This week has been a tough one for me process feelings. World, community, and personal events have combined, leading to moments of intense emotions.
I Had to Practice What I Preach and Process Feelings
Part of what I love about the work that I do in trauma, PTSD, and grief recovery is that I have to practice what I preach. I don’t recommend or suggest anything that I haven’t tried myself, so that means I get to try A LOT of stuff.
I sat with my husband in my car on October 11th, our second wedding anniversary. This is also the day that – one year ago – a dear friend of ours died after a long illness.
It is a weird day, full of a lot of intense emotions, many feelings that seem to contradict each other.
I sat in the car with my husband on the afternoon of this weirdly charged day, and I felt waves of grief and joy wash over me.
IT WAS A LOT. But here is what I observed:
I didn’t lash out at anyone or judge myself or pretend the emotions and feelings weren’t happening. I didn’t run away or distract or hide.
In fact, I made this video.
The Four S’s to Process Feelings
The next day, I was driving to meet clients in my office. Finding myself thinking about those intense emotional moments, I realized that I did four things that were good for my brain and body, and these things all started with the letter S.
I’m a teacher (ten years with older elementary and junior high), and I LOVE a good acronym or system for remembering information.
Doing ANY of these S’s is a GIFT to your brain and nervous system.
Sense – Our physical bodies sense emotions long before our brains do. It’s important to sense that something emotionally based is happening in your body, and what different emotions and feelings can feel like.
Sit – This is a tough one. I practice this a lot with clients, because it can be easier to sit with tough feelings with a safe person. In the past, I have fought, lashed out, hid, distracted, and run away from sitting with the emotions and feelings as they crash over me. Now I am more apt to notice the sensations and then sit with them for a little while. This takes practice.
Don’t Give Up! Keep Going
State – For me, this is a stream of consciousness exercise. I start with the physical sensations that I notice, and then name the associated feelings. I state what’s happening OUT LOUD whether another person is there or not, because our brains trust the sound of our voice. This is also where emotional energy moves for me, typically I cry.
Soothe – This is an important skill. Think of it like soothing a hurt animal or child or your inner child. Drink water, have a snack, build a blanket fort. Curl up with something warm, like a blanket or bowl of soup or a cup of tea.
I want to point out again that doing ANY of these S’s is a GIFT to your brain and nervous system. You don’t have to “get it right” or “be perfect” or any of that. Practice what feels safe.
Create Your Own Trigger Toolkit to Soothe and Process Feelings
We live in a culture that values distraction over processing. These activities can include things that are used to block trauma: sex, drinking, food, the usual suspects.
Instead of trying to distract with things that – much of the time – can make us feel worse or just tamp down those feelings, try using alternatives from a Trigger Toolkit.
Here’s a Trigger Toolkit that you can download and personalize for your own intense emotional events.
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