Conflict is where my trauma makes its strongest appearance.

Conflict is where all of my attachment wounds show up. Where my feelings of “not good enough” bubble up, along with feeling “blamed” and “unloveable.” Wanting desperately to be seen and heard. Not knowing how to navigate my Big Feelings and articulate what I feel and need.

Not always. But sometimes. And this has bubbled up for me lately in a big way, thanks to (drumroll please) The DIY Bathroom Remodel, aka The Thing That Squashed My Trauma Recovery Skills (LOL).

Not One Thing – Several Things

Okay, yes, I exaggerate a little in that The DIY Bathroom Remodel was not the ONLY thing that was attributing to my feeling overloaded (To be fair, it had been going on for 8 weeks, and my husband and I both had pneumonia during this period of time).

There was the impending graduation of the youngest kid in our family. Navigating the second year of Map Your Healing Journey, and I’ve not owned a business before. Learning how to take care of myself while doing trauma and grief recovery work, which I enjoy immensely. Mother’s Day, during which my grief really likes to be processed, and I don’t necessarily want to process it during the beginning of May as the warm weather returns.

So yeah, A LOT of stuff going on to contribute to the straw that broke my camel’s back.

The Straw of The Conflict

The DIY Bathroom Remodel was completed on a Tuesday evening.

At bedtime that night, I walked into our bedroom, turned on the lamp, and promptly spilled a glass of water onto the floor.

Cue BURSTING into tears (it wasn’t even milk!).

Fortunately, I had the presence of mind to see what was happening in real time. This is the value of Trauma Recovery, I tell you what – seeing, identifying, and processing emotion in real time.

In the moments that followed the spilled water, I realized that I had been feeling the pressure of *everything,* and I had been – in a sense – holding my breath. I felt like I had been holding my breath both physically and emotionally for two months.

Just hang on until *this* is done. Just hold on until *this* is over.

The *this* varies, for sure, but the response is the same. Knuckle down. No time to feel. Don’t process right now. Go numb.

Not a healthy place to camp out – emotionally or physically – and all of that stuff comes up in relationships regardless of whether or not we are ready and/or willing to process it. That’s where conflict comes in.

My Tears Turned into Conflict

So I spilled the water.

Then I went into the living room and said, “I spilled the glass of water on YOUR nightstand. Clean up your crap.”

Not a great move.

He responded with something like, “The spilled water is not my fault.”

In my trauma brain, this translated into, “EVERYTHING IS MY FAULT.” Conflict is where my trauma makes its strongest appearance. We traded insults a couple more times – not our finest choices.

It was 11 pm, and we were both exhausted after a long day/week/month/year. This absolutely did not help.

I had TWO MONTHS of repressed emotions and feelings and thoughts and stressors. Sometimes survival mode is necessary, that’s why it exists.

I ended up crying for at least an hour. Full meltdown mode.

Fortunately, my husband remembered to take a step back, observe, not take this personally, and sat with me. He listened while I spilled out words and feelings and tears. We talked about the last couple of months, the realities and challenges.

Sometimes, this is how conflict happens. Conflict can be messy.

But guess what? Conflict is healthy. I would even say that conflict is necessary.

Specific Conflict Tips That Help Me

If you get more than one person in a space for a long enough time, there’s going to be conflict.

After this DIY Bathroom Remodel, I can *totally* see why house projects are extra stressful on couples. Add in three weeks of pneumonia, both of us with full-time jobs, a household to run, kids, pets – the list goes on.

As a trauma survivor, though, conflict is TOUGH. I have done a TON of work to identify conflicts as they happen, identify and acknowledge my trauma responses, sort out my feelings, communicate my feelings and needs, and come to a resolution.

Conflicts that used to take hours or days now take minutes. Here are some conflict tips that have helped me immensely.

*Practice realizing that when somebody comes at you, it is not about you. Online or in-person.

*Don’t make decisions or have serious conversations later at night. Our brains are best earlier in the day for decisions and stuff, and then they get tired.

*Don’t listen to the inner critic, kindly tell them to shut it. Night is not the time to figure out your life.

*Learn how to recognize a trauma response bubbling up in a conflict. Then STOP the conversation by telling the other person that you are having a trauma response that needs your attention. Make a specific time to come back to the conversation.

I have learned that you *can* in fact go to bed with mixed feelings, even anger. Nothing bad will happen to you. Your relationship will not disintegrate overnight. In fact, take as many breaks as needed, and communicate those break times.

*Work on regulating yourself and processing your emotions and feelings, especially if you can’t sleep (I’ve had a lot of experience with this part, lol).

*Practice being curious about the source of the conflict, for yourself and the other person. Sometimes, the source is different for each person.

Put a pin in whatever it is, sleep, and tackle it again tomorrow with a clearer head and heart.

The Trigger Factor

Just because conflict is healthy and necessary and helps relationships and aids in your emotional growth does not take (what I call) The Trigger Factor away.

For those of us who grew up in abusive families, conflict was not even a thing. Starting or participating in conflict lead to pain. As kids, we were trying to survive, and people-pleasing, being quiet (unseen and unheard), and not having any needs allowed us to do that.

One of the most valuable things I’ve realized is that conflict is – most of the time – not personal. Realizing this does not mean that conflict won’t be triggering.

I have made many mistakes and have apologized many times for hurting my partner. I have vastly improved my conflict skills and have learned to avoid my personal pitfalls.

But I have also learned, in a safe and loving relationship, how much easier conflict can be than how I grew up.

These are the benefits of working on trauma and grief recovery.

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