LOLOLOL This blog post title cracks me up.
But it’s how I feel.
Many people are not phased by Mother’s Day. I am *not* one of those people.
There’s obviously still unresolved trauma layers and grief and loss surrounding my relationship with my mother.
For myself and many clients that I work with, the perpetrators of our abuse were men; many times, those men are still related to us by blood.
But the truth remains that our mothers were involved. Our bodies know it. Our nervous systems know it.
There’s A Good Reason We Struggle With This
There is a push-and-pull mechanism that happens when we experience abuse – directly or indirectly – from a parent figure.
The official term is called Disassociation (this is different from dissociation, which is a protective detachment mechanism that we can learn to manage).
The following graphic explains the concept of disassociation well:
This graphic really helped me understand the push-and-pull that I felt with my parents for many years. And as an abuse survivor of my parents, I was absolutely groomed by both of them. And even though my mother did not directly participate in abuse events at the hands of my father, she was involved.
As children, we want our parents to love us. To protect us. This is right and good and how we were wired.
So when our primary caregivers are abusive, it is WILDLY confusing and disruptive.
So What Do We Do About It?
I’m working on that. I’ve had many years of experience, trying different things. Denial, repression, putting on a happy face, distraction, drinking, eating, spending all day crying – when I say I’ve tried to figure out how to deal with this, I HAVE TRIED.
Recently, one of my kids said, “Oh no! I’m working on Mother’s Day.”
I shrugged. “Okay,” I said, “is that a problem? Because it’s not a problem for me.”
(For some context, I sent a group text to my husband and our kids a month ago with pictures and ideas relating to the Mother’s Day gift I want this year. I want one of those necklaces with everyone’s birthstone! My husband recently offered to let me see what they finally chose, but I’m waiting for the surprise)
“Well, I wanted to spend time with you on that day,” he said.
“Hey, I’m just gonna be watching movies and crying on the couch all day,” I said. “You’re welcome to join me.”
We laughed – we have a similar sense of humor.
“I will!” he said.
Radical Acceptance
That’s where I’m at. Resigned. Mother’s Day is a rough day. Period.
Radical acceptance, which is a fabulous skill to have during tough times.
And the knowledge and wisdom that comes from trying so hard to make the truth NOT true. Knowing already what doesn’t work, what hasn’t worked, and making space – holding space – for myself to do and feel whatever I need to.
Yeah, many layers of radical acceptance.
There is pain.
I am loved.
I hold myself in compassion and with curiosity.
And I let myself Be.
PS!
One morning this week, it occurred to me that I’ve not *named* my Mother’s Day mourning. What I’m grieving. What I had. What I didn’t have. What I miss.
On Friday morning (9 am to 11 am PST), I will be doing a writing exercise I am calling “Mourning Mother’s Day” –
Opening this up for people to join me. We’ll chat about Mother’s day grief, do some writing, do some sharing (IF you want to, not required), and ground ourselves before moving on with our day. Confidential and compassionate space.
I’m doing this anyway, would love to have company. (If you haven’t written or worked with me before, this will be a good intro)
EMAIL kelly@mapyourhealing.com if you’re interested and I’ll get you the info.
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