For some trauma survivors and grievers, Mother’s Day is a Sunday full of emotional landmines.

If this is you, know that you are not alone. This is me, too.

My History With Mother’s Day

I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse by my father. When I was 16, I disclosed this to my mother through a series of truly unfortunate events (details can be found in Caskets From Costco). We pursued legal action, and nothing happened – meaning, he was not convicted or trialed or jailed or anything like that.

A few months later, through another series of unfortunate events, he showed up at our home. My mother took him back, over my protests. A few weeks after that, he walked away, got a divorce from my mother, and married somebody else. I no longer have a relationship with many family members, including him and my mother.

So…yeah. Mother’s Day is a tough one.

This particular holiday was a bit easier when my kids were younger and I was with their dad, but honestly, not *much* easier. Now the kids are upper teens/early twenties and moving on in their own lives – as they should – and Empty Nest has settled in.

There’s more grief than celebration.

What I Have Done on Mother’s Day

When I was just starting my trauma recovery about 20 years ago, I was taken by surprise on Mother’s Day and other holidays. My nervous system churned with unresolved trauma responses and feelings and thoughts.

I was a raw, bare, live wire.

As the years have passed, this holiday has been up and down. Some years, my family took me out to brunch. I’ve gotten drunk, gone on hikes, gone to the movies or the Farmer’s Market. Some years, I’ve stayed at home, hidden under the covers of my bed or on the couch. I’ve had people over, I’ve been alone.

In other words, I’ve tried a lot of different ways to deal with the pain and grief that go along with Mother’s Day.

What I (Think I) Will Do This Sunday

Fortunately, I have a built-in distraction this Sunday: we will have a new puppy. Sunday will be her third official day with us, if everything goes as planned. I did not plan it this way, but I’m not sad about this, either.

But every holiday will not have a new puppy. There are plenty more difficult days ahead, so I made a helpful three-step acronym to remember as Mother’s Day dawns: AGH!

1. Acknowledge – The practice of acknowledgement goes a long way toward settling a nervous system. Acknowledgement is simply stating the reality of a situation or relationship. It is fact. This is Mother’s Day, it is rough, here’s how I feel about it, maybe it was always going to be a sh*tty time.

My example would include something like, “Mother’s Day has changed for me. My kids are no longer young and have left home. I feel proud and sad and happy and lonely about this…”

2. Gentleness – Trauma survivors grew up having to be tough about a lot of things, including tough on ourselves. The inner critic means well in trying to protect us, but ultimately this inner voice can do a lot of damage.

Please – I beg you and myself – no judgment on Mother’s Day. No judgment on what we do or don’t do, eat or don’t eat, whatever. Let us all GO GENTLY, treating ourselves like we would a newborn baby. Would we yell at a newborn baby? I certainly hope not. We would be quiet and kind and gentle. Let’s do this for ourselves, too.

3. Have Gratitude – I’m not talking about toxic positivity. Nobody’s got time for that. I’m talking about how our brains are wired to the negative for our survival, and balance is achieved by intentionally seeing what we have gratitude for.

What can we have gratitude for IN THIS MOMENT? No more, no less. This could be the color of a flower, or the feel of our favorite blanket, or the sun shining on our faces.

So this Sunday, think about getting through the day with a little, “AGH!”

Here’s Another Idea

One year, I asked my therapist about how to make it through difficult days. She said, “Why have one plan when you can have *several*?”

This is great advice. Make several plans to fit whatever your mood may be, because trauma and grief recovery is unique to your relationships. Maybe you will wake up and want to be alone for awhile, or maybe you’ll want endless distractions. Perhaps you will want cake, or a hike, or a movie.

Who knows? But above all, if you need to, remember to practice AGH.

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