I have had many instances where my good, happy, and fun feelings go bad. Fast.
One moment I could be laughing, joking, and doing whatever activity I’ve decided to do, and the next moment, I feel like crying, yelling, and running away to be by myself. Inevitably, I have feelings about these feelings, and don’t know what to do about them, and either shut down or lash out at the person or people I’m with.
A frustrating cycle, for sure. One that makes me want to isolate and protect myself, because why have fun? I don’t know how to respond or help myself through this cycle.
Until now.
Fun at Cherry Blossoms
The cherry blossoms along the Portland waterfront are a sight to behold. My husband and I discovered them last year, when we were still locked down from the pandemic and took up bike riding. This year, we were determined to enjoy them during a dry Spring weekend, before the delicate pink petals were gone.
We rode on the asphalt bike trail along the Willamette River, from Sellwood Park to the Steel Bridge (my favorite), stopping to take pictures along the way. The temperature felt perfect – not too hot or too cold – and I felt excited to be out in the nice weather, moving my body, and spending time with my husband. I felt immense gratitude for all of it.
Why Do Good Feelings Go Bad?
We arrived at the row of cherry blossoms along the Portland waterfront. People of all ages milled around, taking pictures. Individuals, couples, families, some with dogs. Groups meeting up for picnics. Bicyclists, like ourselves.
Out of nowhere, no trigger in sight, I felt irritation rise up, bubbling, flowing up from my gut and into my throat. I looked around, internally and externally, trying to find what caused it. I felt on the edge of anger and of tears, with no explanation. I wanted to leave, I wanted to stay. I did not want to feel this way, and asked myself, “What is wrong with you???”
In the next moment, I felt the magic of The Pause. That moment of time and space where we can hit the invisible pause button between stimulus and response. A safe and non-judgmental space. In that moment, I thought about what my body was telling me, and I remembered that I can step out of the emotional spiral, and look at it all from the outside.
My happiness had turned sour in an instant. What was all that about? I thought of three reasons that good feelings can go bad.
Our Brains Want to Protect Us
As trauma survivors, we are conditioned to not know what to expect. We often need to “walk on eggshells” around toxic people and try everything we can to keep the peace. Things can change in an instant, resulting in pain and trauma.
If – like me – you have experienced this kind of environment, your brain is used to shutting down happiness, joy, gratitude, and more of those good feelings. Why? Because our brains our protecting us. Good feelings make us vulnerable to abuse. So it makes sense that when good feelings rise up, our brains freak out and shove those sensations down.
Good Feelings Feel Strange
I know that I have felt moments of happiness during my life, but I didn’t truly connect with that feeling until I was 44 years old. The feeling of happiness felt so strange that I described the sensations to the person I was with in that moment. I asked, “What is this feeling? I think I might be feeling…happy?” They concurred that the feeling did, indeed, sound like happiness.
Good feelings can feel alien to trauma survivors. Plus, research shows that our brains are wired to the negative. Everything our brain does is to try and protect us, to keep us safe. To a trauma survivor, happiness is not safe.
Overstimulation is Real
Trauma survivors tend to be hypervigilant, meaning that we are tuned in to everything going on around us. The vibrations in the air tell us when something or someone feels “off” and if self-protection is needed. Our bodies and brains are always scanning with this type of awareness, making sure that we are – above all – safe.
Combine hypervigilance with two years of isolation in the pandemic, and overstimulation is about guaranteed. Remember how difficult it was to isolate in March 2020 and beyond? There was a transition, and we got used to more time alone or with people in our “bubbles.”
It makes sense that we need transition time to come out of our “bubbles.” Stepping into any kind of public or crowd situation after two years in a bubble is going to be challenging.
How Do We Hold On To Good Feelings?
In that space of The Pause, in between the irritation and anger rising up in me and my response, I stopped. I stepped out of those emotions and observed them. My husband asked if I was okay, and I explained what was happening. We talked it through, and I spent some time grounding. I highly recommend the following process to get used to having and being in good feelings.
Develop the Pause – Start with awareness. Notice when you have a mood or feeling change, in the moment or after the fact. You don’t need to do anything about it, just observe. You will likely feel the changes in your body first, through physical sensations.
Talk it Out – If you can, talk about what’s going on inside you with a trusted person. Keep it as simple as possible: “I felt happy, now I feel irritated, and I am confused about that. I feel this in my chest.”
Tell Your Brain That You Are Safe – My brain is still learning that I am safe in most situations, even after 16 years of working through my trauma and grief experiences. Why? Because the brain needs to hear it out loud.
My brain believes that my voice tells the truth – I am my own best source of information. I have experienced a faster rate of growth and change by incorporating this practice into my trauma recovery.
Breathe and Ground – Use simple 4-square breathing or a 5-4-3-2-1 grounding exercise to help transition into the present moment.
I do want to add a reminder that practicing any of these steps is useful and valuable work. This is practice, and I have made many mistakes. But I have discovered – in myself and the clients I work with – that any practice creates the change we want to experience in our trauma recovery journeys.
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