8 Best Trauma & Grief Recovery Articles of 2023

kellywilsonwrites

28 Dec, 2023

I love to do a “Best of” at the end of every year for trauma & grief recovery articles.

I write about what I know, and generally what I know = what I’m working on with myself and others in trauma and grief recovery. This “Best Of” list is a nice snapshot of how the year has gone, what people are interested in, and quite frankly, stuff I’ve struggled with at various degrees.

So ICYMI, here are the most popular 8 trauma and grief recovery articles for 2023!

Letter to My Abusive Father – This is a favorite of website visitors, year after year. I wrote this in 2016, I believe, at a writing group that I was invited to by writer friends. During one writing segment, the facilitator gave each of us a word – mine was “shame.”

Free Mental Health Worksheets – As I say in the original post, “Exploring on your own is invaluable. The work that we do together is one hour a week out of 168 total hours. That’s just not a lot of time. Plus, it’s not like you will only have questions and emotions and other stuff bubbling up during that one hour a week that we work together. So I say, the more resources, the better.” As a bonus, here’s a collection of trauma, ptsd, and grief resources.

Do You Feel Like You Don’t Belong? – Belonging is about connection. Trauma is about disconnection. Trauma survivors are Marvelous Misfits. Also, here is the companion piece, What to Do When You Feel Like You Don’t Belong.

Why You Need to Care About Vagal Tone – Trauma and grief recovery are marathons, and the strength of your vagal tone affects every system in your body. The smallest step forward, the tiniest change – it ALL counts. Here are small ways to build up your vagal tone and help deal with life.

As a Trauma Survivor, Making a Mistake is Hella Triggering – Sometimes people think that because I’ve been in trauma and grief recovery for almost two decades that “I’ve got it all figured out.” NOPE. Still make mistakes, I just know better how to deal with them and calm my nervous system.

Nervous System with Vagus Nerve from Bodyworlds exhibit at OMSI in Portland, Oregon — The nervous system with the vagus nerve from Bodyworlds exhibit at OMSI in Portland, Oregon

What You Need to Know About PTSD Remediation – Going through PTSD Remediation myself was the catalyst for me going into this line of work. It’s like having the BEST GIFT and wanting other people to have it, too.

Sharing Something Really Vulnerable – Ah, the struggle of digging down into stuff that has not been resolved and may never be resolved. The answers are in the uncertainty, I tell ya.

The Value of Reframing – So I was at my ex-husband’s house. At a party. Sitting on a chair. What happened next? Oh, it’s worth the read, my friend.

And that’s it! The top 8 blog posts of the year, plus one bonus.

Here’s to more trauma & grief recovery in 2024!

Have a safe and lovely New Year!

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Reflect on Darkness & Light with Two Solstice Poems

kellywilsonwrites

20 Dec, 2023

I love Winter Solstice.

bioluminescent shoreline on the coast of a tropical island; it is dark, the water is bright with neon blue. Dark silhouettes of palm trees in the background.

The shortest day and darkest night appeals to me on a visceral level. I have found myself in the darkness many times over the years, shuffling around & bumping into things, praying for light to return.

It was only later that I learned that darkness has its own lessons and blessings, like water bioluminescence – you can’t see it without darkness.

The darkness is part of the cycle of trauma and grief recovery. I remember wondering if I would drown in my own tears in the dark, and before I knew it, light had returned.

I love poetry the most when I am stumbling around in the darkness. The rhythm and meaning of the words are like tiny lights that remind me that I am not alone.

Here are two Winter Solstice poems to help guide our way until light fully returns – also, there’s more about the Winter Solstice here if you’re interested in celebrating in a meaningful way during this season.

The Shortest Day by Susan Cooper

So the shortest day came, and the year died,
And everywhere down the centuries of the snow-white world
Came people singing, dancing,
To drive the dark away.
They lighted candles in the winter trees;
They hung their homes with evergreen;
They burned beseeching fires all night long
To keep the year alive,
And when the new year’s sunshine blazed awake
They shouted, reveling.
Through all the frosty ages you can hear them
Echoing behind us—Listen!!
All the long echoes sing the same delight,
This shortest day,
As promise wakens in the sleeping land:
They carol, feast, give thanks,
And dearly love their friends,
And hope for peace.
And so do we, here, now,
This year and every year.
Welcome Yule!

And one of my all-time favorites – I made it into a graphic for download.

To Know the Dark by Wendell Berry

More About the Solstice and Hope and Grief

At times like these, it can feel radical to practice hope, and I wrote about that here – Practicing Radical Hope

Grief doesn’t take a holiday, and I wrote about that, too – For Those Grieving Over the Holidays

And last but not least, Release & Renew with a Solstice Ritual

The Light Will Return

Happy Yule!

Need a Travel Companion in the Darkness? Reach Out ~

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61 Tips About the Grief Experience.

