Map Your Healing Journey

I wish I had known several years ago about how challenging the Empty Nest process would be.

I mean, I’ve looked forward to this phase of life for years, especially as teens tend toward the idea that, “It’s easier to leave mad than sad.”

However, what I’ve learned in the last several years is that grief can jumpstart trauma feelings that may have been dormant for a long time. When I was going through a divorce, my grief over the life changes I was experiencing gave me panic attacks on a pretty regular basis.

Grief over my kids growing up – even though it’s all normal and natural – is having similar effects, awakening old trauma wounds that, fortunately, I can see and begin to deal with in a more direct way.

For this month’s Sweatpants & Coffee column, I focused on how trauma can show up during the Empty Nest – or similar life changes – as we grow and change. These include dealing with the reality of the process, dealing with emotions and feelings, and how real and present old trauma wounds can feel.

Here’s the Beginning of What You Need to Know About Empty Nesting

When I was in college, one of my professors said, “The point of parenting is to work yourself out of a job.”

As a 20-year-old with no kids, I thought that was genius. When my kids were toddlers and I was in my 30s, I would repeat, “The point of parenting is to work yourself out of a job” while teaching them how to potty and dress themselves and eat healthy snacks. During the elementary and middle school years, that sentence became a lifeline, as they struggled against boundaries and responsibilities and developed skills they will use their whole lives.

Now I’m careening toward 50. As one kid has moved out and only one kid is left at home, I think, “The point of parenting is to work yourself out of a job” and want to punch someone in the throat. Probably the professor, because what she neglected to include in this nugget of wisdom is that working yourself out of the parenting job is painful, like no other pain in the life of a mother.

In the middle of my Empty Nesting grief process, I thought of a few of the things that I wish someone had told me about the realities of the Empty Nest.

Empty Nesting Starts Early

Popular culture tells us that kids go through school, graduate, move on and out, and leave us with a sense of relief and celebration, along with some bittersweet nostalgia. Easy peasy, yes?

Nope. That is *not* how this works.

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