Map Your Healing Journey

Ah, Forgiveness. When an instructor in one of my training classes called Forgiveness, “The Ultimate F Word,” I felt very validated.

I also felt ready to fight. My body heard the word in the training class I was taking and assumed a boxing position (LOL). I sat up straight, puffed my chest out, balled my hands into fists, and got that “mom look” on my face (you know which look I mean).

This body reaction all happened before I could blink. I noticed it immediately and started taking some deep breaths. I put my feet flat on the floor and sat back in my chair, opening my hands and resting my palms on my thighs. And I thought to myself, “So you’re saying I have some issues with the idea of forgiveness?”

Issues Mean It’s Time to Write

I’ve been training myself to skip judging my responses and, instead, be curious. What I noticed first was that every other student in the class had a visceral reaction to “The Ultimate F Word,” and that helped. I didn’t feel alone about this issue as I have in the past. I felt supported in my response, even as nobody said anything to me.

After the class, I had a deadline for my monthly column over at Sweatpants & Coffee. In an unrelated turn of events, there was a meme posted on their Facebook page about forgiveness, and it was…not exactly…embraced.

All of this came together – the meme, my class, “The Ultimate F Word,” my need to process, and this month’s article was born.

Before you get in too deep, know that I do not have an agenda when it comes to forgiveness. I have had many conversations with people who have experienced varying degrees of spiritual abuse. I have a long and complicated relationship with the church, as well. So no, I do not have an agenda.

By writing this article, I discovered that by gently approaching my own reactions and being open, I came to a measure of peace with both my upbringing and my current practice regarding this word, so I know that it’s possible.

Above all things, peace. We deserve peace.

Here is the beginning of the article that I wrote for Sweatpants & Coffee this month. I cannot post the entire thing here, but you can find the the whole article here.

How Do You Feel About Forgiveness?

Forgiveness is a tricky subject.

What We’ve Been Taught About Forgiveness

It is not our fault that we have this visceral reaction to the word itself. We’ve been taught a lot of unhelpful and damaging things about forgiveness from a variety of sources in our lives, and some of these things are simply not true.

I am a complex trauma survivor, a survivor of childhood sexual abuse by my father. Around the time I disclosed the abuse, I had been introduced to the church, going every Sunday morning and Wednesday evening.

I was 16 years old.

The lessons that I absorbed during my childhood – and, more specifically, during this time – included the following:

Crying is for weak people
Emotions don’t matter, ignore them
Follow the rules
We don’t talk about anything
Forgive immediately
Reconcile above all else, even personal safety
Forget what was done to you
Fake it ‘til you make it

Forced forgiveness. No discussion. No sense of feeling heard or respected. No witness to or acknowledgement of the pain and suffering caused. No negotiation of changed behaviors, and certainly no promises, even false promises. Just the words, “Forgive me” and “You have to forgive me, because the Bible said.”

The Definition of Forgiveness

These memories stick in my throat, a lump that is impossible to swallow. I take deep breaths, lift my soft palate, lower my shoulders. I approach this lump from the side, sneaking up on it, gentle and reassuring, and it slowly dissipates.

I’ve been training myself to connect my body with my brain – my body feels sensations first, then my brain makes meaning out of them. In between, there’s a tiny space where a pause is possible. The pause where I can take a breath and remember that those messages were not about forgiveness. That is not what forgiveness means.

In the training seminar, the instructor gave the dictionary definition of forgiveness: “Cease to hold resentment towards an offender.” In other words, living without the pain from what someone else did or didn’t do, what someone else said or didn’t say.

Forgiveness is a choice to live without pain. Forgiveness is a choice to let go of the hope of a different person or experience or situation or outcome.

Easy peasy, yes? NO.

This is like someone telling you to “just stop” biting your nails. If I could stop, I would have already done so.

What Forgiveness is NOT

After the instructor gave the dictionary definition of forgiveness, they spent a lot of time talking about what forgiveness is not, which includes:

Go Here to Read the Rest of the Article