at Centerpointe Therapists in Milwaukie
bring snacks

This would be similar to the online writing group – write to prompts and read out loud in a safe environment, no critique, no experience necessary.

Sign up below to stay in the loop! This form is to indicate interest only. I will email all interested people final details and to sign up officially.

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61 Tips About the Grief Experience.

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Try Trauma Recovery and Grief Recovery Coaching for Free! Book a free 30-minute Discovery Call to find out more!

Two Easy Ways to Practice Mindfulness for the New Year

kellywilsonwrites

21 Jan, 2024

Welcome to the third in the series of the Top 5 Mental Health Skills for the New Year! (If you are catching up, you can find the first Mental Health skill here and the second one here!)

Our third skill? Two easy ways to practice mindfulness.

What is Mindfulness, Anyway?

Great question. “Mindfulness” is a term that gets thrown around a lot and rarely explained.

So what is it? Really?

Mindfulness is simply being in the present moment.

Those of you who – like me – spent the bulk of your lives dissociating…I can hear you laughing. It’s okay, I did, too.

Remember how I said that survival mode is not meant to be forever? Neither is dissociation. It works, until it doesn’t.

While we all practice dissociation on some level (one example is daydreaming, which can be quite fun), CHRONIC dissociation in complex trauma, PTSD, and CPTSD can cause long-term damage (in short, we can become unable to integrate our experiences into our authentic selves and we can develop problems with memory, identity, emotion, perception, behavior and sense of self).

I started mindfulness practice in 2016. I started going to a Seeking Safety group with other women, all of us with a PTSD diagnosis.

That group is where I learned the two easiest ways to practice mindfulness.

My First Mindfulness Practice (that I remember)

I have this visceral memory of sitting in the group therapy room, on the couch that was set against the windows.

The group leader was going through the curriculum and I was having a tough day. The curriculum was good but difficult. I had a lot of Big Feelings and I didn’t know what to do with them. My brain didn’t necessarily believe that I was safe.

I felt myself begin to dissociate.

I stopped. I laid my head back against the headrest of the couch and began a silent chant in my own head:

“Do not dissociate. You are safe. Do not dissociate. You are safe.”

It worked. I stayed in the present moment, and something inside of me shifted.

I’ve repeated that chant for YEARS. In my most vulnerable moments, that chant still comes to me. The power of it is the STOP, the pause, that gives me the CHOICE.

If I’m in the present moment, I can act out of my authentic self, not out of my trauma responses. THAT is the power of a healing journey.

Practice Mindfulness While Grounding OUTSIDE of Ourselves

Sometimes we get FLOODED with Big Feelings and the *last* place we need or want to be is inside the turmoil.

Fortunately, there are ways to ground OUTSIDE of ourselves and sidestepping the inner spiral. The following ideas from the Trigger Toolkit help to anchor us in the environment:

Take deep, slow breaths from your gut rather than your chest
Start counting the number of red things in the room around you
Go outside and focus on feeling the air and sun on your skin
Rinse your hands with cold water or hold ice cubes until they melt
Run your hands over a rough surface, like bricks or a tree trunk
Fire up your iPod and sing along with songs you know
Count backwards from 88
Actively play with a pet or engage with animals
Carry a talisman with you – a small item – that you can grasp tightly in your hand
when you need it
Eat something and focus on the flavors, scents and feel of the food in your mouth
Trace your hand onto a piece of paper and fill the handprint full of names of
things you can touch around you

A caucasian hand with palm pressed against the dark bark of a tree

My suggestion is to choose one thing and try it several times. Make that thing something that you either already do (many times, we’ve done things unconsciously that help us navigate our world as trauma survivors) and/or want to do.

Practice Mindfulness While Grounding INSIDE of Ourselves

I like to use this kind of mindfulness on a regular basis. When it comes to regulating our nervous systems, EVERYTHING counts. Practicing skills when you feel calm helps rewire your brain and make these skills more automatic. Even ONE MINUTE counts.

Plus, trauma disconnects. Mindfulness connects. Grounding inside of yourself helps build safety between your brain and your body, a central point that you can return to in times of distress. Practicing grounding techniques inside your body helps strengthen that central point of safety.

And sometimes I just don’t know how I feel. Taking time to observe my thoughts, feelings, and/or body helps me to stay in the present with my emotions.

Observe Your Thoughts

The point of this is NOT to change or judge anything. Just watch those thoughts like clouds in the sky.

