Map Your Healing Journey

The last four months have not been easy, but I sure have learned about giving myself permission to heal.

I was recently enrolled in a dance class as a Christmas present. A six-week class, meeting two hours per week every Sunday. Not a big deal, right?

Wrong. What I didn’t know when I started was the sheer amount of work that this class would take during each week. Time, money, and energy. We’re talking costumes, make-up, special shoes, special tights. Glitter and rhinestones and beads. Sewing, y’all. SEWING. Directions to make your own half-body dress form. This didn’t count learning dance steps that correlated with letters of the alphabet and creating my own choreography.

Um, whut? Have you met me? Okay, probably not, I concede (lol). I am a tomboy. I can get gussied up when I want to, but one of the reasons I write for Sweatpants & Coffee is that I *highly* identify with the brand. Most of my pants are sweatpants, while the other pants are yoga pants. The rest? Pajama pants.

Knowing When to Quit

The make-your-own-dress-form instructions did me in. I was at a loss. Completely overwhelmed. I just wanted to learn some moves and have fun with some choreography a couple of hours a week, maybe a bit more out of class.

But my husband had given me this class as a gift. A class I had always wanted to take.

After talking with him, I discovered that he completely understood. It was a good gift, just not the right time. And this was totally okay.

But I’m *not a quitter.* I haven’t gotten through a childhood of abuse and a lifetime of complex PTSD and depression and anxiety without learning how to get things done. Not counting on anyone but myself. Pushing through at all costs, even making myself sick.

This is a coping mechanism. A trauma response call hyper-independence.

Acknowledge What No Longer Works

Granted, this trauma response has gotten me through a lot of life. Working my way through high school and then college, getting a 4.0 gpa all the way through. I earned a full-ride college scholarship. I became a teacher, like I had dreamed about when I was in fifth grade. Determined to make my first marriage work, I stuck it out for more than 20 years. As a parent, I had worked through every abusive cycle, had slain every dragon.

And I had done it all by myself. (Not really. Healing doesn’t happen in a vacuum. But that’s a post for a different day. The point is, I had worked really hard just pushing through).

How to Give Yourself Permission to Heal | Map Your Healing Journey

This was no longer going to work. I was already developing fever blisters from “having to follow through,” because that is one way that my body holds onto stress.

The hyper-independence trauma response didn’t work anymore. The most important realization? I didn’t need it anymore. I didn’t want it anymore. There is value in knowing when to quit.

See the Truth for What It Is

While I didn’t have to continue in the dance class, I wrestled with the decision for a day or two. I saw the attached shame, wondering if I “should push through.” I felt the sadness of not having the capacity for this experience right now. Thanks to the pandemic, we all have limited capacity right now.

One of my best friends said it best when she told me, “In the last four months, you have gotten married, started a trauma recovery coaching business while still working a job, and your dog – who was your best friend – died. That’s a lot.”

Her comments shook me out of my funk. That was a lot for anyone to go through, and I am only human.

Verbally Give Yourself Permission to Heal

A couple of nights later, I sat on the couch and a thought bubbled up. It is okay to be happy. It is okay to heal.

While this thought has bubbled up before and I know that I’m ready for this next stage, I was missing something. I was seeing the direction, but I hadn’t taken a step yet.

I remembered that trauma responses in the brain and body are there to protect us. These responses aren’t sophisticated enough to know when they are no longer needed. They don’t know when we are in control of what is happening to us.

It occurred to me that I have to tell myself that everything is okay. I hadn’t given myself permission to heal. Out loud. Why? Because one way to change your brain is combine words and actions.

When we speak out loud, our brains hear what we say, and we believe ourselves.

In the middle of the empty living room, I said, “I give myself permission to be happy. I give myself permission to heal.”

I felt a shift. The kind of shift that happens when you take that first step in a direction that is unknown but thoroughly welcome. Another step on my journey of healing.