Oh, I got my word for the year. And it was terrifying.

On the Winter Solstice, many of you know that I went to the Grotto labyrinth as my yearly tradition. Usually, it is while I’m walking the labyrinth that I get my word for the year. It’s a process that I cannot really explain, and it sounds kinda woo-woo when I do. But this is how this process has worked for the past four years.

Not this year.

How I Got My Word for the Year

On the morning of Winter Solstice, I was slowly waking up, drifting in between awake and asleep. That liminal space, a twilight. The transition between morning and night.

As I opened my eyes, I “heard” (for lack of a better word) the word, “HEARTBROKEN.”

And it was LOUD.

The presence of Heartbroken cut through all of that twilight-in-between-wake-and-sleep fog that I usually experience in the morning.

My eyes flew open, I sat up in my bed, and I said, “What was THAT about?”

Confirming this is THE Word

As I drank my coffee that morning, I thought about the strength of that message: “HEARTBROKEN.”

I mentally ran down a list of possibilities. Was this a dream message for someone I knew? Who was this for? Is it a warning? A grief dream? A message for…myself?

Nah, no, it couldn’t be, I thought. I was very confident.

A couple of hours later, as I walked the labyrinth, I argued with The Universe. Quite frankly, I did not want this to be my word for the year, and it so obviously was meant for me.

I wanted my word to be something like “Joy” or “Persevere.” Something upbeat and easier to grasp and explain. Plus, haven’t I been through enough heartbreak in the course of my life?

Mostly, though, I didn’t want anyone to die! In my mind, at the root of my fear, is that taking on this word means that someone I love is going to die. This is not true, but try telling my anxiety that.

I came to the end of my arguments (there weren’t many, mostly just “Really? Why? No.”). At the center of the labyrinth I paused, breathing deeply. Taking in the weak sun shining through evergreens. Cool, crisp air. Peace.

I got the feeling that I didn’t *have* to accept it. This was a choice. A leap of faith, because I didn’t know what this word would mean in the coming year, how could I?

Carefully Exploring My Scary Word

I felt the question hanging over my heart. The Universe saying, “If you choose to accept it.”

What a combination of trauma-informed and Mission Impossible, I thought.

I walked slowly and gently along the labyrinth path and decided that, yes, I did accept it.

Of course, I’m very curious about what Heartbroken means as my word for the year. A few things occur to me:

*Opening my heart – As in, heart broken open. Allowing my heart to be broken open, and trusting in my strength and wisdom. Opening beyond what I know into what is possible. Opening to people and relationships and the chance of getting hurt. Vulnerability. Radical acceptance.

*Courage – I meet with people almost every day who have gone through unimaginable abuse, loss, and mistreatment. This is what I am meant to do, at least right now. The word Heartbroken reminds me that to have courage and be comfortable with creative safety for others to feel heartbroken in order to heal.

*Embracing pain – going through the love-loss-hope cycle of life. Being burned to ashes and rising again, like a phoenix.

Like the phoenix I recently had tattooed on my arm, reminding me of the many heartbreaking experiences I have had.

My heart has been broken many times, but guess what?

I’m still here.

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