To start, start a timer for 5, 10, or 15 minutes and sit or lie down in a comfortable position. Feel your seat on the chair. Feel the breath go in and out of your nose for a bit.

Slowly bring awareness to the thoughts coming into your head. These thoughts are passing clouds. See them, acknowledge them, let them pass.

That’s it. Really. You are simply being who you are in this moment.

Observe Your Body

This is one of my favorite ways to practice mindfulness because it was easy for me to learn and I find it very calming. This is the Body Scan.

I’ve done Body Scan exercises anywhere from 1 minute up to a half hour. Here is the Body Scan document with links to guided exercises of differing amounts of time.

Observe Your Emotions

Observing feelings is a similar mindfulness practice to observing thoughts except that we are observing emotions that our bodies are sensing.

To start, start a timer for 5, 10, or 15 minutes and sit or lie down in a comfortable position. Feel your seat on the chair. Feel the breath go in and out of your nose for a bit.

Slowly bring awareness to the parts of your body that are having sensations. Name the sensations (for example, my heart is racing, my right foot feels cold, my calves are tingling).

Emotions like to spiral. There’s no need to try and stop the spiral. Instead, STEP AWAY from the spiral.

Observe the sensations in your body and what emotions and thoughts are spiraling. GET CURIOUS, naming the sensations and saying, “I’m very curious about that” or “I wonder what that’s about.”

Your brain and body will tell you. It might not be right away, but it will happen. The art of being curious helps set that stage.

If you are ready to practice but don’t want to be all by yourself, let’s chat – a discovery call is free.

Try Trauma Recovery & Grief Recovery Coaching

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May Be Interrupted by Cranky Winter Weather

kellywilsonwrites

17 Jan, 2024

Today I was reminded of a fairly traumatic winter weather incident.

During the week of Christmas 2008, we got a storm that took power and heat out for D-A-Y-S.

I live in Portland, Oregon, and winter events like this don’t happen that often. Not even every year. We might have a few snowflakes or a day or two of sleet each January or even March, but winter storms are an every-few-years kind of thing.

Therefore, we don’t have the infrastructure to deal with severe winter weather. So when a multiple-day storm passes through, we are S-T-U-C-K.

And that’s where we are now.

But back to Christmas 2008.

I was a year and a half into trauma therapy, diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder in 2006. The sexual abuse that I endured as a child happened partly during the Christmas holiday, so at that point in my trauma recovery, Christmas was still extremely hard and I was working through what that was about. I was also trying to be a “good mom” about Christmas for my kids.

A couple of days before Christmas (2008), snow and ice took over the city. Power was out in all areas. First we lost electricity, then we lost heat. On Christmas Eve, the temperature in our house went down into the 40’s.

At the time, I had a 7-year-old and a 4-year-old. We could not stay in our home.

One of our best friends took us in. I was barely able to function from the stress on top of the trauma stuff, but my best friend and her roommate made everything BETTER. They took over and kept us warm and safe and fed and our kids had a wonderful Christmas and honestly didn’t know any better.

A reminder that winter weather is stressful.

This is the reality of severe winter weather:

*Snow and ice.
*Power outages. Internet outages.
*No heat.
*Dicey driving conditions.
*Not able to get places.
*Empty shelves at the store.
*Trying to reschedule stuff.
*Cabin fever.
*Routine disruptions.

(Perhaps, like me, you have a young dog who does not “get” snow and ice but wants to play in it and doesn’t understand why nobody else wants to and WILL NOT LEAVE YOU ALONE, but I digress…)

Uncertainty. Unfamiliar circumstances. Perceived or actual scarcity. Feeling powerless.

Stress kicks up old trauma.

This is on top of whatever “regular” stuff you are dealing with.

What can we do, though?

Acknowledgement goes a long way, which is basically saying out loud what you are and have been dealing with. Living in the present moment can help break up the trauma cycle. It might be uncomfortable, but it will help.

Also helpful:
*Grounding your nervous system (look up 5-4-3-2-1 and body scan meditations in the Anxiety Toolkit)
*Reminding yourself that you are safe.
*Talking to other people.
*Radical acceptance.
*Drink water, eat food, stretch your body, take your meds.
*Chill out (pun intended).
*Acknowledge what has gone well.
*Hot baths, showers, and naps.
*Snuggling.

When the ice has melted, there will be emotional energy to move. Pent up stress will need somewhere to go. We will thaw in more ways than one.

Until then, go gently. And stay safe!

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I offer one-on-one sessions, groups, PTSD Remediation, and classes. Appointments are offered in-person and online.

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