Find out more about Trauma and Grief Recovery Coaching

I offer one-on-one sessions, groups, PTSD Remediation, and classes. Appointments are offered in-person and online.

Try Trauma Recovery and Grief Recovery Coaching for Free! Book a free 30-minute Discovery Call to find out more!

Gentleness Wins

kellywilsonwrites

18 Dec, 2023

After an encounter with someone this week, I was reminded of this quote about behaviors, feelings, and needs.

Behavior – Feelings – Need

“Beneath every behavior there is a feeling. And beneath each feeling is a need. And when we meet that need rather than focus on the behavior, we begin to deal with the cause not the symptom.” ~Ashleigh Warner

Behavior – Feelings – Need

Drop down into it – “it” is the questions about the behavior and the feelings. It will likely be uncomfortable. Sit with it. Let the questions and feelings roll around, and stand back and watch them.

Behavior – Feelings – Need

Be curious, not judgmental – there’s no sense in beating yourself up. If it worked, it would have worked already. Try saying, “I’m very curious about that.”

Behavior – Feelings – Need

Listen for what resonates – This takes a bit of time, maybe 5 minutes, maybe one hour, maybe a day or a week. But what needs to be heard will bubble up.

Behavior – Feelings – Need

Face the truth you find – CELEBRATE! You have honored and loved and cared for yourself by going through this process.

Now you can decide what is next. YOU are in charge of this process.

Go gently. Gentleness wins.

Love ya, mean it

I’m offering a Trauma & Grief Writing: Own Your Story for the New Year small group. One writing day a month for 6 months. Small group of 6 writers. No judgement, but Radical Hope. Only $50 holds your spot, and payment plans are available. Go here for more details.

My Secrets to Navigating Fancy Holiday Depression & Feelings

kellywilsonwrites

11 Dec, 2023

A few years ago, I decided to stop fighting my fancy holiday depression. I mean, it’s better than it ever has been.

In my 20s and 30s, I would get very, very sick around the holidays. I’m talking fevers, exhaustion, bacterial infections that lasted for weeks, barely able to function kind of sick.

Remember how the body keeps the score? Yep, that’s what this is. Because I experienced my childhood sexual abuse around the holidays, my body and brain struggle during this time of year. Not nearly as much, for sure, because I rarely get sick during these months anymore. This is a victory!

Still, I have some lingering fancy holiday depression, and today I’m sharing my secrets for navigating it.

Don’t Fight It

a red and white striped delicate tea cup with marshmallows overflowing from the top and a spoonful of liquid chocolate suspended above, dripping onto the marshmallows — It’s a mess, but it’s MY mess

Okay, first let me tell you what I DON’T mean. I don’t mean “fighting depression” with toxic positivity or denial or pushing through your regular to-do list while you feel dead inside.

What I mean is, no more avoiding, negotiating, running, fighting, shame, or self-loathing. No more never ending hamster wheels in my brain about how I “should” be this or that. No more time lost beating myself up about something I cannot control and is, quite frankly, not my fault. Children don’t sexually abuse themselves. I didn’t give myself major depressive disorder.

Just plain ol’ Radical Acceptance.

I love Radical Acceptance. It feels like the Serenity Prayer – accept the things I cannot change. I have tried to change my fancy holiday depression for many, many years, and I finally came to the conclusion a few years ago that I cannot change it.

With acknowledgement comes peace.

Depression makes life more difficult during the holidays. Facts. Full stop. No amount of “good vibes” or wishing or willing it denial is going to change that.

Knowledge is power. Take advantage of it.

Back to Basics During Holiday Depression

I recently had a session with my therapist where I said, “I have an awesome life and everything is going well and I’m doing ALL THE THINGS, and I still feel shitty.”

“You do ALL THE THINGS not to feel better, but to keep yourself from feeling worse,” she replied.

Keep doing the boring stuff. Rest, take meds and supplements, eat nourishing and delicious food, and move your body. And HYDRATE.

Don’t overthink it. This is what THIS particular routine is for, because we just don’t have that many executive functions online during depressive episodes.

What are Decreased Executive Functions?

One of my signs (red flags) of depression is simply not being able to make decisions. Executive functioning is A Thing, and it can wear out quickly.

Executive Functioning is often talked about in the world of ADHD, but they absolutely deserve recognition in the world of Trauma, PTSD, and Grief Recovery.

Trauma, PTSD, and Grief all mess with our executive functioning.

What are Executive Functions? These are a set of skills that help us regulate our behavior and get things done.

Examples of Executive Functions

Planning ahead
Acting intentionally
Regulating emotions
Short term or longer term working memory
Transitioning between tasks that require different brainpower
Delaying gratification
Thinking creatively
Filtering distractions
Following directions
Managing time
Starting and finishing tasks

Here’s more on the role of Executive Functions from a video about brain development by Harvard University.

Therefore, Cut Down Decisions

Okay, so Executive Functioning is tough – what can we do?

