Pandemic grief is real.

I have spent a lot of time wondering why things have been so much harder over the last almost two years. EVERYTHING has felt harder: leaving the house, meeting with people in my quarantine pod, navigating the grocery store, regulating my emotions. I have spent a lot of time wondering why I can’t “get ahead” of this thing and adapt.

I think I’ve got it, at least for me. It’s grief.

With the pandemic, we are constantly in the grief process, with trauma sprinkled on top for good measure. The problem is that we are not allowed to move forward in our grieving process.

We are stuck on a merry-go-round of emotions, every day a Groundhog Day, our thoughts drowned out by bright, tinkly music, and we just want the thing to stop and let us off.

This would make anyone feel like they’re losing their mind.

What I Mean By Grieving the Pandemic

I look at everything through the lens of trauma and grief. I have a lot of experience in these subjects, so much so that I wrote a book about them, and I have two more books that I’m working on this year. My whole life is trauma and grief.

Anyone dealing with grief will tell you about the stages, which are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.

When I first started acknowledging the trauma and grief that I had withstood throughout my life, I thought the stages were something that I could achieve. In my 20-something mind, I could move through the stages and then – POOF! – be done with grieving!

That is not how any of this works. BUT there is value in knowing the different phases of grief, because we can mentally and emotionally stand back and see them for what they are.

Instead of imagining these stages in a line, I visualize them as a spiral, circling around, and we touch different stages as we go. Or maybe as a spectrum that we travel on, back and forth and dipping into the different stages as needed, as we move through integrating our experiences. Or as a load of clean laundry – like the one currently on my bed – where they are all jumbled together and we can pick out one at a time: this pair of pants is anger, this shirt is bargaining.

Why Hasn’t the Pandemic Gotten Easier?

It took me many years to realize that I will never “BE DONE” with trauma or grief. These are processes, not destinations. My experiences and thoughts and feelings need to be integrated, not overcome. And grief is part of life, there is value in learning how we deal with the grief that comes with living.

Including how the stages of grieving factor into our pandemic experiences.

Recently I was having a conversation about how, over the last two years, the pandemic has not gotten easier. After the first rounds of vaccinations, I could feel the relief and the beginning rumblings of elation – we could see the light a the end of the tunnel!

And then the Delta variant hit. Hard. Knocked me on my butt. Then Omicron hit. Our brains aren’t wired for ambiguity, especially long-term. And then it hit me –

I have been going through a grief process that I hadn’t defined. We collectively have been going through a grief process that has not been defined.

Our Pandemic Grief Stages

With this realization, I took a deep breath. Then I charted it out:

Denial – We have been in a denial. Collectively. About how serious the virus can be to those who aren’t protected. About how much the pandemic has changed the way the world works, from grocery shopping to travel. How much the pandemic has changed us. We are different now.

Anger – people who don’t want the vaccine vs people who don’t mask vs people who want normality vs people who want the vaccine vs people who want everyone to mask up, for example. Emotions run high and our survival mode makes them difficult to regulate.

Bargaining – Trying to figure out what we can do to bring about the end of this situation and “return to normal,” like saying, “If we all just do xxx, then we can get back to normal.”

Depression – This stage has been pretty consistent with me. Different distractions and forms of escape. The seasonal aspects – aka, WINTER – have not helped. Feeling powerless to change anything. Not having an end date. Constant ambiguity.

Acceptance – Well. Maybe I am flirting with Acceptance. Acknowledgement is a big key to acceptance.

How to Deal With Pandemic Grief

It is vital to remember that grief work is slow work.

Slow, gentle work.

What helps? Slow walks. Hearty and delicious meals. Gratitude for small moments of relief or joy. Meds, if you need them. Move your body. Do art. Play. Talk about your thoughts and emotions, which helps them move through and allows our brains to process. Acknowledge that things, like getting a cavity filled (this was me yesterday), is a radical act of self-care right now. During a bout of pandemic fatigue a year ago, I wrote What to do when the pandemic gets hard over at Sweatpants and Coffee, which might help.

Grief work is slow, gentle work.

Our brains cannot handle the influx of thoughts and emotions and changes right away. We need time to adjust and process, to realize and accept that everything is different now. Like a friend of mine wrote to me (shared with permission):

“This pandemic has changed us. And I know, I know – we’re all sick of THE PANDEMIC, but it’s important to evaluate who you are now and what you need rather than why don’t the things I used to do to cope with stress work anymore. There is nothing “wrong” with you, friend. We are all different now, truly.

There’s nothing wrong with me. There’s nothing wrong with you. Our lives have changed. We have changed.

Go slowly.

About Trauma Recovery Coaching

What is a Trauma Recovery Coach?

Why am I a Trauma Recovery Coach?

Can you really stop PTSD symptoms? (I did it myself!)

Sign up here to get a free copy of Five Things Every Trauma Survivor Needs to Know

I offer one-on-one sessions, groups, PTSD Remediation, and classes.

Appointments are offered in-person and online.

Try Trauma Recovery Coaching for Free! Book an appointment or schedule your FREE 30-minute discovery call to learn more!