Cut down the amount of decisions – as many as possible – during any given day. Examples of what I do include:

I eat the same things for breakfast and lunch. That way, I only have dinner to think about.
Make dinners with a super simple meal plan, same thing each week on the same day.
For clothes, my lifestyle allows for athletic and casual clothes, and all of them match. I wear fun Fall and Christmas t-shirts during this time of year, and that also helps.
Do laundry on the same days each week, and same with the other chores. Or have someone else in your home pick up more chores for a while.
Shop for groceries with the same or a similar list each week.
Exercise in a scheduled group or class.
Brush teeth and shower and all that at the same time.

This can be as relaxed or structured as you need. In general, the less that you have to think about, think through, or decide, the better. This gives your brain a rest and allows for more sophisticated executive functions.

Slow Down

Walking the labyrinth at the Portland Grotto on Winter Solstice 2022

We are not making plans, except plans to rest. (By “we,” I mean me and all of my inner children, lol)

Consider this a time in your year to practice spontaneity. Depression is the best way to try going with the flow.

I make plans for things that I *absolutely want* to do. For example, I LOVE Christmas shopping and getting all of the snacks together for time with family and friends, so that is what I concentrate on. Also, I keep my Solstice tradition every year, because it’s very meaningful to me.

As far as other stuff, I do my best. Parties sound fun, but I might not go. I drive myself places during the month of December so that I can leave anytime I need to. Extra snacks and water are placed at work, in my car, in my purse, etc. And I watch the Great British Baking Show…A LOT.

Plan-making is generally delegated to others, made with the understanding that everything is fluid up to 20 min before the event, and/or gets left behind. And sometimes, I want to do Christmas stuff out of the blue! That is the wild fun of depression! (insert sarcasm)

No matter what, though – You deserve to rest and have space and time to feel what you feel.

All of these secrets to navigating fancy holiday depression have been learned the hard way. I would love to hear how you navigate your own holiday experiences.

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The Top Reason to Join Trauma & Grief Writing for the New Year

kellywilsonwrites

6 Dec, 2023

Now. The time is now.

A number of my clients are labeled “senior citizens.”

I did not expect to work with seniors. This is a reflection of our society, and a way that I showed ageism.

Because in our culture, senior citizens are invisible and unimportant and not interesting. Our culture teaches us that once you get to be a certain age or look a certain way, you need to disappear or we will roll our eyes at your stories and advice and wisdom. We will overlook and ignore your needs. We will demand your isolation, because to be in community costs a lot of money that we don’t want to spend on you.

Okay, EW.

Personally, I assumed for a long time that we reach a “certain age” and just…BECOME WISE and HEALED.

We “get it all together” and “things make sense” and “trauma and grief are processed.” Tah-dah!

For me, this set of assumptions was shattered when Robin Williams died at age 64. In the course of processing that collective loss, I knew that I would be 64 someday, and I had assumptions about my own aging and healing process.

Trauma and grief do not diminish with age. Neither does intelligence, the desire for love in all forms, the need to live with meaning, and the need for an active community and deep relationships.

I learn a ton from all of my clients. My more mature clients teach me about the joys and challenges of getting older in our society, and how trauma can play out over time.

Trauma and grief do not decrease with age.

Dealing with trauma and grief responses now only helps the maturation process. It’s never too late to build community, change your brain, deepen relationships and find new ones, and make meaning.

The time is now. Time and life are relentless.

Start now. At any age.

There are a few more spots for the monthly trauma and grief writing group. Build community and process trauma and grief in a supportive, confidential, and safe environment. No age requirement 😉

What To Expect Each Writing Day

First, we will build a safe community with a set of ground rules that we all create.
Second, I will lead a grounding exercise.
Third, I will provide a few prompts to get us started. We will write for a specific amount of time.
Fourth, we’ll take a short break, with snacks.
Fifth, we’ll read our work. When each writer is done reading, we are allowed to respond with what resonated for us as witnesses to the story. No criticism of form or content allowed.
Last, we will do a brief grounding exercise and be on our way.

When? Jan 6, Feb 3, Mar 2, April 6, May 4, June 1, from 10 am to 12:30 pm PST

Where? Zoom

Cost? $349

A $50 deposit holds your spot. The balance ($299) can be paid in one or multiple payments, starting in January 2024.

How to Hold Your Spot

1. Please take a look at this group’s Policies & Procedures.

2. Take a look at the Questionnaire and fill it out

3. Pay the $50 deposit here!

Questions? Email Kelly at kelly@mapyourhealing.com

Terms & Conditions: This group is for humans who identify as female. Each session is confidential. Rescheduling will happen only if facilitator falls ill and is unable to perform facilitating duties the day of a session. If a participant falls ill and is unable to attend, facilitator will send that session’s writing prompts and provide time and space for participant to read and receive resonant feedback at the next meeting. No refunds. If paid funds cannot be used for this group, they can be used for future sessions or groups agreed upon by the facilitator and the participant.